A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume 1, Issue 98, 16 July 1927, Page 25

A JEST OR TWO

Lady Be Good. —“No, John, I’m afraid I can’t marry you.” “Oh, Mary, just this once:’’ Unreasonable. —“What I can’t understand is that if the savage foe threw you overboard, bound hand and foot, you managed to stab the shark with a knife.” "Hey, listen, mister, what do you want, a sailor’s yarn, or an argument?” Placed Him. —“Mr. Scribluni, the author? Oh, I’m so happy to meet you. It was only last week, or maybe the week before, that I was reading an article by you about something or other in a magazine, or book, or perhaps 'it was a newspaper.” Evidently a Dachshund.— Young Woman: I want that dog shot at once. Policeman: I can’t shoot him here in this residence district. The bullet might go right through him and hit somebody. Young Woman: But couldn’t you shoot him lengthwise?

Such a Pity. —“ And they say the most terrible things about her—can any of them be true?” “I’m afraid not.” * * * So Fierce. —“lf I were you, Edwin, I’d call that bozo down in front of everybody. I’d tell him what I thought of him right to his face.” How can I? He’s not listed in the phone book the big crook.”

Mirth Dispeller. —“The paper says x unny cracked a smile yesterday.” “Whose face was it on?” Deadly Decoration. —“Radiator caps should be more artistic. The cap’s a prominent feature.” “Yes, it’s about the first thing that strikes you.”

Bargain Hunting. —“ This restaurant sure is cheap.” “How’s that?” “Why, I got coffee, doughnuts and an overcoat for 15 cents.” Logical Thinking. —Frater: “Isn’t that hair tonic in the green bottle?” Also: “No, that’s mucilage.” Frater: “I guess that’s why I can’t get my cap off!” Less Cry More Wool. —An advertisement for a lecture says he “speaks straight from the shoulder.” Too bad some of these talks can’t originate a little higher up.

Stimulating Dose. —We are advised to eat considerable fish in the spring to supply the iodine needed to prevent certain physical troubles. The followers of this advice may say: “Fate cannot harm me; iodined today.” Joker in the Deck. —“ Marie and I agreed that after we were married I should decide all major questions, and she would decide the minor ones.” “How has it worked out?” “We have been married three years, and I am grateful to say there have been no major questions.” So Sudden. —Johnny, ten years old, applied for a job as grocery boy for the summer. The grocer wanted a serious-minded youth, so he put Johnny to a little test. “Well, my boy, what would yo do with a million dollars?” lie asked. “Oh, gee, I don’t know—l wasn’t expecting so much at the start.”

Walking Testimony. —“ls your wife economical ?” “Very. Look at the clothes she makes me wear.” Poor Scenario. —“My objection to real life,” says the heroine of a Scots novel, “is that it isna true to the m6ving pictures.”

Office Etiquette. —“ You were speaking much too long on the phone just now, Miss Ponsonby.” “But it was a business call. Mr. Jones.” “Well, please don’t address any of our clients as ‘sweetkins’ in future.” At Its Face Value. —A newly-wed travelling man, while away on his first road trip after the “we do” act, thought he would be funny and sent her a cheque reading, one thousand hugs and kisses! A week later he received a letter reading: “Got your cheque yesterday, and the groceryman cashed it this morning! ”

PASSING SHOTS Where ignorance is bliss, ’tis folly to confess. The surest way to get rid of a man is to marry him. Some men marry to settle down. Others to settle up. Men no longer hide behind women’s skirts. Neither do women. Still, Ananias would have had his good points as a golf caddie. “It’s only a fool of a woman who likes to be flattered on her worst points.” A new shade of wool is known as grasshopper-green. Just the thing for spring jumpers. “Why is it that some people think you can never be satisfied with your own company?” The artist who makes most money with his brush is the hotel cloakroom attendant. Never ask a woman for anything. There are two better ways—either take it, or pretend you don’t want it. America invented the noiseless typewriter, but so far hasn’t produced a noiseless chewing-gum. When a man and his wife are of one mind, it’s not hard to guess which mind.

There is a club for bald men in New York. We presume the other men insisted upon it.

A man has invented a * machine which puts people to sleep. Our neighbour has a. gramophone too.

A farm labourer in the West has discovered liow to find a needle in a haystack. He sat on the haystack.

Skirt was once a common noun. Now it is an abbreviation, and wo have, even heard it referred to as an improper fraction. Large picture hats are to be worn by women this year. Bit by bit women seem to be losing all their manhood.

A man may not marry his grandmother. But while modern fashions continue he is very liable to marry somebody else’s by mistake. A New York judge has l-uled that a hearse is a pleasure vehicle. Some courts have a distorted idea of what constitutes a good time.

Let’s Hope So. — “l say, old man. wfcuit’U your clad do when he hears you’ve bought another new suit?” “Make allowances, old man, make allowances.”

Roman nails and safety-pins have been dug up in Kent. In spite of the almost universal toga fashion, it is surmised that some Romans had trousers and wives who neglected to sew on missing buttons. Owing to the fluctuation of the franc, the Frenchman doesn't know when his wages will lose half their value over the week-end. but the Englishman knows that his will disappear.

A New One. —Benedict: What excuse have you for not being married? Bachelor: I was born that way. Poor Daddy. —“ Dear, dear, you mustn’t play with dad’s razor, baby! Mother has a can of peaches to open.” Soft Answer. —She: AVhy do you lie to me? He: The truth isn’t good enough for you, my dear. Incorrigible. —“ Last night I landed Madrid,” said the angler, who had taken to wireless, “but you should have heard the stations that got away.” A Fan. —“l suppose you read Shakespeare?” “Oh, yes, I read all of his stuff as soon as it comes out.” * * An Expert. —Larkson: “I’m going up to the gaol. I want to talk with the bandit who took my car.” Parkson: “What’s the use?” Larkson: “Maybe he’ll tell me how he got fifty miles an hour out of her.”

Shell Shock. —A fine way to break your back in tile spring is to walk into the living-room in the dark and sit down where the davenport was yesterday. Warm! —“Tell me, Braggadocio, why is a seal never cold?” “Verily and forsooth, friend Punchinello, I know not.” “Oho, scum, because he is always between two flappers.” * * * No Cop.— T hear your cook has rather an amorous disposition.” “Yes. if she can’t scrape up a flirtation with the milkman she starts mashing the potatoes.” Early Doors Needed. —“ What!” cried the Mormon’s wife, “you say my husband is dying?” “I am afraid so,” replied the doctor. “Then my place is by his bedside until the end.” “Certainly,” said the doctor, “but I advise you to hurry, as all the best places are being rapidly taken.” Musical Value. —Choleric Business Man: “I don’t know what the modern youngsters are coming to. My wretched office boys persistently whistle while they work.” Second Ditto: “You’re fortunate. Mine just whistles!” Preventive Measures. —“Mumsie, is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?” “Yes, darling, quite true.” “That’s good, because I’m all right for a week!” * * * Handy Vegetables. —Helpful Young Housewife: “Dearest, we ought to sow some bubble-and-squeak seed. I’ve heard it’s one of the most economical vegetable dishes one can cook.” * * * Nightmare. — Beryl: “Basil, I dreamt about you last night.” Basil: “You did? You dear thing!” Beryl: ‘‘l’m not blaming you. Probably something I ate disagreed with me.”

He Fell, Too. —They sat on the sofa he and she, whiling the hours away in a happy manner peculiar to lovers. Finally he whispered in her ear: “You are like a peach.” The maiden hung her head demurely for a few minutes, while a warm blush spread over her fair young face. “I —I’d rather be a pair,” she answered tremulously. A long silence ensued, then, like a beautiful dream, the situation unfolded itself to the young man. The invitation cards are now out. c * * Ad Infinitum. —Patient (calling on family doctor): “Doctor, my son has scarlet fever, and the worst part about it is that he admits he got it from kissing the housemaid.” Doctor (soothingly): “Young people will do thoughtless things.” Patient: “But don’t you see, doctor, to be plain with you, I’ve kissed that girl myself.” Doctor: “By joce, that’s too bad.” Patient: “And to make matters worse, as I kissed my wife every morning and night. I’m afraid that she, too ” Doctor (wildly): “Good heavens, I will have it, tool”

Can't Be So.—" Don't try to tell me, deacon, dat sinners is going; to roast in flah forever. Dat ain’t good sense—why de human constitution couldn't stand it."

A Swell Affair.—" Did you enjoy yourself at the banquet last night, trouper?” "Immensely, I'm not hungry yet.”

Not the Reason.—" You don’t like my cake, dearest? Gracious! I must have left something out!” ‘‘l don’t think it’s that, darling; nothing you left out could make a cake taste like this one

Taking No Risks.—Magician: Will some kind gentleman lend me a silver dollar? Ike Goldstein: Can you put up any good collateral?

Trial, Nevertheless.—-Immediately after publishing the banns of marriage between two young couples at a certain church, the young curate announced that the next hymn would be: “Forgive Them, O my Father. They know not what they do!”

Needed Reproof.—Delah Katesen: Something must be done, dear: the moths are eating up my living room furniture. Her husband (absently): I’ll speak to them in the morning.’

Not Fatal. — “l guess you passed the physical examination all right, young man. Now', tell me, are both your parents living?” “No, doctor, my father’s, dead.” “Ah, what did he die of?” “I can’t remember, but I know it was nothing serious.” $ Irish Logic. —Country Policeman: “Have you a licence for driving a car?” Motorist: “Certainly. I’ve got it in my pocket-book.” “That’s all right. If ye’ve got it, I don’t need to look at it. But if ye didn’t have one, I’d have to see it.” Those Lordly Ruins. —After a six months’ trip in Europe, an American girl returned to her home in Boston. “Wal, Sadie,” a friend said to her, “I guess you had a swell time over in England. Did you see all the old ruins?” “I did,” replied Sadie, reminiscently, “and, what’s more, four of them proposed to me.” Put and Take. —Old Lady (breathlessly) : “Have you found my umbrella in that compartment? I’ve just left it there. So careless of me.” Porter! “ 'Taint ’ere, ma’am. You must ’ave left a particular careful person in with it.”

A I all Order. —“ Three lipsticks, please.” “ What size?” “ Three car rides and a house party.” * * * A Dog’s Life. —He: “Good gracious, your dog wags his tail up and down!” She: “Yes; you see he was brought up in a flat.” A Hopeful Soul. —“ That friend of yours is a good deal of a Utopian, isn’t he?” “ He’s worse than that. He’s an I-O-U-topian.”

VOWELS Ths shws wht th nglsh Ingdg wld b wtht thm.

HONEYED WORDS You never hear the bee complain, Nor hear it weep and wail; But if it wish it can unfold A very painful tail.