A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume I, Issue 182, 22 October 1927, Page 25 (Supplement)

A JEST OR TWO

Explained.—Hubby: “Why is dinner late?” Wife: “I prepared it by the clock you set when you came in last night.” Profitable.—Rastel: Do you really think that love pays? Macklin: As an ex-husband I can truthfully says it pays as it goes. Marathon.—“l thought the bride looked a little tired.” “Why not? Look how long she’s been running after that bird.” Not an Epicure.—“ Last night Jack told me I looked sweet enough to eat.” “Yes, Jack is fond of plain food.” Rocks Ahead. —Mrs. Marshall: “Mrs. Cutts remarked about your dignified appearance.” Marshall: “Ho, hum! What is it now? A new coat or a hat 9 ” Shaken Decorum.—Recently there was a distinct earthquake shock which disturbed a small Western city and rocked the municipal building so that the councilmen, then in session, left without the usual ceremonies. The clerk, a man of rules and regulations, was hard put to give his minutes the proper official tone. Finally he evolved this masterpiece: “On motion cf the city hall, the council adjourned.”

Roll of Honour, —Gushing: Lady: “Oh, Mr. Jones, we are collecting: funds to help the starving heathen. May I put your name on the succour list?” * * * Ouch! —Officer: “You were speeding. I’ve got to pinch you.” Fair Motorist: “Oh, please! If you must, do it where it won’t show!” Hoisting Problem. —“So the Browns have had a disagreement and separated. What was it about?” “She wanted to have her face lifted and he insisted that it be the mortEase '' Case for the Coroner. —Wifey: “John there is someone in the pantry, and I’ve just made a pie.” Hubby: “Well, it’s all right with me as long as he don’t die in the house.” Dangerous Crossing. “Marriage,” said the philosopher, “is like a railroad sign. When you see a pretty girl you stop; then you look, and after you re married you listen.” The Dreaming Dog.— First boy (sneeringly): “Listen to your father snoring.” , . ~ Second boy (indignantly) : Dad isn t snoring. He’s dreaming about a dog, an’ that’s the dog growlin’.” Pronouns. —A famous pianist living with his current wife, he having been previously divorced, as she also had been, was interrupted one day at his work by his wife, who exclaimed. “Come. Rudolph, quickly, your child and my child are beating our child'” On the Evidence. —Two boys were arguing very heatedly last week. “Well. I’m a penny short,” said one. “You, surely don’t accuse me o’ takin’ yer penny,” said the other. “No,” said the first, “I don’t say you took it, but there it i$ —I’m a penny short, and you’re eatin’ bulls-eyes.”

Apples. —“If a boy had two apples and would not give you one he would be a selfish boy, wouldn’t he?” “Yes, papa.” “But if he gave you both, what would he be?” “An idiot!” Knew Her Ablutions. —The kindergarten teacher asked one of her young pupils what the eyes were for, and was promptly answered, “To see with.” Another was asked what the nose was for, and the answer was correctly given. Then she asked the little daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Paul Watts, “What are your ears for?” The child replied, “To keep clean.” She got a 100 mark. The New Chronology. —“ Why, Ella, you know' that isn’t right. I remember it perfectly. Don’t you know it happened five instalments ago? Yes, sir, just five instalments after I kissed your ring upon your finger, Laura told us that she and A 1 were six instalments along on their new' furniture. And now* they are going to be divorced w T ith only ten more instalments to meet. Well, as I said, they had their first quarrel just six instalments after our engagement. I remember it perfectly because it was the exact day of the third instalment on my car, the fifth instalment on my radio and the Viinth instalment on my dog!”

Efficiency Stunt. “What’s that putty on your finger for?” Plumber: “That’s to remind me to forget my tools.” Condemned. —Terry: “What are you looking so bored and mournful about" Jerry: “Some friends of my wife’s are planning a pleasant surprise for me to-night.” Under Two Flags. —Store Manager: “They say brunettes have sw r eeter dispositions than blondes.” Clerk: “Well, my wife’s been both and I can’t see any difference.” * * * Painless Touch System. —“ Where did you find this wonderful follow-up system? It would get money out of anybody.” “I simply compiled and adapted the letters my son sent me from college.” Common Fault. —The teacher in a suburban school was lecturing her class of small citizens on bad habits, and stressed the importance of doing the right thing at all times. “Now’, Willie,” she asked. “What is it that is so easy to get into yet so hard to get out of?” _ Willie: “Please, Miss, my bed.

The Musical Cook. —Mistress (to new cook): “We want you to do your best to-night, as a few friends are coming to a musical evening.” Cook (coyly): "Well, really, I haven’t sung for years, but if it’s any help to you put me down fcr “Bye-bye, Blackbird.” Airy Adventures. — “I had reached a height of seven thousand feet,” said the boaster, “when the engines failed and a wing of the airplane broke. Whirling down at a terrific pace, I was sick with horror at the idea of the inevitable crash and ” “Wha —what happened?” asked a thrilled member of his audience. “Fortunately, I fell in a rubber plantation!” Mourning, Perhaps. —The rector of a large and fashionable church was endeavouring to teach the significance of j white to a Sunday school class. “Why,” ‘ said he, “does a bride invariably desire ! to be clothed in white at her mari riage?” As no one answered, he exI plained. “White,” said he “stands for ! joy, and the wedding day is the most I joyous occasion in a woman’s life.” A j small boy queried, “Why do the men i all wear black?’’ Setting the Stage. —The Simpsons are i more than just husband and wife. | They are what Mrs. Simpson calls (pals; good pals. They do everything together, no matter how furious they make each other. No matter how bored and angry they may be. they can always declare a truce while they try to interest other couples in being very good chums. Mrs. Simpson is never too busy to drop what she is doing and ruin a day’s fishing for her husband. She is always ready to play him ten or twelve sets of tennis. She is only sorry that she can’t go with him and cheer him up on his business trips. She says they have such good times together. They never have a cross word. There’s going to be a i murder therd one of these days.

Not So Life-like. —She: “The play i isn’t at all true to life. The wife continuously asks for money.” He: “Which is quite natural.” “But she gets it.” The Rehearsal.— First foi Dg Lady. What are you crying for so bitterly, darling? Second Ditto: I’m only re- ! hearsing, dearest. My breach of promise case comes off to-morrow. * * * Cute Lad. —“ How extravagant of you, dear,” said she to her husband, “to pay £25 for this lovely diamond ring.” “Not at all, darling,” he replied. "I know you won’t want me 10 buy you any new gloves for a year.” Good Words. —“J fenny, did your teacher tell how you might be a happy ! boy if you wished?” Johnny (who had been to a Sunday school tea meeting;: Oh yes, papa! He said, “Now, boys, all of you eat as much as ever you like.” * * * When Pat Measured Up. —“l hear your dog is dead, Pat,” said a man to an Irishman. “He is, sur. The pur ! bast swallied a tape measure, sur,” I answered Pat. “Ah,” said the man, “then he died by inches, hey?” “No, ! sur,” answered Pat. with a wink at a i friend standing by, “not exactly. He | went back to the house, sur, and died 1 by the yard.”