Farm Terms for The Pessimist

Sun (Auckland), Volume 1, Issue 50, 21 May 1927, Page 20 (Supplement)

Farm Terms for The Pessimist

MANY A TRUE WORD LIFE IN SOUTH AFRICA He certainly may be an incurable pessimist who penned the following satire on South African farming conditions, still there is sufficient of the truth in them applied to New Zealand to appeal to the humorous side of readers of these columns. Though written by someone with more than a fragmentary knowledge of farming, they must not be taken, however, as a true indication of South African farm life. Settler. —A person suffering from a peculiar form of delusion who leaves his native land with its comfortable gift of an Old Age Pension, and comes to South Africa thinking he can make a lot of money by farming. Farm. —A conglomeration of stones, old iron, sand, snakes, pot clay, mud huts, odd bits of barbed wire, rotten wattlepoles, burr weed, cut worms, blue ticks, grass taggers, kafirs, and innumerable other evils_. Chiefly used as a burial ground for cattle and sheep. Another common name for it is “A splendid proposition.” Milk Cans. —Vessels used in factories as dumb-bells, footballs, sledge hammers, musical instruments. Branding. The process employed by a farmer when stray cattle and sheep are found on the farm of making them his own. Bar.—The place where last week’s, this week’s, and next week’s farming is done, and where all the latest information is obtained not about farming. Overdraft.—One of the bulwarks of the country. The disselboom of the farming industry. The source of all fairy tales. (See Bank Manager.)

Dipping Tank. —A large hole half filled with dirty water through which cattle are driven when the inspector is in the district. A few d_ead ticks are thrown into it to give an air of realism. An accepted cause for perjury, false swearing, perversion and prevarication. , Implements.—Playthings provided for kafirs. When an unbreakable implement is invented the kafir race will become extinct owing to race suicide through breaking their own hearts.

Mealies. —An ornamental plant grown by farmers to feed cut worms, top borers, neighbours’ cattle, stray kafirs, rats, fowls (see Farmer’s Wife) and weavils. The staple diet of farms after three years of farming. Bank Manager.—A sceptic, or “Doubting Thomas’' to' whom all farmers show the greatest politeness when they meet him, but about whom they strain their vocabulary behind his back. His sole work is to listen to fairy stories. (See Overdraft.) Cow. —A female bovine animal used chiefly to decorate a farm. An enthusiastic collector of ticks and has a voracious appetite if kept alive by copious inoculations. Has been known to produce milk and an occasional bull calf. Bull. —A cow’s husband. Work. —An abstract quantity. That which is supposed to be done. That which should be done. That which is not done. The chief topic of conversation between farmers when they meet on Saturdays and what . they spend their time thinking about all the rest of the week. Farmer’s Wife. —A female helpmeet. One who is under the impression that the farm is run solely to keep a few fowls alive, and to grow flowers for the sitting-room. One who employs all the farm labour on the kitchen garden. A fruitful source of rebates on the income tax. Farmer.—An incurable optimist. The source of the country’s income, and also of everyone in it but him-

Income Tax.—A trophy of the inicome. A full statement of a farmer's outgoing's, made out annually >on numerous sheets of paper. A retitrn giving the correct number of wivx:s, children, dependents, and life in.‘/urance policies. No postage stam,p is required, as the place for it is reserved for a complete statement of incomings.

Arable Lands. —That portion of a farm which is unsuitable for grazing, and which is used chiefly to eptereise oxen. A burial place for bojts and nuts, oil cans, and spanners. A place where /‘ten bags to the acre” will be grown next year. f Next Year.—One of th> chief reasons why farmers keep on farming. The good time coming which, like to-morrow, never comes. Auctioneer.—One who f*ells something to a farmer for £2 JO, and then selsl it for him for £5. A dispenser of marvellous bargains, splendid propositions, and grand opportunities. His chief occupation is teaching ladies to wink. Wool Pack. —A recer/tacle for cannon balls, millsto jes, old iron, burrweed, kraal manure, mjutton, and wool. Sometimes filled vvitTi hay and conspicuously marked by farmers who send a waggon load around the town when credit is bad. i