A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume 1, Issue 38, 7 May 1927, Page 22 (Supplement)

A JEST OR TWO

That Explains It. —“ls madness a ground for divorce?” “No, only for marriage.” Aye, Eye, Sir. —“ Didn’t I tell you to see that the motion was carried?” 'Well, I had my aye on it.” New Formula. —Jim (after dinner): “Have you a cigarette, old bean?” Joe: “No—let’s join the ladies’.” His Choice. —Butcher: “What part of beef do you want?” Boy (after deep thought): “The part you make nigger-minstrel clampers out of the bones.” From Scratch. —Stranger: “Tell me, have any big men ever been born in this city?” Native: “No, sir—only babies.” A Printer’s Prelude. —Fair Young Thing: “And so you work in the com-posing-room. Now, won’t you sing something you’ve composed?” With the Army. —Robert: “I see that Miss Catchum has joined the great majority.” Reggie: “What do you mean?” “She has married a fellow named Smith.” Cold Comfort. —Guest: “Waiter,there is a fly in my ice-cream!” Waiter: “Let him freeze and teach him a lesson.” Realistic. —Mother: “Children, aren’t you ashamed of yourselves, crawling about on all-fours in the mud like little pigs?” Kiddies’ Chorus: “But we are playing at being pigs, mother.”

Such a Gadabout. —Mistress (instructing new maid): “And remember, Mary, I am at home on the first Thursday of the month only I ” Maid (admiringly): “Lurame, mum! You gets out an’ about a bit, don’t you?”

Nasty Brute. —A neighbour of mine wanted to sell his dog. “Why?” I asked. “Because it’s fierce,” he told me confidentially. “Whenever my little boy opens its mouth and blows down it, it tries to bite him.”

Jubilant! —Old Scotswoman (giving her definition of the meaning of “jubilee”): “Weel, ye see, it’s like this; when ye’ve been marriet twenty-five years it’s a silver weddin’, an’ when ye’ve been marriet fifty years it’s a golden weddin’; an’ when yer ’usband dees, it’s a jubilee!” \

Correct. —Teacher: “Robert, here is an example in subtraction. Seven boys went down to the creek to bathe, but two of them had been told not to go in the water. Now. can you inform me how many went in?” Robert: “Y'es’m; seven.”

Dry Art. —Art Critic: “What do you think of the Museum of Art?” Friend: “Oh, the pictures are good enough, but there ain’t no jokes under them.”

“While there’s life !”—First Actress (cuttingly): “ I wonder, dear, if I shall lose my looks, too, when I reach your age?” Second Actress (equally cuttingly): “Well, dear, perhaps you may. You never know your luck. Let's hope so, anyway.”

Hardly Possible. —Jones: “I see a new play opened last night with a male chorus of Scotsmen in kilties who came on the stage throwing pennies into the audience!” Bones: “Is that so? What’s the name of it??” Jones: "The Miracle”!

Movable, not Stationery. Two friends were returning home after a festive night. “Oh, by gosh,” muttered one suddenly, “I’ve abshloutely forgotten to get notepaper for ray missus. She told me to be shertain to call at a stationery shop on the way home.” “Well.” replied his friend judicially, “theresh not a stationary shop in this street, ole boy; the whole bally lot are on the move.”

He Told the Truth. —A cinema actor was suing a film company for an immense sum for breach of contract. Upon being asked why he demanded such heavy damages, he answered: "Because I’m the greatest actor in the world.” Later, one of his friends took him to task for singing his own praises so loudly. “I know it must have sounded somewhat conceited,” he admitted, I was under oath, so what could I do !

No News to Norman. —Norman ran blithely up the steps and gave the bell a joyful tug. The- door was opened by the new maid who had never seen the young man before. “Is Miss Edith in?” asked the welltailored youth on the steps. "Yes, sir,” replied the girl. "But, I’m sorry, she's engaged.” “That’s right,” agreed Norman. “Absolutely right; and I’m what she’s engaged t t

Hopeless. —A man called on an optician to have his eyes tested. The optician took him into his consulting room and proceeded to put him through the usual tests. “Can you read that?” he asked, holding up a card. ■■No,” said the man. The optician brought it much nearer. “No,” said the man. Finally, the optician brought the card right under the man’s nose. "No,” said the client, “I can't read it. As a matter of fact, I never could read.”

PASSING SHOTS

It’s a wise man that has his afterthoughts first. * * * People who give themselves away are not always charitable. The secret of popularity is always to remember what to forget. The silent watches of the night are those we forget to wind. Silence may be golden, but a good deal of speech is brazen. * * * A young widow with a fortune is often fortunate if she remains a widow. * * * Many a man has become a gaolbird whilst endeavouring to feather his nest. Moths don’t seem to realise how much clothes cost. A girl doesn’t need gunpowder to make her looks go over with a bang. Three ills in the life of the modern flapper are thrills, frills and stills. You may freeze, but you can always squeeze. Don’t try to live a silk stocking life on a lisle thread income. Some people never give anything away except good advice. Never mind if you miss your last bus. You’ll catch it when you get home. A lady doctor <will get on all right if only she has the patients to wait. Money doesn’t make happiness, but the lack of it often causes misery. * * * If he calls you the light of his life, tell him to turn off the gjis. Don’t be domesticated. It’s such a “darn” bother. * * * When two boys want to fight over you tell them you’ll keep the ring if they give you the gloves.

Fare Play. —After a very long taxi ride a Scot handed the driver of the ancient chariot the legal fare and a threepenny bit as a tip. Phew! The taxi man glared at the coin, which did/not turn a hair. “ ’Ere,” said the offended fellow scornfully, “wot’s this?” “Mon, ye’re a sportsman,” beamed the fare; “I’ll say ‘tails.’ ”

Sad to Re-Late. —They took a long farewell, and being fond of them, took another. At last the time came, for the parting could be no longer delayed. Ab, it is a hard and cruel vrorlcL “Good-night, George,” she said. “Good-night, and meet me here at seven o’clock to-morrow night.” “All right, dear. What time will you be here ?”

Rank Bad Form.—lt was parade day of the local Special Constables. Everything was highly polished except the language of the sergeant in charge of the marshalling of the troops. But at last it was done, and he passed along the ranks at a distance, accompanied by the officer. “There’s a man who has such a long nose that lie spoils the look of the line,” said the officer. “Put him in the rear rank, sergeant.”

“Excuse me, sir, but he*s there now.”

Food For Thought. —He was a very busy man indeed, and more often than not he forgot about his lunch. This particular day, the day the new typist arrived, he remembered it early and in case he should forget all about it again decided to go out there and then. As he passed through the office lie addressed Miss Green, # the new typist: “What time are you going out to lunch, Miss Green?” “Oh, thanks awfylly, sir!” she answered. “But I have already got three lunch appointments between twelvethirty and three, so I shan’t be able to squeeze yours in. To-morrow, per-

How to be Happy. If you are a bachelor and wish to imagine for awhile that you are married, just try this: When you return from the office take out your notecase and throw two one-pound notes into the fire. Select a record for your gramophone with a feminine monologue on it. Play this through twenty-nine times. Sit up perfectly straight in your easy chair—don’t slouch down! Be careful not to get any cigarette ash on the carpet. Say to yourself: “The Browns are giving another of their confoundedly stupid parties row evening, and I’m expected to go.” Think of it until it spoils your present evening.

Now put on another gramophone record, entitled, “I Saw a Lovely Fur Coat To-day—only £50.” Play this four times. Don’t yawn, and if you do, hold your hand over your mouth.

If the record does not interest you put on one entitled, “I could have married Jimmy Fortescue, and now I’m sorry I didn’t.” (This record is accompanied by sobs.) « By this time you will probably have had enough of playing you are married, and be contented to become a comfortable, happy bachelor again.

Food For Thought. —Doctor: “Your husband’s not so well to-day, Mrs. Maloney. Is he sticking to the simple diet I prescribed?” Mrs. Maloney: “He is not, sorr. He says he’ll not be after starvin’ himself to death just for the sake of livin’ a few years longer.”

Plenty of Precedent.—Old Lady (at restaurant): “I see that tips are forbidden here.” Waiter: “Lor’ bless yer, mum. so was apples in the Garden of Eden:” Started Right. First Bride: “Weren’t you nervous when you asked him for money the first time?” Second Ditto: “No, I was calm —and collected!” Not the Dux.—Visitor: “I understand that your son is still at the University. What is he groins: to be when he takes his degree?” Father (groaning) : “An old, old man! ” The Cat.—lda: “It’s no sign because I am engaged to Jack that I’m going to marry him.” Iris: “No, dear, of course not. He may back out.” “Self Praise.—Muriel: “I hear you play in an orchestra.” Maurice: “Yes. Did they tell you I played the bass-viol?” “Yes—very.” Contagious.—Deedle: “I can’t keep my date to-night.” Doodle: ‘-What’s the trouble?” Deedle: “Well, if I kiss Rose, I’ll give her Marie’s cold.” Education Neglected.—“ Yes. my dear, I have lost Azor, my precious little dog.” “But you must put an advertisement in the papers.” “Oh. but the poor little pet can’t read!”

Politeness Pays.—Lawyer: “I advise you to send this man a polite note and see what happens.”

Client: “All right. How do you spell ‘blackguard’ ?”

Domestic Candour. He: “You haven’t a mind above a new hat.” Sh&: “And you haven’t any mind under yours.”

Needed a Professional.—New patient: “For weeks I’ve been fighting a terrible desire to kill myself, doctor.” Medico: “Tut tut!” “But I’ve decided that suicide is a sin; so I’ve come to you.”

No Profiteering.—Small Brother: “Ha, ha! I saw you kiss Sis!” Suitor (hurriedly) : “Er —ah —here’s sixpence! ” “And here’s threepence change, One price to all, that’s the way I do business.”

Spirited.—The inquisitive old lady was questioning the battered man about his appearance. “Just ’ad a light wiv the missus,” he explained. “Liquor? “No. She licked he, as usual.”

Much Too Soft.—Tenant: “Please don’t think me forward, but —but, isn’t the rent you are asking just a trifle excessive?” Landlord: “Dear me, yes, lam afraid it is. I feel utterly ashamed of myself for asking so much. What a pity it is that I am such a grasping hound!”

Much Buried Man.—The elderly couple were visiting the cemetery. The wife wandered ahead of her husband. On one tombstone she saw the words

“Tempus Fugit.” She remembered that the same words were on their old clock at home. “John,” she called to her husband, “here’s the grave of the man who made our clock.”

He Wasn’t Asked Again .—Jones was at a dinner party. He was shy and nervous and could never summon up courage to say anything neat. All the evening he had been trying to think of something nice to say to his hostess. At last he thought he saw his chance. “What a small appetite you have, Mr. Jones,” said his hostess, with a smile.

“To ssit next to you,” he replied, gallantly, “ would cause any man to lose his appetite.”

CalT Him John Doe. —Surgeon (to attendant) : “Go and get the name of the accident victim so that we can inform his mother.” Attendant (three minutes later) : “He says his mother knows him name.” That’s How Ft Was!—“Do you behave to your wife as you did before yon married her?” “Exactly. I remember just how I used to behave before I married her. I used to hang over the fence in front of her garden and gaze at her shadow on the blind, afraid to go in. And I behave in just the same way now when I get hom 4 e late.”

No Loss.—“ Mr. Chairman,” complained the speaker, 'stopping in his address, “I have been on my feet nearly ten minutes, but there is so much ribaldry and interruption I can hardly hear myself speak.” “Cheer up,” came a voice from the rear, “you aren’t missing much.” * * -* An Invitation.—Sitting in her boudoir, the pretty girl reached for the telephone, and asked the operator for a certain number.

“Is that you, Harry?” she asked demurely, as a masculine voice answered the call.

“Speaking,” he replied. “Isn’t that you, Muriel?” “Yes,” replied the maid, dimpling. “You remember I told you last night that on no acocunt would you be permitted to enter our house again?” “Shall I ever forget it?” replied Harry.

“Well, Harry, we have decided to move, and I thought that perhaps you might care to know our new address.”