A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume I, Issue 258, 21 January 1928, Page 25

A JEST OR TWO

To Find the Lost. —Brown: ‘Your wife is very systematic, isn't she? Jones: Yes, very. She works on the theory that you can find whatever you want when you don’t want it by looking where it wouldn’t be if you did want it! * * * The Scapeghost.—Mother: Now, remember, Wilfie, there's a ghost in that dark cupboard where I keep the cake. Wilfie: It’s funny chat you never blame the ghost when some of the cake goes—then it’s always me! Cheaper to Carry On.—McPherson: “Gie me twa pennyworth o’ poison.” Chemist: “We can’t make up two pennyworth, sir. We can only make up six pennyworth.” McPherson (after deep thought): “AW, well, Til na commit suicide.” The Trust.—An elderly Scotchwoman looked out of the window as the train drew into the station, and. hailing a little boy, said: “Little boy, are you good?” “Yes’m.’ “Parents living?” “Yes’m.’ “Go to Sunday School?” “Yes’m.” “Love your teacher?” “Yes’m,” * I'hen I think I can trust you. Run with this penny and get me a bun, and remember God sees you!”

A Catch Somewhere.—“ There must be a catch somewhere,” said the man as he tried to fasten his wife's dress. Inferiors. —The Snob: I never mix with my inferiors, do you? The Bored: I-er-don’t-know —I uon’t think I ever met any of yours! Triumph of Hope.—Brown was giving his final bachelor party, and all was going well until a married friend approached him and said: “Let me congratulate you, old man. I feel sure you will always look back on this day as the happiest in your life.” •Thanks.” replied Brown, ‘ but —er— it’s to-morrow that I’m getting married.” "Yes,” agreed his friend. “I know that.”

Emptying a Nutshell.—“l have qnly a minute to spare.” "Good —tell meal! you know.” Chromatic Omelet. —Small child (who has happened on a pool of iridescent oil): "Oh, Mummie! Here’s a poor rainbow all squashed.” * • • No Archealogist.—Customer: "Are those doughnuts fresh?” Clerk: "I don’t know, madam. I’ve only been here a week.” Miraculous Sex.—"My wife is very thrifty. She made me a tie out of her old dress.” “And my wife made herself a dress out of one of my ties.” Deafening Whispers.—Bertha: "And they are keeping their engagement a secret, aren’t they?” Mattie: “Well, that’s what they are telling everybody.’ ’ Gave His All.—lt was at a fashionable wedding. The bridegroom had no visible means of support save his father, who was rich. When he came to the stage of the service where he had to repeat: "With all my worldly goods I thee endow!” his father said in a whisper that could be heard all over the church: "Heavens! There goes his bicycle!”

Hesperus.—Sue: ‘What’s the point in calling your friend ‘Hesperys’ all the time?” Lou- "’Cause I always have to ride in that Wreck of his.” * * * Ladies Prefer Sugar Daddies. —Poet • tentatively): "How would you like a j husband who writes blank verse?” i She (with candour): “I’d really ; rather have one who writes blank j cheques.” Diagnosing Bliss.—"l have been mar- ' ried for 30 years, and I spend every j evening at home with my wife.” j "Ah, that is love.” • ‘‘No, it is gout!” * * * I Almanac Aristocracy.—Mr. Xewpile: “Are you sure the Snobbes are superior enough to be worth cultivating?” j Mrs. Newpile: “Certainly. They’ve had their money two months longer than we’ve had ours.” * - * A Case for the Pound.— I am not well, doctor.” j How do you live?” "Like any other poor dog—l work ! like a horse all day, I am always ravenous as a wolf, then I am as tired as a , dog and sleep like a bear.” i "You had better consult a veterinary I surgeon.”

The Mad Dance. —" What a m... dance the guests are dancing.” It is my fault; I put a pancake on the gramophone instead of a dance record! ” The Mona Lisa Face. —Son: what i.j ar. inscrutable smile? " Father “It’s •he kind, my son, your mother had on her face this morning when I told her that business might keep me out late to-night.”