A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume II, Issue 323, 7 April 1928, Page 23

A JEST OR TWO

A “SAUCE” OF TROUBLE As the luckiest man, Lot won by default; Lost a peppery wife. Got a pillar of salt. —W.M.W. T.HI- &#&rk&& r* 7K re &7k re

Taking Ways.—Hihi: Then walk! Her: Give me my purse, I have car fare in it. Him (again): Oh, no, you haven’t. I bought gas with that two miles back. re rk re re re re re re re re

A Black Future.—“ Veil, and vat are you going to call the child?” “Abraham Solomon Joseph Abednigo Cohen.” “Ach! Vot a vaste of ink!” Or a Waiter.—“ And what are you going to do with your son?” “Well, I fancy that when he leaves Oxford he’ll take Orders.” “Ah, that’ll be nice. My husband started as a commercial traveller, too.” The Robber.—The dear old lady was very interested in one who had been an occupant of the prison. He was obviously well educated and most polite, so much so that her curiosity was aroused. “May I ask you why you were in that distressing .place?” “Certainly, madam,” he replied. “I was there for robbery at a seaside hotel.” “Oh, indeed!” she exclaimed. “You were the proprietor, I suppose.” Spot the Joke?—“Why, I’ll have you cured of the measles in a week.” “Now, Doctor, no rash promises.”

The Advertiser.—“ Excuse me, sir,” said the elegant gentleman, “but is this Mr. Robinson’s office?” “No, it is not,” came the short reply from behind a roll-top desk. “Much obliged!” muttered the intruder, and departed, leaving the door wide open. “Hi, you!” bawled the occupant of the office. “Cdme back and shut my. door!” Smilingly, the other re-entered the office. From his bag he produced a mechanical appliance. “Here, sir.” he said, “is the very latest type of door closer on the market. Closes your door without a bang and is guaranteed for 10 years.” m » • Laconic,— Could you kindly tell me where I am!” "In my way. Get out!” * * * What a Cell.-vA certain well-known and respected Judge was noted for his gentle manner with prisoners. On one occasion he was dealing with a poor fellow who looked miserably broken and contrite. “Have you ever been sentenced to imprisonment?” the Judge asked in a sympathetic way. “Never, never!” exclaimed the prisoner, bursting into tears. “Don’t cry, don’t cry,” said the Judge, consolingly. “You’re going to be now.” Optimistic Pessimists.— -“ What are we going to do?” asked the out-of-work plumber of his mate. “-Let's hope for the burst,” replied the latter. Got a Wriggle On. —Lady: 'Have you a nice, creepy book?” Librarian: “Yes, ma’am. Are you a book-worm ?” Fruitful Thoughts. —Customer: What leather makes the best shoes? Smart Clerk: I don’t know, but banana skins make the best slippers. The Retort Curt. —A- young business man who was engaged to a very pretty and flirtatious girl wrote the following to a friend of his: “I have been told that you took my fiancee out riding and that you were seen to hug and kiss her. Please drop by my office to-morrow and we will have this out!” The next morning he received the following message from a messenger boy: “I Lave received your circular letter and will be at the meeting on time!”

She Changed Her Mind.—“l hope you are not seasick, dear,” said the fond wife, seeing her husband off on a voyage. “So do I,” he responded fervently, as he watched a stunningly-gowned pippin enter the stateroom next to his own. “On second thought,” she remarked. “I hope that you are awfully, terribly Rewarded.—Proper training certainly shows results. For nineteen years my wife and I laboured unceasingly, early and late, teaching our son the noble beauty of generosity and the inherent duty of unselfishness. At last we got a response to our efforts. Yesterday he agreed to let us use the car while he is away during the holidays.

Too Knowing. —After all sorts of , hints, which showed clearly that he might be of some use in the diplomatic service later on, Johnny had i succeeded in extracting a penny from I his indulgent mother. He failed to j thank her, however, and she was an- i noyed at his display of bad manners. , “Johnny, you are most forgetful,” she : said. “I have given you a penny, and ! you are simply rude. What do you say when you get something?” “I can’t say,” was the reply. “You can’t say? What do I say to daddy when he gives me money?” “Is that all?” quoted the knowing child. *. * * The Opportunity.— Old Gentleman (fiercely): “You’ve stepped on my corn!” Man (joyfully): “Then you have a corn, sir! I thought so from the appearance of your boot, but wasn’t quite certain, so I subjected the foot to a slight pressure, for which I humbly beg your pardon, and feel sure you will grant it when I tell you that you can save yourself from all future suffering by purchasing a box of my wonderful corn plaster!” ** • * Passing the Time Away. —Mistress: “I have bought you this alarm clock for the mornings.” New Maid: “Well, d’you mind if I change it for a wriest watch for evenings ?” Feathering His Nest. —Company Promoter (lecturing to his corps of salesmen): “All my success, all my financial prestige, I owe to one thing alone—pluck, pluck, pluck.” Salesman: “But how are we to find the right people to pluck?”

That Rocked Him. —She: “You re mind me of the sea.” He: “Wild, romantic, relentless — She: “No; vou just make me sick.’

UNSHOOTABLE A movie job-seeker named Wil« lum. At last got a chance #t a They took just one dhot. Said, “Out of tha lot! Wil-lum, no fill-um the bill- um.”

A Piercing Glance. —Wife (at 2 a.m»: “Wake up, John; wake up! There’s a burglar in the next room.” Husband (sleepily): “Well. Tw jy* revolver. You go in and look daggers at him.” • • • Cool.—Man (writing his wifejj you get that cheque for a thousand kisses?” Wife (by return mail): “Yes. the iceman cashed it this morning.”

Windfall.— An honest speeder had just hit a dog and had returned to settle his damages, if possible. He looked at the dog a moment and addressed the man with a gun. “Looks as if I’d killed yer dog.” “Certainly looks that way.” “Very valuable dog?” "Not very.” “Will five dollars be enough?” “Well—l guess so.” Sorry to have broken up your hunt'" said the motorist pleasantly as handed the owner a crisp flve-dollar bill. I wasn’t going hunting—jest going out in the woods to shoot the dog.”