A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume I, Issue 246, 7 January 1928, Page 23

A JEST OR TWO

Thrift Note.—Early to bed, early to rise, keeps your room mate from wearing your ties. Congenial Company. Benevolent Visitor: “Do any of your friends ever come to see you here?” Convict: “No, ma’am, they're all here with roe.” Yum Yum.—First Eskimo: “How did you like your Christmas tree?” Second Eskimo: “It was swell. Those were the best candles I ever ate.” Engaging a Booster.—“ When I started in life,” said the successful man pompously, “I resolved that my motto should b© ‘Get thee behind me, Satan.* ” “Excellent,” murmured a listener. “There’s nothing like starting with a good backing.” The Grand Tour.—“ln my younger days,” the old actor said, “I travelled from one end of the country to the other.” “Well, well,” the young actor replied, “just think of that. And there were no rubber heels in those days, either.” Aid to Fond Memory.—Young Zoologist (who has been asked to lecture over the wireless): “And all the time, darling, though millions may be listening in, I shall he thinking of you alone.” Darling: “And what’s your lecture about, old thing?” Young Zoologist: “Freaks of nature.”

Thrifty Housewife.—Hubby: “Great heavens! The idea of you paying £2OO for a diamond ring.’* Wifey: “But think how much it will save you in dear.'* Empty-handed.—Judge: “Have you anything to offer to the court before sentence is passed on you?” Prisoner: “No, Judge. I had ten dollars, but my lawyer took . that.'* A Clear Run.-—The immigration official was examining an Englishman on his arrival in New York. “And what do you propose to do now you are in the United States?” he inquired. “Oh, I don’t care,” replied the Englishman hopefully. “Anything to earn an honest living.” “Well, come along in, then,” said the official. “I guess there ain’t much competition in your line of The Somnolent Foot.—“ Yes,” sighed the bride, “marriage makes a big differG 1 Her mother-in-law laughed. “Can one month’s experience really have taught you so much wisdom? But tell me, child,” she said, “what has George been doing? Is anything wrong?” “Oh, no,” said the girl; “I don’t think anything’s wrong!” She hesitated for a minute. “But do you know,” she continued, “whenever I sit on George’s knee now his foot goes to sleep ever so much more quickly than it used to! ”

No Answer Yet.-—A celebrated Hindu snake-charmer had pitched his tent in a village in the Midlands. “Snakes, ladies and gentlemen,” he said to an admiring audience, “have been the study of my life. Big snakes, little snakes, harmless snakes, and murderous monsters —I’ve lived with them all. There’s nothing about snakes, my friends, that I don’t know.” “The whole business?” asked one of the spectators. “Every little thing,” replied the charmer, decidedly. “Then,” said the villager, “maybe as you’ll tell me where the body leaves off and the tail begins?” Tragedy.—With dignified air and head erect, the woman descends the step and marches down the deserted street. In her hand is a large bundle, and in her eyes the light of battle. Fleet of foot, a man pursues her. “Come back,” he cries. “For the love of Heaven, do not leave me thus!” But the woman turns upon him only a look of withering scorn. “Stay!” cries the man in a frenzy of despair. “You cannot realise how empty my house will be without you! Surely—oh, surely, you cannot mean to leave me for ever!” But in vain. The man re-enters the house and casts himself upo na divan. “What—what is to become of us!” he moans. “Our cook is gone!/’

Brass Tacks.—“ Buyers of cars are more particular nowadays than they used to be, are they not?” we asked. “Oh. yes I” responded the dealer. “While they used to ask all sorts of questions about the mechanism, power, and so forth, now all they want to know is. ‘What is absolutely the lowest advance payment I must make?’ ”

Under Escort.—“ Were you personally conducted on your tour?” “Yes, my wife went along.” New Menace to Health.—Aunt Pruduce: “Keep away from the loudspeaker, Denny. The announcer sounds as if he had a cold.” Lost Motion.—“ Run upstairs and wash your face, darling. I think Grandma wants to take you driving with her.” “Hadn’t we better find out for certain, Mummie? It would be such a pity to wash for Safety First.—Two spiders who lived in a church were discussing the housing question. “I live under the pulpit, and get disturbed every Sunday,” said one. “Come with me,” said the other. “I live in the poor-box and never get disturbed.” * * * The Human Machine.—A young bachelor who was beset by a sewing machine agent told the agent that his machine would not answer its purpose. “Why,” said the agent, with voluble praise, “it is the best on the market in every respect.” “That may be,” replied the supposed customer; “but the sewing machine I am looking for must have flaxen hair and blue eyes.”

Get a Cradle.—First Assistant VicePresident—“ What sort of a position would your son like?” Second Assistant Vice-President—-“As nearly horizontal as he can get.” ♦ me Popular Alibi.—“So you really believe there’s such a thing as luck?” “Of course—otherwise how on earth could I explain the success of my enemies?” One of Those Things.—“lf a tall man wearing horn-rimmed glasses walked into a large department store on April Fool’s Day to buy a dozen lace curtains trimmed with pink and blue ribbon and said that he wanted them delivered that very day or he would not take them, what would the girl behind the counter call him?” “I bite.” “A customer.” Proof Enough!—A stranger entered a small country post office and, producing a money-order, asked for payment. As the order was for quite a large amount and the payee was unknown to the clerk behind the counter, the stranger was asked for some proof of his identity. “Why, certainly,” he replied, and fished out a postcard. “There, that is my photo!” “So Sudden.”—“That’s a nice looking young fellow who’s just come in,” said the young man who was dining with his girl. “Is he a friend of yours?” “Yes, indeed. I , know him well,” laughed the maiden. “Shall I ask him to join us?” “Oh, George!” said the girl, blushing, “this is so sudden.” “Sudden? What do you mean?” he asked in surprise. “Why—why, that’s our young minister.”

The Unforseen.—Timothy had been passing judgment on a neighbour, a judgment that was far from flattering. “I hate the old cat,” he cried, stamping his foot. “You shouldn’t say that. Tim,” corrected his mother. “The Bible says we must love everybody.” “I know,” was the reply; “but Mrs. Ginns wasn’t alive when the Bible was writ- , ten.” _

Speedy Trade-In.—“This is your new father, dear.” “But, mummy, we had hardly used the last one.” Ouch!—“Mama, can I borrow father’s trousers-press?” “Whatever for?” “I want to play Spanish Inquisition with Helen!” * * * Chance Discovery.—Jack: “Harry moved out of that boarding-house after staying only two weeks.” Sprat: “He must have finally found out that the place had no bathtub.”

Not a Squawk.—Host (appearing on darkened verandah): “Are you young folks all enjoying yourselves?” (Absolute silence.) Host (returning indoors): “That’s fine!” Fashionable Alibi.—He: “I should think your many activities •would cause you to neglect the children.” She: “Oh, no—l employ a governess to do that.” Passing the Buck.—The Movie Star: “I can never marry you, Joe but . . .” He: “But what?” She: “If you’ll drop around at the studio to-morrow, I’ll introduce you to my double.” First Aid.—Complained a member of Parliament to a well-known British peer: “I’ve got a ’orrible ’eadache. What would you prescribe?” “A couple of aspirates,” was the prompt answer. The Reward.— Holiday-making in a South Coast town, a Londoner spent a day fishing with very good results. He presented the whole of his catch to the landlady of the boarding-house, enough fish to supply the estblishment. At the end of the week his bill read: “Lard (for frying fish), Is 6d.” What, he asks, is one to do with the fish he catches? •* * * Old Sundries.— Servant: What shall I do with this old clothing, sir? Philanthropist: Give it to the home missions. Servant: And these old books and magazines? Philanthropist: The Salvation Army. Servant: And shall I throw away these old pen nibs? Philanthropist: No. Give ’em to the post office.

Autumn Chills.—Tramp: “Sorry, lidy, I’m absolutely overwhelmed with trousers. But I was most anxious for an old overcoat before the season starts for puttin’ ’em over motor-car radiators!”

Places for Two.—Mrs. Stormyweather, who had been engaged in a somewhat prolonged and heated dialogue with her husband, beat a dignified retreat so soon as she found she was getting the worst of the argument, and turned her attention to culinary matters as a balm for her ruffled soul. “Jane," she said, “I want you to put on your things at once, and go out and see if you can get me a plaice.” “Yes’m,” replied Jane, with alacrity. “And while I’m about it I may as well look for one myself, too, for Fm blest if I can stand the master any more than you!” It Was Meet.—“l George,” remarked Mrs. Gregson, as she came in from the kitchen, “that we ought to invite the Blundells to dinner this evening.i” Her husband threw aside his paper and removed his spectacles. “Er—what was that, my dear?” he asked nervously. His wife repeated her remark in a firmer voice. “Just as you like,” agreed Mr. Gregson. “But why do you say, ‘we ought’? ’ “Well,” replied the other, “their butcher happened to leave their meat here by mistake, and it seems only fair.”

The Ambition.—An old bellringer at a certain parish church, chough nearly in his 80th year, performed his duties regularly. The old man had seen many changes take place in the church, and was therefore rather upset at the suggestion made by the new vicar that, in eonsiderat on of his great age, he thought it was time that he retired and put aside his work. “Look’ee here, sir.” replied the old man, cheerfully, “I was born and bred in this place, and in me time I’ve seen five vicars of the parish dead, and I would like to make it half a dozen before I give up myself.’-