A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume I, Issue 170, 8 October 1927, Page 28 (Supplement)

A JEST OR TWO

Safety First. —“ Why are you always holding: your wife’s hands?” “To keep them out of my pockets.” A Catastrophe Missed. —“ Say, George, did you hear about the man who fell off a 60ft. ladder?” “No; was he hurt much?” “No; he fell off the bottom rung.” His Ambition. —“ Are you really content to spend your life walking around the country begging?” “No, lady/’ answered Weary Willie, “Many’s the time I’ve wished I had a motor-bike.” * * * Congenial Souls. —“I do hate to play cards with a bad loser, don’t you?” “Oh, I don’t know. I’d rather play with a bad loser than any kind of a winner.” * * * Inquisitive Fido. —Henpecked Husband—“ Where is your mistress going for the winter?” Maid—“To Palm Beach, sir.” H.H.—“Do you know whether she is taking me with her?” ♦ * * Warriors Both. —He: Isn’t that General Blank and his daughter over there? She: Yes. They say that she has been through more engagements than her father. • • • For the Social Entertainer. —How to give a girl a surprise party: Place arras around her, draw her close and start to kiss her. When she says, “Stop, how dare you?” release her unkissed. Note surprise on her face.

Ye Merrie Englande.—Baron Applegate: They tell me "that Lord Cheapside is a social failure. Baron Slushbottom: Y€;a, verily; he hath no manors. 000 Soft-hearted. Rider: Why didn’t you sound your horn when you saw the man in the road? Driver: I thought it would be more humane if he never knew what hit him. 0 * • Evidently a Dachshund.—Young Woman: I want that dog shot at once. Policeman: I can’t shoot him here in this residence district. The bullet might go right through him and hit; somebody. Young Woman: But couldn’t you shoot him lengthwise? Not Included.—“ Parson,” exclaimed Ephraim, ‘Tse got ’ligion, I tell you.” “That’s fine, brother! You are going to lay aside all sin?” “Yes, suh.” “You’re going to church?” “Yes, suh.” “You’re going to care for the widows?” “Sho' am!” “Are you going to pay your debts?” “Suh? Dat ain’t ’ligion. Dat’s business.”

Did He Spell It?—The swimmer was before Magistrate Gresser, charged with driving an automobile at 35 miles an hour. Miss Ederle pleaded guilty, and Magistrate Gresser said: “I will suspend sentence for you because of your big feat.” Miss Ederle smiled, thanked the court and went out. 0 0 0 Oh, So Lonesome.— Said one to another: “Tell me where places the mcst lonesome are found?” “Sure,” said his friend. “Heaven and hell are are emptiest the whole world round.” “What causes this sad condition, without the least trace, of leaven?” “There’s is not a blessed soul in hell nor yet a damned one in heaven.” * * * Convincing. Husband: “Hello, George.” “Is that you, George?” “You are George?” “Yes. I would, George.” “Certainly I will, George.” “No, George; all right, George.” “Of course I will, George.” “Well, good-bye, George.” Then the man turned to his suspicious wife and said: “That was George, clear.”

Exclusive.—Mrs. North: The Burrows seem to be unusually proud of their car. Mrs. West: Yes; they can’t afford it more than anybody in our set. * 0 0 No Appeal.—“ Gosh, Smith was certainly unlucky in his divorce suit.” “How’s that?” “Why, he got the custody of the mother-in-law.” * * * Fate!—Binks (over newspaper): Life’s a funny proposition. Here’s Joe Gulp—he’s voted in every Chicago election for the last 40 years, and now he dies . from a pin scratch! 0 0 0 Expert Advice.—Merchant: Do you believe the business man should go into politics? Politician: Certainly, provided he has plenty of money, is willing to spend it, and goes in on my side.

A Familiar Sound.—The vicar was preaching on the new English Prayer Book, and laid stress upon the fact that the use of the new forms was purely optional. The small daughter of a churchwarden was very puzzled. “What’s ‘optional,’ Dadcly?” she said in a loud whisper, and added, after a moment’s reflection, “I know, fancy dress or otherwise.”

Silly Notion.—Mother: Now, Junior, suppose you were to hand Willie a plate with a large and small piece of cake on it, wouldn’t you tell him to take the larger piece? Junior: No. Mother: Why not? Junior: Because it w*ouldn’t be necessary! * * * Why He Agreed.—“l wish,” roared the temperance speaker, “I wish all the alcohol in the world could be poured into the sea!” “Hear, hear,” called a voice from the back of the hall. “Ah!” said the speaker. “I’m glad there is one sane man here. I will ask him, as a total abstainer* to say a few words.” “Total abstainer be blowed!” shouted the voice in reply. “I’m a diver!” * * * Slight Risk.—Old Uncle Eben Jones went into a life insurance office and requested a policy. “Why, uncle,” said the president, “you are too old for us to take the risk. How old are you?” “Ninety-seven come next August,” said the old man, and testily: “If you folks will take the trouble to look up your statistics, you’ll find that mighty few men die after they’re 97.”

Double Misfit.—“ Mr. Diggs, the contractor, offered me his hand and fortune. but I refused both.” Madge: “Oh, why?” Mabel: “One was too large and the other too small.”

What Were They Doing.—The youngsters were intensely interested in the operations of several bricklayers during the construction of an apartment house. “I guess I know what they’re doing,” shouted one. “What?” returned the others. “They’re buttering bricks!” * * * Chip of the Old Block.—Little Leslie was going to a party at the best house in the road, and his mother gave him a few points about his table maimers. When, later in the evening, her son returned she asked whether he had obeyed her instructions. “Oh, yes,” he replied proudly. “When they offered me a second piece of cake I said: : ‘Take that beastly stuff away!’ —just the same as father does.” o*o He Preferred Paper.—They were talking of diet problems, and the business man asked the literary man, who had not so far contributed to the discussion, whether he had ever tried writing on an empty stomach. “My dear fellow,” was the reply, “I am an author, not a tattoo artist.”