A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume I, Issue 194, 5 November 1927, Page 25 (Supplement)

A JEST OR TWO

TOPICAL TITBITS

Funny that a man of Mussolini’s omnipotence can’t have any luck at all with hair-.restorer. —Arkansas “Gazette.” Modern fiction, say critics, runs too much to love. Yes, and modern love runs too much to fiction. —“Wall Street Journal.” We’d hate to have to wear anything that had to be pulled up as often as stocKings or clown as often as skirts. —Ohio "State Journal.” We shall simply have to build more and bigger stadiums, that’s all. It looks like they are being born even faster than one a minute. —“American Lumberman.” In Egypt a plate over the door means there is a marriageable girl in the house. In America a flivver in front of the house says it. —Publishers Syndicate. I believe that the members of the dental profession are the only men who can tell a woman to open or close her mouth and get away with it. — Chicago “Daily News.” % % % % & % % His Long Suit.—Anxious Mother: “And is my boy really trying?” Tired Teacher: “Very.” Warmed Over.—Sweet Young Thing (to friend): “Really good-looking boys are so scarce these days, I think I ought to make mine do another year.” Handv Wardrobe.—“l have a suit for every day in the week.” “Yes ?” “This is it.” No Frills.—Tramp: “Kin I cut your grass for a meal, mum?” Lady of the House: “Yes, my poor man. But you needn’t bother cutting it; you may eat it right off the ground.”

Simplified Grammar. —Heck: “Do you have any trouble with ‘shall’ and ‘will’?” Peck: “No; my wife says ‘You shall’ and I say ‘I will.’ ” Naughty Ding-Dong. —“Why were you late to Sunday school this morning. Tom?” asked the teacher. “Why, the bell rang - before I got here,” the little fellow explained. * * * Popular Tyrants. —Teacher (during history lesson)—“What are the races that have dominated England since the invasion of the Romans?” Small Boy—“ The Derby and the Grand National, miss.” Breaking It Cently. —Junior Partner (to pretty stenographer): “Are you doing anything on Sunday evening. Miss Dale?” Steno (hopefully) : “No, not a thing.” “Then try to be at the office earlier on Monday morning, will you?”

Squash Him Gently. —“So you are using balloon tyres now.” “Yes, they are easier on the pedestrian.” Domestic Philosophy. —“ That was an excellent paper your daughter read on The Influence of Science as Applied to Practical Government.” “Yes, Helen is the pride of her class, and now that she has mastered the Influence of Science as Applied to Practical Government I hope she will be willing to find out something concerning the Influence of the Vacuum Cleaner as Applied to the Parlour Rug.” Galvanised Justice. —A chap was arrested for anault and battery and brought before the judge. Judge (to prisoner): “What is your name, occupation, and what are you charged with?” Prisoner: “My name is Sparks. I am an electrician, and I am charged with battery.” Judge (after recovering his equilibrium): “Officer, put this guy in a dry cell.”

Just Like That. —Dressmaker: “Your dress will be done just as soon as I sew the fastener.” Flapper: “All right, make it snappy.” His Best Effort.—Actor: “What do you think of my acting?” Friend: “Jolly good. But you did better last year!” “But, man, I didn’t act last year!” “I know!” Save the Pieces. —“What a pretty name your maid has!” remarked the visitor. “Oh, that isn’t her real name,” was the reply; “we call her ‘Dawn’ because she’s always breaking!” Rocky Job.—“ Rastus, you good-for-nothing scamp, where have you been loafing all day? Didn’t I tell you to lav in some coal?” Rastus: “Yassu. Ah’s been layin’ in de coal all day, tho dere is lots of softer places whar Ah’d ruther lay.” s- ~ L :- -r *

SK ?r, 7 a rr. rr. yr, rr * Valuable Precedent. —“Listen,” remarked the exasperated driver over his shoulder, “Lindbergh got to Pans without any advice from the back seat.” Cost More Than That. It was the local flower and vegetable show, and one of the residents of the little hamlet carried off the first prize for cauliflowers with a magnificent specimen. “That’s a fine one,” said a admiringly; “dang me if I don’t offer you two bob for it.” “Nothin’ doin’,” replied the prizewinner, unguardedly. “I gave half a crown for it myself.” Why Jock Failed. —A Scotsman, undergoing a naval examination, was asked to describe different electric batteries, among them one named the Daniel cell. Jock’s reply was: “About Daniel’s cell very little is known, but it is generally supposed to have been a bare den furnished with lions. As Daniel is dead, and the lions are dead, what on earth is the good of raking up an old story ?’*

PASSING SHOTS

Some remarks are like medicine— not so bad if you swallow them quickly. Many a black hat is nn example of darkness that may be felt. A critic asks if brains are necessary for the chorus girl. Well, she must have good understanding. No sportsman wagers upon a certainty: it’s not done,'and apart from that you’re so apt to lose. The meanest man in the world is the one who has become deaf, but won’t tell his barber about it. * * * J’ ever hear about the absentminded prof who fell in while boating and sank twice before he remembered he could swim ? A-hem! —“I mean to put my foot down on short frocks,” declares a minister. He’ll have to start training for high jumping. Sir Landon Ronald has mentioned that 12 years ago there were only three saxophone players in England. Those were the good old days. W: ?!“ rjr w- r!- r!- -1- rr * rF Quick on the Trigger. —A .rapid girl is Katie Bower, she can say goodnight within an hour. Save the Soap. —Teacher: “What is the ‘Order of the Bath’?” Kid: “Pa first, then Ma, then us kids, and then the hired girl.” Business First. —“ Are you engaged to him?” asked Miss Cayenne. “Yes,” answered the prudent girl. “But I have requested time to verify reports on his title and fortune.” “That is not an engagement. That is an option.”