A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume I, Issue 122, 13 August 1927, Page 25

A JEST OR TWO

i^jfmmim^iirHmiiH!i»iiiiii::iiiiiiiii?iiii:iiiHii)!iiii>iiriHii Almost. —“Say, that fellow over there looks just like your brother.” “Sure, he is my Counter Shopping.— Judge: Guilty or not guilty ? . _ Female Prisoner: Lr —what else have yt> u? * * * Ancient Retainer: “Tour maid seems to be rather familiar with you.” “Yes, I put up with that from old servants; just think, she has been with us for irnore than a month.”

Whoa!—The Accused: “I was not going forty miLes an hour — not twenty —not even ten —in fact, when the officer came up I was almost at a standstill.” The Judge: “I must stop this or you will be backing into something.. Forty shillings.” * * * Ask Him Another: “Hello, is that the pawnbroker's?” “Yes, sir.” “What time is it. please ?” “I am not here totel? you the time.” “But. sir, it’s you who have got my watch.” Must Have Company. —Auntie: “Do you ever play with bad little boys, Willie?” Willie: “Yes, Auntie.” Auntie: “Tin surprised. Why don’t you play with good little boys?” Willie: "Their mothers won’t let me.”

Pledge of Affection. —He: “Still love me?” She: “Yes.” He: “Very much?” She: “Bushels.” He: “Then, saylionev, couldn't I keep three shillings out of my salary this week?” Broken China. —“ The two Chinese armies have just fought another battle.” “Was anybody hurt?” * * * What Price Zyzzle? —“What were Webster’s last words?” “Zymosis, zymotic, zymurgy.” ** , * When Time Almost Flies.—"l have had Ho many troubles, my dear, that this year I grown six months older.” * * * Arabian Nights. —Husband (arriving home late): “Can’t you guess where I’ve been?” Wife: "I can; but tell your story.” * * * Sweet Compensation. —“ Mrs. Svens|on is such a lucky woman; she has been left a widow twice and both times there has been a mourning sale at the stores.” Tintinnabulary Choru3. —She: “Don’t you think their wedding presents made a striking display?” He: “They certainly would have if . the eleven parlour clocks had all been Pricfe of Possession. —“ Cook tells me you want to go out to-night, Mary. Is it urgent?” “No, mum; it’s mine.” Cheerful Bystander. —Badly Bruised Boxer: “I can’t ’ardlv see ’im. now.” I Second: “Never mind—’it *lm from memory-.” | Fido! Fido! —Hobo: “Lady, I don’t know where my next meal is coming from.” Woman of the House: “Well, this is no information bureau.”

Sorry He Spoke. —Actor: A horse, my kingdom for a horse. Voice from the Gallery: Will a jackass do? Actor: Sure. Come right down. * * * Fussy. —Wife: You loved me more when we were only engaged. Husband —Well, to tell the truth, my dear, I never cared for married women. * * Had Bridget’s Number. —Plumber: I’ve come to fix that old tub in the kitchen. , , Youngster: Mama, here s the doctor to see the cook. * * * More Cash, Less Clothes. —Wife: You don’t allow me half enough money for clothes.

Hub: If I did, you would still go around looking half-dressed.

In Again, Out Again. —Wife: “Was! Mrs. De Style in her new gown when I you saw her?” Husband: “Partly.” * * * Scapegoat. —Agatha: “Did Ella dare to find fault with her young daughter for arriving home with the milkman?” “Harriett: "No; she scolded the milkman for coming so late.” , * * * Hereditary Job. —First Burglar: Wife: “Wot’s yer little kid goin’ to be when he grows up?” Second Burgalr’s Wife: “Guess he’s goin’ to foller in the finger-prints of his old man.” * * * Pop’s Alibi. —Father: “If a boy of mine goes off to college and makes good, it’s because of heredity. If he runs wild, it’s because of environment. I believe in looking at every question from both sides.” * * * Well Hooked. —Father: Isn’t that young man rather fast? Daughter: Yes, but I don’t think he’ll get away. * * * Silver Digger. —Eenj r : He uses the touch system. Meeny: On the typewriter? Eeny: No, on his friends. Nautical Black Bottom. —Sea: I say, what makes your yacht jump so? Sick: Oh, the poor thing is on a tack. Nasty Crash. —“ Were you ever in a railroad disaster?” “Yes! Only once. It was in a tunnel—l kissed the wrong girl.” * * * Good Notion. —“l’m worried about my complexion. Look at my face I” “You ought to diet.” “That’s a thought. What colour should I use?”

Paradise for Prexys. —The story goes that several college presidents were discussing what they would do after they retired. What would they be fit for, was the question. “Well,” said one of them. “I don't know that I’d be fit for anything, but I know what I’d like to do. I’d like to be superintendent of an orphan asylum so I’d never get any letters from parents.” “X”ve a much better ambition,” exclaimed another. “I want to be warden of a penitentiary. The alumni never come back to visit.” * * * Trained Setters. —“ Where were you boys when I called for you to help me an hour ago?” asked Farmer Jones, at the supper table. “I was in the barn settin* a hen,” said one. “And I was in the loft settin’ a saw,” answered another. “I was in grandma’s room settin’ the clock,” came from the third boy. “I was up in the pantry settin’ a trap,” said the fourth. “You’re a fine set!” remarked the farmed. “And where were you?” he asked, turning to the youngest. “I was on the doorstep settin’ still!” was the reply. * * * Troublesome Surplus.. —Air. Spendix: “Any instalments due to-day?” Airs. Spendix: “No, dear, I think not.” Mr. Spendix: “Any payments due on the house, the radio, the furniture, the rugs or the books?” Airs. Spendix: “No.” Air. Spendix: “Then I have ten dollars we don’t need. What do you .say if we buy a new car?” In Peril: Pett Ridge tells of a junior clerk who approached the head of a firm which was doing none too well, with a view to a rise in salary. “Certainly not,” was the reply, “and let me warn you, young man, if you’re not jolly careful I’ll make you a partner!” ner was toiling around the links, wondering if the game was really worth while and vowing to his grizzled Scottish caddie that this would be his last round. “And what should 1 take now?” he asked a moment later, finding his ball in a terrible lie. O Death . . . —Director: You’ve got to quit laughing in the death scene. Actor: Well, with the salary I get, 1 can only greet death with joy. * * * Not So Profitable. —To a Jewish exService man an acquaintance remarked: “So you were in the Army, Ikey?” “Oh, I vas in the Army,” was the proud response. “Did you get a commission?” “No; only my vages!” iiiiiiiiiiiHiMmiiiiiiiinttiiimiMi»iiiiiimtfHmiiriUJtHiiniTrri

Taffy’s Leg of Beef, Etc. —We print j beloxv (if the unfortunate chap who I linotypes our stuff survives the ordeal) a few dishes from a Welsh menu: j Pysg. Asenan Yehgig a March ruddygl. j Saws Ilufen a Chwcwmerau Gwynbysg. Dry Ilian. Alorddwyd o Foehgig Efvog o Win. I Teisenau Ffrengig. Poten Pui. Glygenled Alefus. Po-ten la. Caws. Probably after the dinner has finished with “caws,” he begins to feel the j , effect. i

Not Possible. — Dentist —Did you hear the last Scotch story? Patient —I hope so. * * * Clear Conscience. —Judge: What did you do when you saw the deceased? The officer says you neither slowed down nor turned out. Defendant: I took all precautions, your Honour. £ blew my horn and cursed him. Budding Entomologist. Mother: Why is baby crying? Nurse (in next room): He wants — Mother: Well, give him what he wants. The baby bowls louder. Mother: Why didn’t you give him what he wanted? Nurse: I did. It was a bee! Some Mistake. —Hubby: Your cheque to the grocer came back with “no funds” on it. Wifie: That’s funny; 1 saw an ad. in the paper yesterday which said the bank had a surplus of over £3,000,000.