A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume 1, Issue 62, 4 June 1927, Page 26 (Supplement)

A JEST OR TWO

Understanding.—She: There are two men I really admire. lie: Who’s the other? And the Sailor Said.—Fair Young Thing (to sailor): Tell me, do they close the portholes when the tide rises? He Might Have Known.—He (half an hour late): Awfully sorry I'm late. She: Don’t be sarcastic: you know jolly well I’ve only just arrived. * * * Once Upon a Time. —Chambers: My wife and I have never quarrelled; what do you think of that? Clarke: Quite good now I’ll tell one. The Butcher’s Song.—“ Have you heard the 'Butcher Song'?” 'How does it go?” “Butcher arms around me. honey.” Then the Corpse Turned.—Coroner: You say he killed himself: what was the motive. Witness: I don’t know, sir: he just jumped in front of the train. Coroner: Aha, a loco motive. Heavy-weight Fiction, Please.—"l want a book,” said the girl. "Something light?” inquired the librarian. “Oh, no, that doesn’t matter: I’ve a young man waiting outside to carry it home.”

A N arrow Escape. —The editor of a paper was one of those who had no love of poetry—of the poetry, at least, that drifted to his desk. One day the editor received a poem entitled: “Why Do I Live?” He read it through with impatience, and then replied, by return of post: “Because you sent your poem instead of bringing it.” * * * Steps and Measures. —“l can’t understand why you stayed outside so long with such a wonderful dancer as Ralph.” ' “But he showed me some new steps, and we sat on them.” Candidly Speaking. —Young wife: There, dear, you didn’t think I could cook as well as that, did you? Young husband: Honestly, darling, I did —a dashed sight better, in fact. * * • Good Reason. —Mistress: “You were very late this morning, Jane.” Maid: “Well, mum, there’s no reason for me to get up so early now; I had a row with the milkman last night.”

PASSING SHOTS

We are none of us infallible —not even the youngest. # * * A woman always feels blue when she is green with envy. Of two evils, the small boy always chooses the one that makes the more noise. Most women do their level best to improve on Nature. Men are too vain. * * # Second thoughts are best, we are told. Then why make bigamy illegal? * * * Even the skilled mathematician is beaten when it comes to computing the age of a woman of thirty. * * * A disappointing thing about our neighbours’ children is the fact that they never turn out as bad as we expect. * * * What makes our modern poetry so interesting is guessing what it is supposed to mean. Never talk about yourself in company. That is always done quite satisfactorily after you have left. When a man begins: “What I am about to say will be said in kindness,” be means to make himself unpleasant. * * * If it’s true that the clothes of a well-dressed woman are hardly noticeable, most women are well-dressed these days. * * * In this age of buying on the instalment plan, it isn’t necessary for anyone to know just how poor anyone else is. * * * The nerviest man in the world is the chap who went around to the stage door after the show and tried to get back the pennies he threw at the actors.

A Strong Hint. —“ Can I get off tomorrow?” “You’ve been off a good deal lately.” “I want to get my eyes examined.” “Get a good job done. You’ll be looking for work soon.” * * * An Inspiring Sight. —Mrs. Newlyrich had just returned from the Continent, and related how fortunate they had been when coming by the Bay of Naples to see Mount Effluvius in corruption. * * =? Not Exactly. —First Knut: “Is it true that you proposed to Freda, and she rejected you ?” Second Ditto: “Not exactly rejected. She said that when she felt like making a fool of herself she’d let me know!” * * * The Modern Spirit. —Mother had come into little Joan’s bedroom to say good-night, and tuck up her daughter. “It’s cold, mummie,” said Joan, cuddling down into her bed. “Yes, dear, cover yourself up. An angel will look after you and keep you warm. Good-night, little one.” Joan did as she was told, then, after a second or two of reflection, she looked up at her mother again. “I suppose I couldn’t exchange my angel for a hot-water bottle?” she asked. * * * Worth Noting. —Bobby: “How did the Sphinx get the credit of being so wise, papa?” Mr. Morris: “By keeping her mouth shut for three thousand years.” Proof Of It.—-They were discussing psychical research, spiritualism, haunted houses, etc. “Do you believe that ghosts walk?” asked one ardent soul of an old gentleman. “Of couflfee, I do,” he replied; “there’s abundant proof of the fact —haven’t you ever heard the ‘Dead March’?” A Thrifty Fellow. —lt was past midnight when the doctor’s bell pealed violently. Shortly after the doctor opened the door; on the step stood a man in evening dress. “Can you come to Bellstead at once, doctor?” the visitor asked. “It’s about nine miles away.” The doctor nodded. He dressed quickly and got out his car, and together they sped off to their destination. Arrived in Bellstead, the man turned to the doctor. “What is your fee, sir?” he asked. “Half-a-guinea,” replied the medical man. somewhat surprised. “There it is, then,” said the other. “And jolly cheap, too. The garage man wanted thirty bob to drive me over. You see, I missed the last train.”

Worth of a Neck. —Three married men met over a jolly reunion dinner, and talked and wined until it was discovered that the hour was very late. Each, feeling remorseful, decided that he would return home and obey his wife’s first command, it being understood that if one failed to do so he would pay for the next dinner. The next week they met to retail their experiences. Said No. 1: “When I got home last week I was lucky enough to stumble against the old grandfather clock in the hall, and at once my wife shouted down to me. ‘That’s right, break the clock,’ so I took up a croquet mallet and jolly well did break the clock.” “That’s curious,” said No. 2. “I fell against the hat-stand, and mj T wife shouted, ‘That’s right, break the hat-stand,’ so, of course, I did.” “That’s funny,” said No. 3, “when 1 was creeping upstairs I was unlucky enough to slip back a few steps, and my wife called out, ‘That’s right, break your beastly neck,’ and so, well, the dinner’s on me.”

Birth Certificate Wanted. Mikr What did tiie boss say when vou him you sat tin all night with I baby? Jake: The darn fool asked me j what her name was. Unjust Taxation.—lltey (alter see ’ ing stupendous spectacle): Ginim | back my money. Female at win j Sow: Xo, sir. Ikey: Veil, gimme back the amusement tax. I'.A.W.: Whw Ikey: ’Cause I vasn't amused. * «* * There They Parted. —First in Lovei You have an ultra-violet beautv Second in Love: Oh, John, you’re so poetic; what do you mean? Turtledove: It’s invisible to the naked The Intrepid Hunter.—" Yes.” the great man. “many are the wonderful holidays I’ve spent abroad, and I've had a good many adventures, too While I was in America I hunted bear.” “Good heavens!” cried companion, "didn’t you get awful? - cold ?” * * * Qualifying Rounds. —The Bov; r>ia you like that cigar 1 gave you? p*r 500 bands of that brand you get gramophone. Uncle: If I smoked 500 of those cigars I think I should want a harp. * * * Behind the Times.— lllness kept Johnny away from the history class When he returned bis master said- “ You have a lot of work to make up Johnny; how long have you been absent?” Johnny: Since the French Revolution, sir.” Absent-minded. —Two young ladies hurriedly boarded a tram and began to strap-hang, feverishly clutching handbags and paraphernalia. Said one to the other: “Do hold this strap for me while I get some coppers out of my bag!” * * * A Country Trip. —Mrs. Tilden was visiting the employment agency. **i want a good cook for my countryhouse,” she said. The woman manager turned to her secretary. "Have we anyone here who would like to spend a day or two in the country?” she inquired. * * * Helping The Next.—Client: “Your fee is exorbitant. It didn't take you a day to do the -work.” Lawyer: “It is my regular fee. 1 am not charging you for time, but for the cost of my legal education.” Client: “Well, give me a receipt for the cost of your education, so that the next fellow won’t have to pay for it, too.”

Confuc-ian. —“Horrible tortures they used on the Orientals, weren’t they?” “Come, how?” “I’ve just been reading how they plastered up the chinks in the walls of the old forts.” A Higher Aim. —Teacher (to unusually bright student) —Abie, how much would 500 dollars at two per cent, amount to at the end of the year? No answer. “Don’t you know. Abie?” “Yes, but I’m not interested in two per cent.” * => The Difficulty. —She: “They say that his -wife's relations are impossible people. He doesn’t know what to do about them.” He: “I see, sort of doesn’t know whether to treat them as in-laws or out-laws.” * * * Precautions! —P.C. 49 (suspiciously): “Here my man, what are you climbing through that window for?" Mr. Henpeck (nervously): “It’s all right, constable, my wife has just cleaned the front door-step!” An 111-Qmen. —He was looking very sad and dejected as he came into the office one morning, and the other fellows chipped him. “What’s the matter, Jim? Your girl turned you down?” “Yes,” came the dismal reply. “Well, don’t take on so badly.” comforted Griggs. “A woman’s ‘no’ often means ‘yes,' you know.” “Quite probably.” came in even more mournful tones. “But this girl didn’t say no—she said ‘rats!’ ”

Coming Along Nicely. —Hiram had walked four miles over the mountain to call on his lady fair. For a time they sat silent on a bench by the side of her log cabin, but soon the moon, as moons do, had its effect and Hiram slid closer to her and patted her hand. “Mary,” he began, “y’know I got a clearin’ over thar and a team an f waggon an' some hawgs an’ cows, an I ’low to build me a house this fai an’ —” Here he was interrupted by Mary’s mother who had awakened- “ Mary,” she called In a loud voice, is that young man thar yit?” Back came the answer: “No, maw, but he’s gittin thar.” Hard Luck— The prisoner threw the magazine across the cell in dis^H st j "Nothing but continued ana am to be let out Tuesday.” And With Buttons.— Tailor measured customer for suit): how would you like the pockets, si Scot: “Weel —just a wee bit deea» cult to get at.”