A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume I, Issue 134, 27 August 1927, Page 25

A JEST OR TWO

,__V Knew. —Johnny: Sly father ts in the city. What does your ’ 3 ther do? Jimmy: What Ha tells bin 3 * * * * v«irs to Wait. —"What is your son *' to be when he has passed all his “An old man. I’m jfraii-” , » * Proof.— "Can Enid take a joke?" "I ,hou!i think so! Look at the fiance stir's taken. e , w(,y?—Teacher: “What do we use "for?” Johnny (feelingly) : "That's I'd like to know."

PASSING SHOTS

Blessed are they who owe, for they invariably live in luxury. Sbe may be a telephone girl, but shs sure has some good connections. The old-fashioned girl used to stay jt home when she hud nothing to poor- a o * x Scotch philanthropist has offered 190 000 dollars to the first person to fly from New York to Mars. They tell us that the Prince of Wales has been riding hofseback off and on was a child. Yesterday we heard positively the last one on oitr friend, the absentminded professor. He slammed his wife and kissed the door. Then there’s the absent-minded farmer who hitched his wife up to [he plow and kissed his horse goodbye-

Brethren of the Guild. —First Tramp (reading an old newspaper): Here’s a story about a cove who did no work for 30 years. Second Tramp (wearily): Oh, don’t talk shop. A Good Yarn. —Salesman (showing customer cycling stockings): Surprising value, sir. Worth double the money. Latest pattern, fast colours, hole-proof, won’t shrink, and it’s a good yarn. Customer: Yes, and very well told. A Soft Answer. —“lt really made me indignant, Henrietta,” said Mr. Meekton, “when you intimated that I had not accomplished much in this life.” “Indeed!” “Yes. I don’t like to dispute your opinions. But to suggest that a man who succeeded in becoming your husband hasn’t achieved much does seem a little bit unjust.”

Slightly Mixed.—Charlady: She wanted me to have a finger in the pie, but I smelt a rat an’ nipped it in the bud. Cook: Lor’, Mrs. Jones, ’ow you do mix your semaphores.

Pedestrians have their rights. Presumably the last rites.—“ Wall Street Journal.” The ukulele is now made with a single string. A useful little device to promote enjoyment at a party is a pair of pocket wire-clippers.—“ Punch.” Mount Vesuvius becomes active. Mussolini is not going to allow any idling in Italy.—“ Tampa Tribune.” It is reported that Captain Lindbergh took back a saxophone when he returned to America. He must come over here again and again.—“Punch.” At a bankers' dinner the other evening a banker read a bad poem that he wrote, and nothing was done about it. But just let a poet write a bad cheque!—“New York American.” It seems to us that the various factions in China ought to be able to iron out their difficulties.—“ Life.” “Man’s origin traced to a primitive fish.”—Head-line. Which may explain why it is so hard for some men to keep their heads above water.—“ Norfolk Virginian-Pilot.”

Easy to Answer. —Charles: “I wonder why women always seem to be misunderstood?” Cynthia: “Well, you never heard of one making herself plain, did you?” Sure to be Late. —She: “Meet me outside the stores to-night at six o’clock.” He: “All right; what time will you be there?” No Fault of Hers. —Max: “Have you ever been kissed before?” Mavis: “Y-y-yes, ’c-c-cause I n-n-never could could s-s-say n-n-no fast enough.’’ Taking No Chances. —“ Doctor, my mother-in-law has hanged herself.” “Have you cut her down?” “No: I don’t think she’s dead yet.”

Taking No Risks. —Farmer (to chemist): “Now, be sure an’ write plain on them bottles which is for the Jersey cow and which is for my wife. I don’t want nothin wrong to ’appen to that Jersey cow.”

His Secret. —“ Mike, why have ye got yer coat buttoned up like that on a beautiful day like this?” “Bedad, Pat, it’s just to hide the shirt I haven’t got on.” Mother Was Wise. —“ That young man stays until a very late hour, Gladys,” said the angry father. “What does your mother say about it?” “Well, daddy, she says that men haven’t changed a ’'it.” Too Bad to be True. —The Romantic Lady: “I wouldn’t dream of marrying you. You are an absolute idiot. I wouldn’t marry you if you were the las man on earth. I hate you!” The Persistent Suitor: “Do I understand that you are rejecting my proposal?” The Warning. —Philip: “If I should tell you, dear, that my love for you had grown cold, that I had ceased to care for you, would it be a trial to you, darling?” Helen: “Yes, Philip, dear; it would be a breach of promise trial.” All the Difference. —Motorist: “It’s preposterous, officer, to say I was driving dangerously. I’m an expert driver. What I know about driving would fill a book.” Constable: “And what you don’t would fill a hospital. Give me your name and address, please.”

Quite True.—“ Human nature’s a queer thing, especially female human nature.” “What are you thinking about now?” “For instance, if a young man tells a girl—any—that she’s altogether different from her sisters she always takes it as a compliment.” The Latest Scotch Joke.—“ Verily, Hector, did you hear the latest Scotch joke?” “Proceed. Alcibiades.” “A Scotsman has just offered £5,000 for the first person to swim the- Atlantic.”

Danger Ahead. —lt was dusk as she stopped at the roadside-filling station. “I want a quart of red oil,” she said to the service man. The man gasped and hesitated. “Give me a quart of red oil,” she repeated. * “A quart of r-r-red oil,” he stuttered. “Certainly,” she said. “My tail-light lias gone out.” Making Sure. —“ Pat,” said the squire, “I want you to go to the railway station and find out what time the next train leaves for London.” “Yes, sorr.” After an absence of two hours he returned. “Good gracious!” exclaimed the squire. “What a time you’ve been.” “Well, ye see, yer honour,” replied Pat. “I had to wait. I couldn’t trust them station fellows, they’d say anything; so I stuck tight and seed the train start with me own eyes.”