A JEST OR TWO !

Sun (Auckland), Volume 1, Issue 104, 23 July 1927, Page 25

A JEST OR TWO !

Cheerio! —Employer: Well, I hope vou will enjoy your holidays, Simpson. By* the way, I shall probably have something rather serious to say to you 0 n your return. Not in the Gazetteer. —'‘Where is Atoms?” “Atoms? —you mean Athens, don’t you?” “No —Atoms, the place jrjiere «verything is blown to.” Important. —Young Wife, to husband. oB the eve of the first anniversary of jkeir wedding: What is to-morrow, dear? Husband: Let me see—oh, Tuesday; don’t let me forget to put #a t the rubbish tin. That Last Word.—Husband: If you hadn’t taken so long to get ready we Souldn't have missed that train. Wife: Ves. and if you hadn’t hurried me we should not have had so long to wait for the next one. * * * Not Appreciated.—Mother: Why were you whipped at school to-day, Sammy? Sammy: ’Cos teacher told us to write an essay on the “Result of Laziness,” and I sent up a blank sheet of paper. Wig*Wagging. —Most of the family were at the parlour window watching the king and queen ride by. Suddenly the mother turned to her daughter. •Where's your auntie?” “Up-stairs,” came the reply, “waving her hair.” “Mercy/ * exclaimed the- mother, “can’t we afford a flag?” * * * Too Much Competition. —“ Not married yet?” “No.” “I thought you had serious intentions in a certain direction?” “I did have, but the evening I went to propose to her, before I got a chance, she told me she loved Browning. and Kipling, and Shelley; now, what chance did I have with a girl who was in love with three other fellows?” * * * A Wise Precaution. —Five-year-old Vonette was relating how she had ridden on the wooden horses at the village fair. “And did they strap you on so that you wouldn’t fall off?” asked her mother. “Strap me? Oh, no!” replied Vonette, indignantly. “They tied the horse to me so that he couldn’t run away.” # Faith Rewarded. —“Do you believe in autosuggestion?” “Is that the system where you keep on repeating ‘Every day I get better and better,’ and you set well if you’re poorly?” “That’s it” “Well, I believe in it; every day for the last three months I’ve said to myself ‘Some day I’ll get a summons for not having a wireless licence,’ and sure enough it came yesterday.” * * * Nerve! —A young man in the “early door” rush struggled to a front gallery seat. A ra«ui sitting behind touched him on the imoulder. “Excuse me. sir,” he said, “my wife is almost deaf. Could you make room for her?” The other made room and suffered some discomfort, but reflected that it was in a good cause. It was not long before the man himself squeezed in beside his wife. The obliging theatregoer suffered agony. Later on the man who had pushed in yelled at something on the stage. •That’s a good joke, Annie!” he said, loudly. "Don’t you shout at me,” expostulated his wife. ‘ Anyone would think I was deaf.”

Tested and Labelled. —“How old are you?” inquired the visitor of his host s little son.

That, is a difficult question,” answered the young man. removing his spectacles and wiping them reflectively. "The latest person?! survey available shows my psychological age to be 12, my moral age 4, my anatomical age and my physiological age 6. I suppose, however, that you refer to my chronological age, which is 8. That is so oldfashioned that I seldom think of it any more.”

* * * Easy Range.— An immigrant was making his way across the Wild West in search of a man to whom he had a letter of introduction. He came across a cowboy sitting by the side of a track, and asked him if he could tell him where to find the man for whom he was looking. “Does Big Joe live near here?” said the immigrant. "Nope,” said the cowboy. “Well, where can I find his neighbour, Long Sam?”

“I’m Long Sam, said the cowboy. “But they told me,” said the immigrant, “that Big Joe tived within gunshot of you ” . “That’s right.” said the cowboy, “he did.”

Timely Alibi.—A reviewer says Loose belt’s humour was not typically American, if exaggeration is the American ope of humour. It was not English, either, if understatement is the Eng.h type, it consisted largely in whimsrcaliy stating a thing so evidently true uiat it left the other fellow without a Comeback. Chief Justice Taft recalled Roosevelt invited Elihu Root to a nlte House luncheon. As Root began framing an excuse, the President agreeoiy said: “I understand you, Elihua; "hat you mean is that you will come J have no subsequent engage-

To the Daisies.— The optimist believes that something is sure to trun up; so does the pessimist—his toes . . . Kindness to Worms.—“So you are using balloon tires now.” “Yes; they are easier on the pedestrians.” For They’re All Sweeties.—“ Last night Jack told me I looked sweet enough to eat.” “Yes, Jack is found of plain food.” The Old-Fashioned Way.—“ How did you come into this country?” “By air.” “Flying machine?” “No, stork.” Evolution.—Old Gerttleman: Am I headed right for the mopkey cage, my boy? Bright Boy: Yes sir; but you’d stand a better chance if you had a tail.

Whale of a Difference. —The supervisor of a western railroad received the following note from one of his track foremen: “I am sending in the accident report on Casey’s foot when he struck it with the spike maul. Now, under ‘Remarks,’ do you want mine or do you want Casey’s?” * * * Weakened on the Way.—The vicar considered himself a very good preacher, and was always ready to hear people’s opinions of his sermons. Meeting an old parishioner, he asked: “Well, Mr. Snooks, and how did you like my sermon yesterday?” “Ye see, parson,” was the reply, "I haven’t a fair chance with them sermons of yours. I’m an old man now, and by the time I manage to get to the church all the front seats are taken and I have to sit at the back. There’s old Mrs. Smith an’ Mrs. O’Callagher’s daughters an’ Bert Snow an’ all the rest of ’em sittin’ in front o’ me wid their mouths open a-sw&llering all the best parts of your sermon, an’ what gets clown to me is purty poor stuff, parson, purty poor stuff.”

Her Secret. —It was not the shilling entrance fee which he had paid to enter the palmist’s tent that caused the doleful expression on Fergus’s 1 “Man,” he said to his friend, “that wumman in there telt me that ma wife’s second husband was to be very handsome and clever.” “But,” replied the other, ‘ye re no needin’ tae worry aboot that, ye ken. It’ll be all the same when ye’re deid an’ awa’.” , . _ _ “Oh ve’re a fule!” exclaimed Fergus. “It’s no’ that. What’s makin’ me sae sad is to ken that Maisie was mairrit afore an’ never telt me IJ Safety First. —He was a Scotsman taking an evening walk in the London district, and wondering at the same time how he could make a little easy m 'suddenly he espied a man leaning over a gate, and made in his direction. ■ Ho w do ye do?" he said coidially. “Verra weel.” returned the other. "Och a briber Scot! Gie me your hand! "And where do ye come free? "The Cowcaddens,” answered the St " Then gie me yer twa hands!, insisted the man from Aberdeen.

Psychological Sport.—“ Why are you scratching yourself, Doris?” “’Cos I’m the only one that knows where I itch.” Hedge-clipping.—The Soviet has now forbidden the importation of safetyrazor blades into Russia. We hear that an enterprising British firm has sent a shipload of garden shears instead. Always Wagging.—“ Some people,” said Mrs. Knagg, “have eyes and see not, ears and hear not.” “But never tongues and talk not,” growled her husband. Ha! Ha!—His blazer was certainly a monstrous affair in bold green and red stripes with a piping of yellow braid. “My dear boy,” said one of the girls, “I could tell you a few things about that dreadful blazer that I don’t - like.” “I don’t mind,” answered the youth nonchalantly, “just blazerway!” * * * Daredevil Stunt. —Editor-in-Chief— “We’re all ready for the big SashWaite trial now. Professor Jungfreud will write of it from a psychological standpoint, and in addition we’re sending a minister, a Congressman, two playwrights, and three novelists. But I wish we could do something original, something different from what the other papers are doing. Have you any suggestions?” City Reporter—“ Well, you might try sending a reporter.” A Heavy Hint.—The hour was late. All was hushed and dark. Suddenly the stillness was broken by a crash from upstairs. “G - g - g - good Heavens, what was that, d-d-darling?” exclaimed the timid young man. “Merely father dropping a hint,” replied the girl, quite unalarmed.

On The Air. —No one knows the anguish a heart-broken woman suffers. That is, no one outside of hearing distance.

Full Speed.—Rastus was asked what regiment he would join if another war occurred, and it was suggested that probably he would like the cavalry. “No,” said Rastus, “when they sound the ‘Retreat,’ I don’t want to be hampered by no horse.” * * * Undismayed.—The departing guest had been given his bill, and shortly afterwards the manager said to the head waiter: “You gave the man in Room 29 his bill, didn’t you?” “Yes, sir,” was the reply. “I didn’t forget to charge for anything, did I?” inquired the manager. “Not that I know of,” answered the waiter. “Strange, very strange,” muttered the other; “I can still hear him whistling.” Sold!—The profiteer went to a fashionable artist to have his portrait painted. The fee was pretty stiff, and the likeness too true to be flattei'ing. Not very pleased, the sitter demurred at the price. “Well, you need not pay for it unless you want it,” said the artist. “Then you’ll have it on your hands. How can you sell it if I refuse to have it?” “As easily as I can paint a tail on it,” said the artist, in a tone which brought out the cheque-book like a flash of lightning. A Saving Soul.—Accidents, unfortunately, will happen, even to the best of men, and James Robertson had to have his leg off as a result of one. But even so he bore up cheerfully, and never once grumbled during the first days after the operation. Instead, he had a sudden brain-wave, lie called his wife and asked her to take a note to the advertisement manager of the local paper. On the following day there appeared the announcement: “A Scottish gentleman who has lost his left leg would like to meet another who has lost his right and who wears a ten boot.” Not For Him.—The minister had just married an elderly and rather dour Scot to a woman considerably younger than himself, and after the ceremony he remarked affably to the bridegroom : “Well, Jock, I suppose you’ll be going for a honeymoon now?” “Honeymoon?” echoed the other. “What’s that?” “Oh, you know!” laughed the clergyman. "A little trip somewhere together before you settle down to married life.” The bridegroom shook his head morosely. “Na, na!” he said. “I dinna hold wi’ gallivantin’ aboot wi’ a strange wumman.”

Why Spoil It?—Mrs. A: Don't you wish we could be neighbours to each other? Mrs. B: It’s so much nicer to be friends! Getting Even.—Now comes the story of the absent-minded professor who rolled under the dresser and waited for his collar button to find him. Calling Papa’s Bluff.—Old Man—- “ Are you sure you can give my daughter the luxuries to which she is accustomed?” z Suitor —“I ought to; I’m the one who accustomed her to them.” Mental Science.— Wife—“lt is possible to cut some people by ignoring them completely.” Husband —“That is so, and I wish 1 could cut the lawn that way.” Dog Fight.—“l can read a book and still listen to the radio music,” said Miss Cayenne. “Isn’t it confusing?” “No. Each helps to take my mind off the other.” Trouble For Pa. —“You’ve got an awfully big mouth, haven’t you, ma” “Why, no, dear, I don’t think so: why do you ask?” “ ’Cause I heard pa telling nurse last night that you swallowed everything.” No Spectator.—They were newly wedded and not in the best of circumstances. Said he, “if things don’t go better with us, darling, I suppose your father won’t see us starve.” “No, poor dear,” replied the young wife, “his eyesight gets worse every day.” Cautious Sanitarian.—Tommy, who had no great love for soap and water, was observed by his mother washing the forefinger of his right hand. “What’s the idea o* washing only one finger?” she inquired. “The boy next door has asked me to come over and feel his baby sister’s new tooth,” explained Tommy.

Cautious. —She: Oh, tell me that you love me. He: Certainly. But don’t ask me to write it. Tongue in His Cheek.—Fiancee—“Robert, mother askefd me to object to the use of the word ‘obey’ in the ceremony.” He—“ And what did you tell her?” Fiancee —“I said I’d let it stand. I told her you could take a joke as well as any man.” Casting His Lot With Dad. —Willie had been naughty and was being sent to bed by his mother without any supper. He was naturally aggrieved at the feminine sex, and tumbled into bed without saying his prayers. “Willie,” his mother demanded, “say your prayers.” “I won’t!” “Don’t you want to go to heaven?” “Nah, us men gotta stick together these days.” Hope Deferred.—The rich bachelor sighed and looked at the beautiful rich girl. Then he spoke: “Things are at sixes and sevens with me; I feel the great need for a woman in my homeone who could straighten out my tangled affairs and make life worth living again.” Her glance spoke an interest which approximated expectation. “Yes?” she queried softly. “Do you know of any good, able-bodied woman whom I could get to clean my house?” Knew Better.—A man who was always singing to himself was persuaded by his friends to take the thing up seriously. After much trouble they succeeded in persuading a concert manager to give him an audition. The manager listened to a song or two, and then said: “Yes, not bad, but I should like to hear an ‘h’ or two.” The man winked. “You can’t catch me that way, guv’nor,” said he, “I know there ain’t no ’igher note than ‘g’ ”. * * * Resource. —A college student rose from his table in a fashionable dining room and walked toward the door. He was passing the house detective at the entrance when a silver sugar bowl dropped from his bulging coat. The guest glanced calmly at the officer, then turned with an expression of polite annoyance toward the occupants of the room. “Ruffians!” he said. “Who threw that?” and he walked out Forgotten It All.—The inspector was paying his monthly visit to the village school. He examined the children in reading and general knowledge, as was his custom, and was very pleased with the answers he received. After the last question had been asked and answered satisfactorily he rose to his feet and, looking slowly round on the upturned faces, he remarked genially: “I wish I was a little boy at school again.” He allowed a few moments for this to sink and then added: “Do you know why I wish that?” For a moment or two there was silence and then a childish voice from the back of the room was heard to say: “ ’Cos you’ve forgot all you over knowed."