A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume I, Issue 218, 3 December 1927, Page 25 (Supplement)

A JEST OR TWO

Common Aim.—Flub: "What caused that collision to-day?” Dub: “Two motorists after the same pedestrian.”

Mistake Somewhere. Customer: "Waiter, this is the first tender steak I’ve ever had in your shop.” Waiter: "My goodness! You must have got the guvnor’s.”

Not Clarence’s Measure: "I have bad news for you, Clarence.” “What is it?” “I visited a fortune-teller’s this afternoon, and she told me that I am going to marry a handsome man.” Long Cherished Hope.—The clerk timidly entered his employer’s sanctum. "I should like to go to my mother-in-law’s funeral this afternoon, sir,” he ventured. The head of the firm looked up at him and murmured: "So should I!” Broken Shackles.—"My dear,” said the old man, tenderly, "to-day is our diamond wedding, and I have a little surprise for you.” "Yes?” asked his silver-haired wife. He took her hand in his. "You see this engagement ring I gave you seventy-six years ago?” "Yes?” said the expectant old lady. “Well, I paid the final instalment on it to-day, and I am proud to announce that it is now altogether yours.” No Added Money.—A wealthy man gave a dinner and dance during the festive season in the hope of stimulating some interest in his oldest and unmarried daughter. When he had gathered the men together round the port he delicately edged conversation on to the subject of his daughter and said, “Ah, yes, gentlemen, I tell you, the man who marries Jane gets a prize.” There was silence for a moment. then a diffident young man enquired, “Is it ... er ... a cash prize, sir, or just a silver pot?”

&-r ~ 7.- r'.~r rl-r ¥r r* * X rr. rr. * r.- ?■-_ Real Calamity.—“My wife has run I away with a man in my car.” “Good heaven! Not your new car!” The Bitter End.—A traveller for a j big tobacco firm was asked why their cork-tipped cigarettes were not sell- j ing better in Aberdeen. “Well, you see.” lie answered, “the people there don’t like the smell of burnt cork.” Sufficient Reason. —“Your son tips me more generously than you do, sir,” a taxi-cab driver said to a wealthy city gentleman, who replied, “That is quite possible. He has a rich father, you see. I haven’t.” Unkind Jab.—The latest on the poor Scotchman is the story of one Sandy Me Twitter n, who after going to church eighteen years straight, acquired the knack of bounding his penny on the collection plate so that it flipped back into his hand. All in Good Time.: “Hoes your watch keep good time?” “Hoes my watch keep good time? Why, you notice the days getting longer, don’t you?” “Yes.” “Well, that’s just the sun trying to get back to schedule with my watch.” A Dubious Invitation.—An American . missionary was recently very perplexed about the advisability of accepting the following invitation from a cannibal j chieftain: “We’d like to have you for dinner Sunday.” Quick Work.—He had been dining too well, and hailing a taxi, crawled i gingerly inside, after falteringly giving : the driver his destination. It happened j that the opposite door had been left | unlatched by the previous fare, and ! stumbling against it. the inebriated one : fell outside again. He picked himself ! up with difficulty and approached the driver. “That's pretty quick work.” b j said. "How much do I owe you?”

Pure Luck. —He: “Say, how is it that you are always out when I call?” She: ‘“Just luck, I guess.” The Unbeliever. —He: “Would you mind telling me your age?” She (ingeniously): “Not at all. I’m eighteen. He “Times what?” These Days. —lrate Papa: ‘You couldn’t keep my daughter in cigarettes.” Suitor: “Maybe not always, sir, but I have been doing it for the last j year.” Heard at the Racecourse. — Owner, to i jockey: “Can’t you reduce some more?” Jockey: “I haven’t eaten in two weeks, and to-day I cut my fingernails.” Owner: “Go home and shave.” Agricultural Note. —First Chess Player: “When does a rooster become a bandsman?” Second Brain Fever Victim: “Don’t bother a busy man.” First Clansman: “Why, when he gets his corn-et.” Perhaps It Was a Stationary Store.— Drunk: “Shay, you cheated me. You sold me thish cane and I want my money back.” Clerk: “What’s the matter with it?” Drunk: “You shed thish I wash a walking cane and here it won’t i take a sthtep.” * . • “Breach of Promise.” —The follow - ■ ! ing story was told by a famous actress i who took her five-year-old daughter ! to a jeweller’s where her watch was r ! to be repaired: l ! “It will be ready on Tuesday,” said : | the shop assistant. I “A promise?” asked the little girl I I very seriously. I | "I promise.” replied the man smil- ?! ing. l i But on reaching the door the child turned round and said gravely, “If it is not then. I shall sue you for | breach of promise.”