Passing Shots

Sun (Auckland), Volume 1, Issue 110, 30 July 1927, Page 25

Passing Shots

Under New Management—the bridegroom. * * * Definition of Rouge.—The pink of perfection. A fool and his money are soon married. * * ♦ When curves become circles a woman is no longer attractive. A pedestrian is a man whose wife l»as gone with the car. What has become of the oldfashioned girl who used to walk home from auto rides? * * * The Height of Optimism.—Writing a billet-doux on a postcard and marking it “Personal.” * * * Even great men are often inconsistent. Washington produced the “no entangling alliances” doctrine, and yet he got married. • • • There is enough nicotine in the average cigar to kill 32 rabbits. Fancy 32 rabbits smoking one cigar. * * * The greatest compliment y©n can pay a girl is to tell her you think she’d look adorable in a bathing suit. * * * Getting a giddy husband to mend his ways is just about as hard as getting a giddy wife to mend your clothes. The greatest pleasure in motion pictures is to see a woman with her mouth open and yet not to be able to hear her. When you’ve just met a girl it’s best to flatter her; when you know her better you can tell her the truth; when you’ve married her it’s best to flatter her.

Knew the Tribe.—Rustic (showing visitor over famous cottage): Three ’wndred years old this be, sur, very ’istorical, an’ never stick nor stone altered in all they years. Visitor: Must be the same landlord as mine. - * * * Flying Start.—George: These young widows have an advantage over you girls, because they know all about men. Marge: Yes; and because the only men that know anything about them are dead. Send a Letter.—Voice (on phone) “Hello Is this the lire department?” Lieutenant—“ Yes. What is it?” Voice —“How far is it to the nearest alarm box? My house is on lire and I want to turn in an alarm.” The Test.—“ Karl, is the man who just gave you a cigar a. friend of yours?” “I don’t know; I haven’t lit the cigar yet.” * * * Golden Opportunity.—“By the way, I met Dupont. His wife is very hoarse and can’t sing.” “Oh, what about inviting them both to dinner to-night?**

Life’s Little Trials —“Pa, wliat’s the difference between a hill and a pill ?” “I don’t know, my son. unless it’s that a hill is high and a pill is round—is that it?” “Naw! I hill is hard to get up and a pill is hard to get down.” A “Handy” Man.—Tommy Turker had been anything but a model boy at school. An application of the cane was almost a daily occurrence. When he was about to leave school Tommy’s father called to have a chat with the head master. “You see, I hardly know what to put him to,” said Mr. Turker, “and I thought you might suggest something he seems specially fitted for.” The schoolmaster scratched his head for a few moments. “Well,” lie said at last, “I think he would make a splendid point-duty policeman. You see, he can hold his hand out better than any other boy in the school.”

Same Thing. —Client: I want you to draw* up my will, but I'm not sure just liow to dictate it. Lawyer: Oh, that will be quite all right. Just leave everything tc me. Client: Well, I suppose I might as well. You’ll get it in the end. His Crown. —The teacher was inculcating principles of morality and religion in the minds of her young charges, and she said: “Now*, children, if you do right always. you will each wear a gold crown some day. Just think of that!” “Yes,” said the pupil, “my father always does right, and he has a gold crown.” “He has?” asked the teacher.. “I know your father well, but I never saw him wearing a crown of gold.” “Oh, no,” was the answer; “he doesn’t wear it on his head —he carries it in his pocket-book.” “And my fader,” said little Susanna Riclistein, “he has a gold crown—but he vears it on his tooth!” All the Difference. —White, who was small and puny, had offended Brown, who was tall and powerful. In consequence, Brown declared he would thrash White whenever he met him. One day ill-fortune threw them together, and true to his promise, the big man gave White a blow r on the face that almost knocked him down. Recovering himself, the victim exclaimed: “Confound it! Do you mean that in jest or earnest?” “In earnest,” replied the other, adopting a fighting attitude. “Oh. very well,” said White. “If it’s in earnest there’s nothing more to be said, but if it had been in jest I shouldn’t have liked it at all.”

FAINT HEART . . . Better to have tried and missed, Than leave a pretty girl unkissed! A Freak.—Hop: I’ll guarantee I’ve got the lunniest second-hand car you ever saw. Prom: Don’t doubt it, but then, why? Hop: It runs. Economy.—Roddy had attended a performance by a famous illusionist. The illusionist, during one part of his performance, put a woman in a cabinet, closed the doors, locked them, and then, after a few seconds’ pause, opened them again. The woman had disappeared, and in her place was a parrot! Immediately after the performance Roddy asked the illusionist: “Mon, could ye do that trick if ma wife was put in your box?” The illusionist laughed. “So you want to get rid of your wife, do you?” “Well,” said Roddy, “it’s not so much that, ye ken, but I promised the bairn a parrot for his birthday.” Words Failed.—An old carter in a Scottish village had a rare fund of eloquence. One day Jamie was driving a cart loaded with sand up a steep hill, when some mischievous boys, seeing, their opportunity, knocked the tailboard out of the cart, and then, taking a short cut, reached the top of the hill to hear what Jamie would say when he arrived there. When the cart got to the top Jamie drew rein, filled his pipe, and then sauntered round to .see that everything was in order. When he got to the back, and saw what had taken place, his eyes passed from the empty cart to the expectant children. “Ruh awa’ hame, laddies,” he said. “Run awa’ hame. I’m no equal to the occasion.” To Be Exact.—The witness had been cautioned to give more precise answers. “We don’t want your opinion of the question,” the judge told him; i“we want it answered —that’s all. “You drive a waggon ?” asked the prosecuting counsel. “No, sir, I do not,” was the decided reply. “Why, sir, did you not tell my learned friend bnt a moment ago that you did?” “No, sir, I did not.” “Now, I put it to you, my man, on your oath —do you drive a waggon?” “No, sir.” “Then what is your occupation?” asked the learned counsel in desperation. “I drive a horse,” was the reply.