A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume 1, Issue 44, 14 May 1927, Page 22 (Supplement)

A JEST OR TWO

THE MODERN CHILD There was a wise child named Yvette, Who was all the school teachers’ pet; No flowers she brought To the ladies who taught, But a fancy cork-tipped cigarette.

All Explained.—“l got a hunch.” “Really, I thought you were just round-shouldered.” * * * Impossible.—“l’m going to marry a pretty girl and a good cook.” “You can’t. That’s bigamy.” * * >is Betrayed His Confidence.—His: “What do you mean by telling Dot I’m a fool?” Harry: “I’m sorry—l didn’t know it was a secret.” * * * Barbered Wealth.—“ Her rich uncle cut her off with practically nothing.” “Ah, a sort of bobbed heiress.” * * * Hard Labour.—“l wish every year had three hundred and sixty-five days of rest.” “Are you mad? Then we would have to work a day every fourth year.” Forced Growth.—Tommy: “Do fish grow very fast?” Terry: “I should say! Father caught one and it grows six inches every time he mentions it!” * * * Not Esthetic.—Cyril: “I wouldn’t send my stuff to ‘Happy Daize’ magazine.” Egbert: “Why not?” Cyril: “I don’t like the colour of their rejection slips.”

No Questions Asked.—“Ah, ha! I see my friend gave you a black eye.” “Why, you never saw the person who gave me that black eyq.” “Well, he’s my friend, anyhow.”

Family Likeness. Dabson: “He claims to be related to you and says he can prove it.” Dobson: “The man’s a fool.” Dabson: “That may be a mere coincidence.”

No Obstacle.—Theatre Manager: “1 really can’t use your play. It is too long for the stage.” Amateur Playwright: “But, I say—look here—that doesn’t matter. Can’t you lengthen the stage?”

The Fraud.—Brown (approaching friend in cafe) : “Having duck for dinner, eh? What kind?”

Brandon (working hard): “Decoy. I should say.”

Good Example.—“ Surely, Miranda, you’re not going to marry again when the; Lord just took Smith.” “Yes, I shuah am,” replied Miranda. “As long as the Lawd takes ’em, so will I.” * * *

Height of Monotony: “I have always maintained,” declared Charles, “that no two people on earth think alike.” “You’ll change your mind,” said his fiancee, “when you look over our wedding presents.”

Happy Contrast.—“l shall never marry,” Reginald declared, “until I meet a woman who is my direct opposite.”

“Well, Reggie,” said Mabel, “there are a number of intelligent girls in this neighbourhood.” Unsatisfactory.—Wife: “You seem disappointed with your parcel.” Husband: “Yes. 1 answered an advertisement for a device to keep down gas bills and the firm sent me a paperweight.”

Well Suited.—Employer: “Now that I have decided to give you the job J must tell you that the early hours are the rule in this establishment.” New Clerk: “That’s good. You can’t close too early for me.” * * * Why Discriminate?—Mrs. Newrich (looking over house plan): “What’s this thing here going to be?” Architect: “That is an Italian staircase.”

“Just a waste of money. We probably won’t ever have any Italians coming to see us.”

Success.—Teacher: “Why hasn’t your brother come to school?” Pupil: “He is in bfed. . . . he hurt himself yesterday we were both trying to see who could hang farthest over the balcony. . . . and he won.”

Warm Thoughts.—Brown: “Say, old man, it’s strange to see you going round in that light topcoat this chilly weather while your wife is wearing swell new furs.”

Black: “My dear chap, all I have to do is to think of those furs and immediately I start perspiring.” * * *

Changeable Age.—Papa had taken his little boy to the station to see the trains go past. The child watched the trains while his father talked to the station-master, till at last the latter said: “How old are you, sonny?” “Four,” said sonny loudly, “four, unless I go in the train to town with mummy. . . . then I’m three.”

An Empty Stocking.— A landlord received a communication from one of his new tenants requesting numerous household improvements, involving painting and decorating, plumbing and gasfitting, woodwork renewals, etc. The landlord ignored the letter, so the tenant called on him to learn the reason. “Oh, yes,” said the landlord. “I remember your letter quite well, but you put it in the wrong envelope—it was the one you intended to send to Santa Claus.”

Lacked the Loot’s Dignity.—lt is war time. Seeing a khaki-clad figure passing, the private called out: “Hey, Buddie, gimme a light.” The other obligingly held out a burning match. The doughboy, looking up to thank his “buddie,” discovered to his amazement the star of a brigadier. “I beg your pardon, sir,” he said: “I didn’t mean any disrespect. I didn’t notice you was a general.”

“That’s all right. Buddie,” said the General—who apparently was a regular “guy,”—“but you should thank God I wasn’t a second lieutenant.”

Mixed.—“My niece is quite theatrical,” remarked old Mrs. Blunderby. “Next week she is taking part in a Shakespeare play at college.” “Which of his plays is it?” her caller asked.

“.Edith mentioned the name of it, but I am not sure whether it’s ‘lf You Like It That Way’ or ‘Nothing Much Doing’.”

All the Difference.—“ How do you like my new hat?” asked the dainty damsel, almost as soon as she had met her fiance. “Oh, all right,” replied the fellow, “but the idea of paying big prices for—” “Big prices!” said the girl haughtily. “Why, I rhade it myself!” “Oh , indeed,” stammered the young fellow, “as I was saying, the idea of paying big' prices for such monstrosities as the milliners are showing! Now, your hat is a work of art—looks as if it came from Paris. It is simply beautiful, my dear.”

Alas!—Gwen: Edith doesn’t seem to make much of a success with her reducing. Margaret: NO, Edith is a poor loser.

Unkind!—Jock: Congratulate me! I have just thought of something really clever. John: H’m —beginner’s luck.

Many Are Still Free. —Daughter: Did you read, dad, they’ve just caught the biggest hotel thief in Brighton? Her Father: Oh! Which place did he run?

His Answer. —He: Darling, will you marry me? She: No, but I’ll always admirq you for your choice.

Why?—Eileen: My dear, Freda has got so nervy that she starts at her own shadow. Ethel: Well, do you wonder at that? Just think how fat she is getting.

* * * Free of Charge.—When the father went into the room, he found the handsome music-master kissing his daughter. “What do I see, sir?” he said with annoyance. “Is this what I pay you for?” “NO, sir,” answered the young man quite casually. “I do this free of charge.”

When the Pinch Comes.—She: Most men never think seriously of saving a fortune until they're married. He: Perhaps they only realise then how badly they need one.

Oft-told Tales.—Her husband, as wife departs for a rest-cure in the country: Will you take some fiction to read? His wife: No. I’ll depend on your letters from home.

Excellent Bait.—lnsurance Agent: Why not take out a policy for £5,000 in favour of your wife? Victim: I haven’t a wife. Agent: You would get one pretty soon.

To the Rescue.—Doris: Oh, .dear, I’ve swallowed my liquid rouge:* what shall I do? Jack (to the rescue): Better eat a powder puff.

The Simpler Minds.—Daughter: “Hullo, Daddy, dear; have you read that book I gave you for Christmas?” Father: “No, my dear—your mother’s reading it just to see if it’s fit for me to read!” * * * Wireless Telegraphy.—First Barber: “Nasty cut you’ve given the old gent, Bill?” Second Barber: “Yes. I’m courtin’ his housemaid. That’s to let ’er know I can see ’er Tuesday night!” * * * Made to Order.—New Maid: “The registry office has sent me here.” Mrs. Suburb: “But I do all the work myself.” “Then the place will suit me exactly.” Trouble Brewing.—“My dear old chap, I am sorry for you,” exclaimed Wilfred, wringing his friend’s hand. “What do you mean?” exclaimed his friend. “I’m all right.” “I know that, but I bought my wife a new frock and she has gone round to show it to your wife.”

Woman—Woman! —He “All women without exception contradict.” She: “That’s not true.” Righto! —She: “What are the song’s of life?” He: “ ‘The Melody of Love,’ ‘Rock-a-by-Baby,* and the ‘Funeral March.’ ” That’s the Difference. —He: “It takes me nearly twenty minutes to dress in the morning.” She: “I can dress in ten.” He>- “Yes, but I wash.” Expensive Living. —He: “Darling, what did you do with those narcissus bulbs?” She: “Why, sweetheart, I am so sorry, but I thought they were onions, and you ate the last one yesterday.” Proof Positive. —Hill: “Do you expect to catch big fish with such a little hook?” Dale: “Why not*? My wife weighs twelve stone, and I caught her in my pocket one day.” Modern Youth.— -Bore: “The chief trouble with the youth of to-day is” — Youth (yawning): “That they were out all the night before.”

Faint Heart. —Guest at the wedding to bridegroom: “I say, old man, does anyone get a chance of kissing the bride?”

Bridegroom: “No, you coward, you’ve had your chance and missed it.”

Sociable! —-Employer, sternly: “There are two shillings missing from my desk, and only you and I have a key. What about it?”

Office Boy: “Well, sir, let’s pay a shilling each and say nothing about it.”

And That’s That. —Visitor: “Who is the responsible man in this firm?” Office Boy: “I don’t know who the responsible party is, but I am the one who always gets the blame.”

i ? i ? ? ~ Wife (to her absent-minded husband): “Ivan, do you know what day it is? It is 25 years ago to-dav since we became engaged.” Ivan: “Why didn’t you remind me before? It’s high time we were married.”

So Busy! —Fred: Did you have a busy time at the sewing- circle last mght, Jane? Jane: Oh, yes, we did until the girl we were ’talking about arrived.

Extreme Case. —Kind Lady: So. my good man, you are in straitened circumstances? Man Who Has Seen Better Days: Straightened? Madam, it I was twins I’d be parallel.

Ha! Ha! —Grey was lonesome; he was also rather simple. For the last few weeks things had brightened for him, though, because he had been spending his evenings at young Louie John’s. “1 wonder that you don t mary Louie,” one of his friends said to him one day. “Well, I have often thought about it,” 'answered Grey simply, “but where should I spend my evenings then?”

Mean Fellow. —Flora: I hear vou accepted Jim last night. Moira: Yes, Flora, but I made a terrible mistake, rlora: Mistake! What do you mean? Moira: Well, my dear, the minute 1 accepted him he stopped the taxi, paid the fare, and made me walk back with him.

His New Hat.—The office oov looked very glum. “Why, what’s the matter with you this morning Squibbs?” asked the lady typist’. “You’re looking' very downcast.” “Yes, miss,” said Squibbs, “I’ve got a new hat.” “Got a new hat!—but surely you should be pleased over that?” “Perhaps,” replied the boy, still very solemn, “but it isn’t very big, and it falls off when I laugh.”

Her Acceptance. —The suitor was bashful; he found it difficult to express words of affection for his lady love. So he thought he would express his love by a gift, and suddenly hit upon what he considered an ideal gift. “Ada,” he murmured one evening, “would you like a puppy?” But he was fully unprepared for the way she accepted the offer. “Oh, Bobbie, you are so humble, but I ccept you all the same.”

Presence of Mind. —The scandalmonger of the village had called, so Jones went off to his club. An hour and a half later he returned, and, poking his head round the drawingroom door, said: “That old cat’s gone, I suppose?” There was a stony silence, in which he encountered the gaze of the woman in question. Then his wife said sweetly: “Oh, yes, darling, I sent it to the cats’ home this morning in a basket,”