A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume 1, Issue 68, 11 June 1927, Page 21 (Supplement)

A JEST OR TWO

Ready to Begin.—Peggy: "People say that a kiss speaks volumes.” Percy: "Then don’t you think it would be start a library?” No Room to Move.—“ Don’t you hate crowds?” "I should think I do. At the last football match I fainted and had to walk three miles before I could fall down” Lock. Stock and Barrel! —Ordnance Sergeant: “Thieves have broken into the arsenal, sir! ” Captain: “Anything stolen?” Ordnance Sergeant: “Completely rifled, sir.”

The Good Old Days.—Grandmother: “You really must get up earlier, Joan. Why, when I was your age. I used to see the sun rise every morning.” Joan (shocked): “Why, grandma, I’ve never stayed out so late as that!”

* • * Not Needed.—Wife: “The doctor said »t once that I needed a stimulant. Then he asked to see my tongue.” Husband: “Heavens! I hope he didn’t give you a stimulant for that, dear.” • * * Too Slow.—Teresa: “I don’t think I’ll jo rowing with you again.” Tom: “Why?” Teresa: “Because you do nothing but keep hugging the shore all the time.” A Mystery to Both.—Wife: “I’m sure 1 don’t know where little Bobby gets all his faults from. I’m sure it’s not from me.” Husband: “No, you’re right, dear. You haven’t lost any of yours.” * * * Enough for Two.—Auntie: “Why, Margery, you’ve eaten all your birthday chocolates.” Margery: “Well, you see, auntie. I’ve been imagining there was another little girl spending the day with me.” • * * First Time.—“ Mr. Fernall,” said the professor, addressing a class of students, "what three words are most used by your fellow students?” “I don’t know,” replied the freshman. “Quite right,” nodded the professor. “Sit down.” * * * Unfai r.—“ls that true that your daughter did not pass her examinations?” inquired the visitor. "Yes,” replied the fond mother indignantly. “Do you know, the examiners • sked her questions about things that happened years before she was born!** * • * Economy.—“ Dad, you remember you promised to give me a pound if I passed my examination this year, don’t you?” *aid the dutiful son. “Yes, my boy,” replied his indulgent father. “Well, dad, I have saved you that expense.”

Now You Know.— “Is there some place aboard where I can get a drink 7” asked the fair one. “Certainiy. miss,” said the helpful sailor, at the scuttlebutt, on the starboard side of the gun deck ’midships, just for ard of the dynamo hatch.” • • • Complete Disablement. “How madam,” demanded counsel for the defence in a compensation case, “can you prove that the thumb you lost in this accident was worth £1,000.” the thumb .'’ retorted plaintiff. under which I kept my husband." * * * Sheer Waste.— Mother (after reading telegram): "So your Aunt Jane won’t P® at) i e to come, after all. Tommy.” 800-hoo-hoo ” began Tommy. vVhy, what s the matter? I didn’t know you were so fond of Aunt Jane as all that.” “I’m not; but here I’ve bad to have my face washed and my hair brushed—all for nothing!” She Was Lucky.—“ When two people like the same thing their married life is bound to be happy,” sighed the sweet romantic girl. “Well, you and George ought to be nappy, then,” remarked the girl who had wanted George, but didn’t get him, T know you love him, and I notice he is very fond of himself.” • • * Sure-Fire Fiddle.— The dealer in antiques was showing an old viloin to a probable buyer. “Yes,’" he said. this is of great historical interest being the identical fiddle Nero played while Rome vvas burning.” “What! That is a myth,” gasped the customer. ‘Yes, it is,” came the ready reply, “and Myth’s name was on it, but it has got worn off.” • • • The Lottery.—“ Yes,” said William the coster, “it were superstition as made me marry my missus.” “How’s that?” inquired his friend. “Why, it were a toss up 'tween her an’ Mary Jane. One day aw were thinking which of ’em to have—[Mary Jane or Anna—when aw saw a cigar lyin’ on the ground. So aw picked it up, and blowed if it didn’t say on it ‘Ave Anna.’ So I had ’er!”

Sounded Good.—A friend met Paddy coming out of the police court. “Oi have been having the toime of me life,” said Paddy. “Oi don’t remember anything that happened.” “But, Paddy,” said his triend, “if you don’t remember what happened, how do you know you had the time of your life.” “Shure,” pointing to the court room, “Oi just heard a big policeman tellin’ the magistrate all about it.” * * * Match* Points.—The gardener was cutting up the turf of the tennis ground to make some flower beds. The young ladies came running from the house in great excitement. “Oh, Johnson," exclaimed the elder girl, “whatever are you doing? You’ve completely spoiled our tennis lawn.” “Master’s orders, Miss,” replied the gardener. “He says he’ll have it laid out for ’orticulture. not for ’usbandry.” A Sooth-Sayer.—The rector was having a walk round the baby show'. “So this fine little baby is a girl?” he beamed, and the proud father assented. “And the other one ,” and he turned again to the father, “is it of the contrary sex?” His wife’s eye was upon him, but with no thought of the future and the wrath it might bring, the father replied blithely: “Yes, sir, she is a girl, too.” * * * Too Good To Be True.—Mr. Bairns was wheeling a perambulator to and fro in front of his house. He looked hot, but contented . “My dear,” came a voice from an upper window of the house. “Now, let me alone!” he cried.

“We’re all right.” An hour later the same voice, in earnest, pleading tone, said: “Bert, dear!” “Well, what do you want?' he responded. “Anything wrong in the house?’ “No, dear, but you have been wheeling the doll all the afternoon. Isn’t it time for the baby to have a turn?”

A Moving Story!—“Sorry, old man,” said the young father. “I can’t come out to-night—too busy moving.” “Oh! Where?” “Moving everything out of baby’s reach—he’s just beginning to crawl!” * * * Explained.—A man, unaccustomed to praising his wife, went out of his way to call her an angel. “Mary,” he said one morning, “you are an angel,” and she felt charmed all day. In the evening she ventured to ask why she had been so honoured. “Well,” said the wily one, “in the first place you are always flitting about; secondly, you are always harping on things; and thirdly, by your own account, you have nothing to wear!” • * * Work First.—Farmer Watson, known for his firm treatment of his labourers, accidentally slipped into a deep claypit, and could not get out. His cries attracted his wife, who ran to the edge of the pit and looked down. “I’ll fetch the men and get them to pull you out!” she cried. “What time is it?” demanded the farmer. “Eleven o'clock,” replied the wife. “Then let them work on till twelve,” growled the farmer. “I'll swim ro.und for an hour.” A Plain Warning.— “There’s something about your daughter,” Mr. Staylate said reflectively, “that—er—l ” “Yes,” said her suffering parent, “there is. I have noticed it myself. It comes every evening at eight o’clock and it doesn’t go away till twelve o’clock; and some of these nights I am going to lift it all the way from the front parlour to the side gate, and see what there is in it.” His Phil osophy.—“How dare you throw stones at my little dog, you great big coward!” shrieked the ancient spinster to a coalman in the street. “The brute bit me, that’s why,” retorted that worthy. “How many times?” inquired the owner, fondling her pet. “Once, and that’s enough, ain’t it?” “Yes—but I saw you throw at him twice, you ruffian,” exclaimed the other, her temper rising. “Ah,” grinned the coalman, as he picked up another knob, “once bitten, twice shy, you know.” An Alternative.—They were dear little girls, and she was a kind old lady. She inquired their ages. “Cissie and I will be seven on the fifth of June,” replied one of them. “Oh, then you are twins.” “No, we’re not.” “But,” persisted the lady, “if you are both seven years old on the same day, you must be twins.” “But we’re not,” insisted the child. “There’s another of us—we’re triplets.”

He Had “Something Coming” Though. Magistrate (to youthful prisoner): ‘When \?ere you born?” No reply. Magistrate: "Did you hear what I said? When is your birthday?” Prisoner: "Wot do you care? You ain’t goin’ to give me nothink.” Keeping the Secret.—“ Young man, have you ever kissed my daughter?” demanded the angry father. "I really couldn’t say,” the young man stammered. “What! You can’t say?” “No; you see, I promised her I wouldn’t tell.” ♦ * * A Shock.—Judge (addressing prisoner at the bar): “What is your name?” ‘‘Sparks, sir,” replied the delinquent. “And your occupation?” pursued the judge. “Electrician, sir.” “Dry cell for a month,” snapped the judge. * * • Too Good To Be True.—-William (earnestly): “You do not doubt my love, surely?” Dora: “Not at all, William. But when you say that the day we are married will be the beginning of a life of happiness, love, and mutual solicitude, you—well, William, you lay it on a bit thick. You seem to forget that I am a widow.” • • • Two Were Enough.—“l hope there are no barking dogs in any of the adjoining flats.” “Oh, no, madam,” said the agent. "Nothing like that at all.” “Then I’ll take the place,” said the caller. “You see, I’ve got two dogs of my own that bark all day long, and I really couldn’t stand any more.” Aria da Capo Perhaps.—The musical comedy was on the eve of production and the orchestra had just rehearsed a selection for the fifth time. “Thank you, gentlemen,” said the composer, who was also the conductor; “at last you have given me a truly correct interpretation of my work.” “Gee!” whispered the man who played the bassoon, “that’s queer; I’ve got two pages to play yet.’

And Finally, Brethren.—A stranger entered a church in the middle of the sermon, and seated himself in the back pew. After a while he began to fidget. Leaning over, to the white-haired man at his side, he whispered: “Flow long has he been preaching?” “Thirty or forty years, I think,” the old man answered. “I don’t know exactly.” “I’ll stay then,” decided the stranger. “He must be nearly done.” * * * , Higher Mathematics.—The native genius of a Lancashire man had carried him to big success in business without much aid of education. He was asked to distribute the prizes at a school and made the usual speech of good counsel., “Now, boys,” he said, “always remember that education is a great thing. There’s nothing like education. Take arithmetic. Through education we learn that twice two make four, that twice six make twelve, that seven sevens make .... and then there’s geography.”

A World-Beater.—A young athlete wished to get married, but could not find a suitable house. One day, attracted by the advertised description of a nice villa, “situated a stone’s throw from the station.” he went in search of it in a suburb in the South of London. When he located the dwelling. he discovered it was almost two miles from the railway. “Look here,” he said to the house agent, “you might introduce me to the fellow who threw that stone, will you? That’s the kind of chap we want for the next Olympic Games.”