A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume I, Issue 152, 17 September 1927, Page 25 (Supplement)

A Jest or Two

A Way Out.—Hub: Don’t bring me any bills: I can’t face them. Wife: You needn’t, darling; 1 only want you to l oot them.

The New Generation.—Sweet Young Thing: I don’t approve; of your friendship with Mrs. Swiftest, Mummy. Her children have brought her up wrong.

Home Once More. —Warder: “What! You back again!” Convict: “Yes. Any letters or parcels for me?”

The Right Procedure.—“ Jack told me the other day he was dying to kiss me.” “Then I hope you rendered him first aid.”

Nearly a Prophet.—“ Briefs,” said the solicitor to one of his clerks, “I saw you at the cricket match yesterday. When you asked me to let you off you said you were going to a funeral.”

“That is so,’’ replied the clerk. "And I’m pretty near a prophet. Did you ever see a slower game in your life?”

TOPICAL TIT BITS

Instalment paying makes the months shorter and the years longer ! F ' If seeing is believing, men should have implicit faith in women these days. —Passaic News. An eastern penitentiary has installed radio for its convifcts. That settles it. We’ll be good. —EI Paso Times. Somebody proposes pacifying the Philippines on the Irish Free State plan. How that man must hate peace! —Dallas News. Next to Lindbergh’s feat, the greatest sensation will be the 50th wedding anniversary of a movie couple. —lndianapolis Star. The man arrested in Philadelphia for tearing buttons off people’s clothes has been returned to'his laundry. —Atlanta Constitution. Queer, but all those people killed by earthquake in China might have gone to war and be living yet. —Wichita Eagle.

Hi7l4 hr % ~ Why He Cried.—Old Lady: “Tell me, dear, what is your little brother crying for?” Girl: “E’s not .cryin’, mum—’e’s been playin’ tennis with one of mother’s onions!” * * * No Congratulations, Please!—Visitor: “Well, John, what’s happened since wo were here last year?” John: “Henry ’as got married.” “Oh! I’m glad to hear that.” “Eh? What ’arm ’as ’e done you, then ?”

Much More Important.—Professor: “Why are you biting that sixpence I gave you?” Newsboy: “To make sure it’s a good ’un, guv’nor.”

Professor: “But don’t you know, boy, that money simply swarms with microbes? Aren’t you afraid of getting a bad mouth?” Newsboy: “Not ’arf so much as I am of gettin’ a bad tanner, guv’nor!”

Giving Her Away.—Woman (leaving theatre and talking loudly): We must get along to our car now. Her Friend (innocently): Ido hope we won’t have to go on top, dear.

Eiad for Trade.—The Burglar's Wife: Wireless’ll be the ruin of you—you’ve dor e nothing but stop at home o’ nights and neglect business ever since you pinched that two-valve set!

Quite True. —Teacher: “Tommy, why do you write ‘Bank’ with a large 33? “Because daddy said a bank was no good unless it had a large capital.”

Something New.—Lady: “This isn’t the same story you told me before.” Tramp: “No, lady, you didn’t believe the other one.”

As Husband to Wife.—“lt’s a great secret, my dear—a terribly wellguarded secret! And when I tell it to you, be sure and tell everybody Lo tell everybody not to tell anybody.” * * * Economy.—“ How much do you charge for taking out a tooth?” “Five shillings.”

“Do you make any reduction for two?”

“I can extract two for seven and sixpence.”

“Very well, I’ll wait until my wife gets a bad one.”