A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume 1, Issue 80, 25 June 1927, Page 25

A JEST OR TWO

, D.writing the Copybook.—Some t m good. and oll J ers make good.

I, t( , Snuff. —Him: “You look like Sensible girl, let’s get married.” * yer- "Nothing doing. I'm just as pens** as IJook.”^

Ju*t Reward. —Guest: * Waiter, there a fly in my ice cream! ” 13 Waiter: “Let him. freeze and teach bim a ies«o; ”

Family Keepsake. Teacher: ••Joseph, what are you going to give r little sister for a birthday preseDjoacph: “I dunno: last year I gave jjer the chicken-pox.”

Showing Results. —Teacher: “Surely •ou know* what the word ‘mirror’ means, Tommy. After you’ve washed, Shat do you look at to see if your face is clean?” * Tommy: “The towel, sir!

* * * Well *known Breed. —“ What are these ‘yesmen’ that I sometimes hear about?” writes a feminine inquirer. a ••yesmen, rrtadam, are fellows who hang around the man that nobody

Just Carried On. —“To what do you attribute your longevity?” inquired the young man. “To the fact,” replied the old man, conclusively, “that I never died.”

The Final Test. —Millicus: “They are really the most devoted lovers I ever “Yes; it seems a shame that they are going to get married and spoil it all.”

Traced to the Source. —Small Boy jn the Country; “No, mama, I won’t drink this milk. I will drink milk that comes from a waggon; but do you know where they got this milk? They pulled it out of a cow.”

Dead Give-Away.—“Did her father give the bride away.?” “I should say he did. He got rattled and said as he handed her over to the groom, ‘lt is more blessed to give than to receive.’ ”

And There He Was: “Poor old Miss Jlayden came near getting herself into trouble last night. She started, according to her usual habit, to look under her bed—” “Well?” “Well, her bed at the time happened to be an upper berth in a sleeping-car.”

Whole Darned Family: Critic (at private viewing of film) : “Really, that actor is too awful for words.” “That’s my son.” “Of course it must be the fault of the incredibly bad direction.” “The director is my husband.” “But lie couldn’t do anything, perhaps, with such a dull and amateurish scenario.” T wrote it.”

Time to Change the Subject: The respondent was being examined in lunacy proceedings. “Who was our first President?” asked his counsel. “Washington.” “Correct. Who was our second President?” “John Adams.” “Correct.” Then there was a pause. “He’s doing well,” whispered a friend ©f the lawyer. “Why don’t you keep on?” “I ain’t sure who was third President myself.”

Good Reason: A certain father noticed that his youthful son, who was studying arithmetic, seemed very restless. Getting impatient, the father broke out: “What on earth is the matter? Why don’t you sit still, wriggling about every minute?” “It’s all your fault,” murmured the boy. “My fault. Why?” •'Because I .asked you how much a billion was, a nd you said it was a thundering lot. The teacher asked me the same question to-day, and I said the same thing. That is why I can’t keep still.”

Beware of the Bride.—The business )f being a husband is becoming more md more precarious. The University >f Michigan now has a girls’ class in •ifle shooting.

Sa-'ety First.—“ Mama, may we go dowr. into the garden? They say there is a comet to be seen to-night.” “All right, go down, but don’t go too near it.”

Costly Medicine. —Cuthbert’s not so well lately, and from wot I can make out it’s going to cost a lot to get ’im better. You see, the doctor told me I’ve got to keep ’im in good spirits.

Treat ’Em Rough: “My dear,” said the host to his wife, on her finding him in the bedroom with a damp towel clasped to his head, “I can’t possibly stand those people any longer. I’ve got a splitting headache.” “But,” said his wife, “I can’t possibly ask. them to go hDme. They are our guests, remember.” “Certainly you can’t put them out,’ he agreed, “but don’t you think you could go and seat yourself at the piano.”

Getting Even. —Teacher: “Arid why did Methuselah live to such a ripe old age ?” island Child: “Oh. probably just to spi :e some poor girl who’d married him for his money.” * * * Flavour of Sanctity. —Little Helen (rejecting medicine): “I don’t want to take the nasty, bitter stuff.” Mother: “But how do you know it’s nasty and bitter? You haven’t tasted it.” Helen: “You said it would be good for me.” * * * Acrobatic Note. —“ You can’t move for ware if you use one foot continually kicking. ’ says an exchange. But doesn’t the old hymn admonish us to advance in the Christian life with ‘ One foot upon the solid rock, The other pointing to the sky.”

Down With Germs. —Visiting doctor: “Bow is it. Sambo, that you and your large family keep so healthy?” Sambo: “Well, suh, Ah tell you: we’ve done bought one of dose sanitary dr.nkin* cups, an’ we all drink outen it.”

Misunderstood. —Mistress (to charwoman): "Did you ever listen-in, Mrs. Murphy?” Mrs. Murphy: “No, that I never did, Mum. I’ve worked for a good many ladies In my time, but none of ’em ever caught me with my ear to the keyhole!”

No Late Special: The railway line was flooded on account of the heavy rainstorms, and the traveller was obliged to break his journey at a village. He made his way in the pouring rain to an inn, and said to the waiter there, “It is like the Deluge!” “The what?” “The Deluge. Haven’t you read about the Deluge—Noah and the Aik and Mount Ararat?” “No, sir,” said the waiter; “we have had no oauers here for three days.”-

Ask Grandma. —The limit of unanswerability in questionnaires is reached by a Denver paper, which asks, “How old is a flapper?” Greased the Wheels. —“ Can’t understand how you lost your case. Hope you kept nothing back from your lawyer?” “No—only my small change.” * * * Unfair Discrimination. —Helen: “It took Jack twenty-five lessons to teach me to swim.” Sybil: “The cad! He taught me in six!”

Her Only Chance.—“ Then you think I’ll never make an actress?” “Not unless you shoot somebody.”

Atchoo!—Customer: “Can you give me something to arrest the development of a cold?” Chemist: “Certainly; I cad recobbed this as a dudfailig rebedy.”

We Like It.—W.H.B. writes: “The prevalence of dyspepsia among the rich seems to point to the indigestible quality of dough.”

Send Photograph. —Auctioneering is my special line of business. Prices very reasonable. If I am out, arrange dates with my wife.

Silence Reigned.—“ Did you ever see a roomful of women perfectly silent?” “Yes, once. Someone had asked which of those present was the eldest?”

Courting a Breeze. —Dear Old Lady (to shop-walker)—“l want to buy one of those wireless fans I read so much about; my room gets so frightfully stuffy.

Offensively Robust. —Askins: “I understand your old aunt is very rich. Does she enjoy good health?” Ardrupp: “Enjoy it? She positively gloats over it.”

Uplift Item.—Mrs. X; “I do believe this is a bad shilling, John. Mr. X: Think so? Well, then, I guess we’d better drop it into the church box; perhaps good company will reform it.”

Daredevil’s T errors. —Interviewer: “Aren’t you sometimes frightened when you look down at the street below you?” Steeplejack: “Yes. Only yesterday I thought sure I was going to see a pedestrian get run over.”

A Sensible Request. —lt was William’s wedding morn, but unfortunately he overslept himself. When at last he awoke he dressed hurriedly and hastened to the station to find his train had gone, and there was not another for an hour. Frantically he hurried to the telegraph office, and wired to the bride: “Detained. Don’t marry till I come.”