A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume I, Issue 306, 17 March 1928, Page 27

A JEST OR TWO

This One's New.— Now comes the story of the absent-minded professor who rolled under the dresser and waited for his collar stud to find him. 0 0 0 Stamping Pat.—“ Remember,” said the serious man, “that money is not the only thing to be striven for.” “Maybe not,” answered tlie other, “but a whole lot of people think it is, and I’m not egotistic enough to try to set any new fashions.”

No Criterion.—A couple arrived one evening at a music hall with a young baby. “I’m sorry,” said the manager, firmly, “but you can’t take that baby into the hall!” “Why not, sir?” asked the astonished father. “Well, it might cry and create a general disturbance.” “No, it won’t, sir!” was the prompt reply. “Baby’s used to goin' to entertainments, ’e ife. Why, ’e was as good as gold at ’is gran’pa’s funeral yesterday! ”

PASSING SHOTS

Of Trumps.— The Girl—“l should think you’d feel happy as a king when you’re in the air.” Aviator—“ Happier. I’m an ace.” 0 0 0 Whoppers! —Aunt Jane —“Well. Ethel I see you’ve landed a man at last.” Angler’s Daughter—“ Yes, auntie, but >ou ought to see the ones that got away.” Doubled Up—Summer Boarder —“But why are those trees bending over so far?” Farmer—’You would bend over, too, miss, if you wuz as full, o’ green apples as those trees are.” * * * What Price Aakesson- Sunday SchoDl Teacher—“ Johnny, what can you r.ell me about Aaron?” Johnny—“ His name was the first in &o telephone book.” * * * 4i Lower Mathematics. Teacher what is one-half of onetenth T‘ Small Boy—“ 1 don’t know exactly, teacher, but it can’t be very much.” Hands Up!—“The time will come,” shouted the speaker, ‘When women will men’s wages.’ ’ i 4 “Yes,” said a little man in the corner. ‘Next Friday night!” 0 0 0 The Sex Difficulty.— Mrs. Brown: We ar ® going to the Isle of Wight, and what, do you think my maid says? She says the climate there is not “embracing” enough. Mi-s. Jones: Ah, I see. you should try her with the Isle of Man. * * * The Wise Precaution.——Little Boy (on the beach).—Mummy, I want to go deep into the sea. Mother.—My dear, you cannot. Little Boy. —But. mummy, daddy does. Mother.— Yes; but you see his life Is insured.

His Pet Aversion. —Peter, on being told by his mother to be sure to clean his teeth before going to bed, exclaimed: "Mow, mother, you ought to know that's my favourite thing I hate to do.” Thou Shalt Not.—A little boy appeared before one of the London magistrates charged with the theft of a shilling from his employer— Why did vou take it?” asked the magistrate. "Please Sir.” piped the tearful culprit, “I wanted to see ‘The Ten Commandments' at the movies.”

Ladylike Warrior.—“So you want to join the army—fer how long?” “Duration.” “But there ain’t no war on.” “I know—l mean duration of peace.” 0 0 0 A Little Trouble. —Unmarried: “Your wife seems to be nursing a grievance.” Married: “Yes, it’s teething, and keeps us awake all night.” • * * Insinuations.—“ We’ve had to sack our housemaid. Yesterday my wife told her to polish the brass, and she said: ‘Certainly, mum. Shall I leave the bracelet you’re wearing till last?’ ” 0 0 0 Useless Tact.—Wife: “Look at that adorable hat in the window, John. Let’s go buy it.” John: “Certainly, dear. Right by it.” •• * * Willing to Trade In.— Fortune Teller “Your husband will be brave, generous. handsome and rich.” Ruth, the Saleslady—How wonderful! Now tell me, how can I get rid of the one I have now?” 0 0 0 A Puzzling “Howler.”—A schoolmaster asked his children to write something about sheep. One boy wrote:—“The sheep is noted for its wool coat an in a SL Luke’s” Read it aloud and you may perhaps gather what he meant. 0 0 9 Ump-ta -ra - ra! —A well-known woman is a famous Mrs. Malaprop as regards her speech. “And what in France,” asked a friend, “did you enjoy the most. Mrs. “Well, I think,” said the lady, “it was the French pheasants singing the Mayonnaise.”

Most motor wrecks are due to tight nuts. 0 9 9 A maximum sentence does not always mean a large number of words. A soft heart does not necessarily produce a soft head. • * * The people we can read like a book must be those of the bold face type The man who blows his own horn may come out at the little end cf it. • * * A man who lets his wife cut his hair looks as though he was henpecked. 0 9 9 The people who brood over their troubles must be anxious to hatch out more. • * * The trouble with opportunity knocking at the door is that it so often turns out to be a house-to-house canvasser. There’s some dispute now over who discovered the fastest moving star, a scientist or a sheik. 0 9 9 Women’s hats get smaller and smaller so you pan’t grumble about their not reducing the overhead expense. If an artist were to paint a picture of a person learning to skate we suppose it would require a great many sittings. • » • Manufacturers of cosmetics are advertising so much nowadays that some monthly publications are regular powder magazines.

But It Didn't. —Dealer: “Madam, I came to collect for the washing machine.” Madam: “How come? You said it would pay for itself in a few months.” * * * Boomerang.—A comedian who was secretly courting the daughter of a wealthy man at last plucked up courage to interview her father. The old gentleman, knowing the suitor’s profession, growled out: “Huh, my daughter doesn’t want to be tied to a blithering idiot for the rest of her life.” “Yes, I know,” said the artist blandly, “that’s why I am suggesting that I ought to take her off your hands.” * * * Progress.—A club man who had been badly rooked at bridge sought out the secretary and said darkly, “I think that blighter over in the corner there should be kicked out of the club. He’s a card-sharp. “What’s your proof?” asked the secretary. “Well, I don’t exactly have any proof but the blighter started by promising to tell my fortune . . . and now he’s counting it.” So Now You know.—An arm protruding from the side of a machine ahead apparently can signify any one of the following things: The motorist is (1) knocking ashes off his cigarette, (2) going to turn to the left, (3) warning a small boy to shut up, (4) going to turn to the right. (5) pointing to the scenery. (6) going to back up. (7) feeling for rain. (8) telling his wife he is sure the front door is locked, (9) hailing a friend in a passing car, (10) going to stop. Mass of Junk.—Dismal Patient—“ Yes doctor, my head is like a lump of lead, my neck’s as stiff as a drainpipe, my chest’s like a furnace, and my muscles contract like bands of iron.” Doctor—“l’m not sure you shouldn’t ; have gone to a hardware dealer.”

Ingenuous.—New Nurse: “Johnny! You mustn’t use that dreadful word!” Precocious Child: “Well, Shaw and Masefield use it.” New Nurse: “Then you mustn’t play with the naughty boys! ” Sweated Industry.—lndignant Wife: ‘‘l wonder what you would have done if you had lived when men were first compelled to earn their bread by the sweat of their brow.” Indolent husband: “1 should have opened a shop and sold handkerchiefs.” So Would You.—The auctioneer, who had been whispering excitedly to a man in his audience, held up a hand for silence. “I wish to announce,” he said, “that a gentleman here has had the misfortune to lose a wallet containing five hundred pounds. He tells me that a re-ward of twenty-five pounds will be given to anyone returning it.” After a silence a man in the crowd shouted: “I’ll give thirty pounds! ” • • * The Regular Habit.—The Bishop of London at a private dinner party was recalling some early incidents of his life. Upon one occasion, when he was visiting a sick woman in a squalid street, he asked her if her husband was quite regular in his habits. “Oh, very, sir,” was the prompt and emphatic reply. “'Why I don’t remember him ever coming home sober on a Saturday night ever since we’ve been married.” * • * Neither Quantity Nor Quality.— i Boardinghouse Proprietress: "I’m | afraid I shall have to give you notice. You’re not quite what 1 want.” Cook: “And I understood the boarders liked Imy cooking very much indeed.” “They | do; that’s just the trouble.”

Appearances Deceptive.— A man from the provinces was calling upon a convivial London friend. He rang the doorbell and said to the housekeeper who appeaxed: “This is where Mr. Smith the stockbroker lives, isn’t it?” “Stockbroker,” repeated the astonished woman, “I alius thought he was a night watchman.” Pride Cometh.—The comedian had been an utter failure, but he drew consolation from the fact that one man in the audience seemed to be interested. As it chanced lie met this .solitary person in the bar later on in the show. “Sir,” said the actor. “I would like you to know that during my recent performance, I was much encouraged by your up-turned face.” “Huh.” said the man who still looked upwards, “I’ve had a stiff neck for i week.”

So Should We.—'That is a. skyscraper,” announced the guide. Old Lady: “Oh, my! I*d love to see it work.” • * • Once Bitten. Housewife: “Look here, you said that if I’d give you dinner you’d roll the lawn for me! Now you refuse to do so.” Tramp: “I’d like to do it, ma’am, but I’ve gor. to teach you a lesson. Never trust the word of a total stranger.” • • * A Gay Dog.—A lady entered a. theatre where a much-discussed play with a risque scene was being performed. As she was about to make her way into the stalls the attendant noticed that she carried a toy dog in her arms. “Excuse me, madam.” h*' said, “but you can’t bring a dog in here.’’ “How absurd.” protested the lady, “What harm could the play do to my dog? He wouldn’t understand it.” • • • High Finance.—The novice who had been invited to attend a poker party had some astonishing luck once he had mastered the game. About eleven o’clock, however, he rose and surprised the others by saying, “Well, you fellows, I think I’lJ be moving homeward now that we’re all square.” “ATI square,” muttered the irritable host, who was quids out, “what do you mean, all square?” ‘'Well,” said the tyro, brightly, “we are all square, aren’t we? An hour ago you chaps had ell my money, and now I’ve got all yours.” • * • A Spoonerism.—The workmen bad come to see the drains, and lingered for days over the job. The old lady of the house, impatient at their slowness, told the foreman just what sh" thought of him. Indignant, he replied: “Be careful what you say, madam, or I shall sue you for damages.” “Very well, then.” came the answer, • I sliuil damn you for sewages.”