A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume 1, Issue 32, 30 April 1927, Page 20 (Supplement)

A JEST OR TWO

Of Course. —Stranger (seeing a very long funeral procession passing) : "Who is the deceased? Bystander: "The one in the hearse.” Sign of Ability. —Mother: “I’m really afraid our son is lazy. He persuades his little sister to do all his work.” Father: “Lazy? That’s executive ability.” # Leg or Wing, Miss? —Joe: “Will you serve the chicken ?” Moe: “Sure. What will she have?” Put It on the Air. —“ Have you any ambition besides w’anting to look beau--1 tiful ?” “ Oh, yes—l want to be told I do.” And Garage. —lke: “Girls want a lot nowadays.” Mike: “Yes, and they want a house on it, too.” Fallen Star. —“ Why is it that you have broken off your engagement, Alice?” asked her fair friend. “ Oil, my dear! He told me he was connected with the movies, and the very next day I saw him driving a furniture van.” Light at Last. —Mrs. Henpeck: “It says here that surgeons have discovered that orange blossoms may be used as an anaesthetic.” Mr. Henpeck: “I always did believe that I was unconscious when we were married.” Just Like a Woman. Husband: “ You accuse me of reckless extravagance. When did I ever make a useless purchase?” Wife: “Why, there’s that fire-extinguisher you bought a year ago. We’ve never used it once.” Nothing to Think With. Emily: “The teacher was telling us to-day about some sea-creatures which belong to the lowest stages of development. I have forgotten their names.” Tommy: “It must have been sardines; they haven’t even heads.”

In Liquidation. —Lady: “Why should I help you? You don’t look as if you’d ever done any work.” Tramp: “Indeed I have. I once managed a good handlaundry, but it failed me.” Lady: “Poor fellow. How was that?” Tramp: “She went home to her mother.” * * * Better Wear ’Em. —“ Clothes give a man a lot of confidence.” “Yes, they certainly do. I go to a lot of places with them that I wouldn’t go without them.” * * * Truly Masculine. —“Hair-cut?” asked the barber in a western town. “Yeah,” grunted the hard-boiled cowboy. “Girlish bob.” # * * Jazz Saint Discovered. —“To attain happiness,” says a lecturer, “one must vibrate in tune with one’s environment.” According to that, a man with St. Vitus dance at a jazz concert would be in perfect bliss. * * * Crude Beginnings. —lt is predicted that very soon it will be as easy to talk from London to New York by telephone as from one prrt of London to another. The system, however, may improve in time. He Said a Mouthful. Teacher “Robert, give me a sentence using the word ’satiate.’ ” Bobby—"l took Mammie Jones to a picnic last summer and I’ll satiate quite a lot.” * * * Where Desire is Drowsy. —Nothing works out right. In a town where you can park as long as you want to there is no reason why you should want to. * * * His Alibi. —Lady: “A strong man like you ought not to beg. Why don’t you look round for a job?” Hobo: “I can’t look round, lady; I gotta stiff neck.” Warm Hospitality. —Sermon: “On the Road to Hell.” Everybody Welcome.—Sign in front of a Pennsylvania, church. Force of Habit. —Absent-minded Business Man (after kissing his wife) : “Now, dear, I will dictate a couple of letters.”

Willing to Listen. —Money talks, and most of us wish we were in a position to be bored by it.

Earnest Encore: Chemist (to motorist who had been carried into his shop after an accident): “Yes, sir; you had rather a bad smash, but I managed to bring you to.” Motorist: “I don’t remember. Do you mind bringing me two more?”

Storage Problem: Old Gentleman (seeing the small coloured boy was having some trouble in getting away with the large melon he was trying to eat): “Too much melon, isn’t it, Rastus?” Small Coloured Boy: “No, suh, boss, not enough niggah.”

Try This. Husband: “Another birthday! Alas! It is devastating!” Wife: “Nonsense! It all depends on the point of view. Why don’t you do as I do? I am just entering my fortyninth year for the eighth time,” # * And Now You Know. —“ Ah. You are the young man in question? What’s your name?” “Ivan Auszeichmmugencugteki.” How do you spell it?” As it is pronounced! ” Thrifty Bridegroom: Mr. Macdonald (arranging with clergyman for his second marriage): "And I should like the ceremony in my yard this time, sir.” Clergyman: “Good gracious, why?” Mr. Macdonald: “Then the fowls can pick up the rice—we wasted a deal last time!”

Chesterfield Papa. —The man and the girl were saying good-night on the doorstep when a window above them was pushed suddenly open and a weary voice said, “My dear sir, I have no objection to your coming here and sitting up half the night with my daughter, nor even your standing on the doorstep for two hours saying good-night, but out of consideration for the rest of the household who wish to go to sleep, will you kindly take your elbow off the^ bell-push?” Where Babes are Marksmen: A keen-eyed mountaineer led his overgrown son into a country schoolhouse. “This here boy’s arter learnin’,” he announced. “What’s yer bill o’ fare?” "We teach arithmetic, algebra, geometry, trigonometry— ’’ “No triggernometry,” interrr d the old man, "he’s already the ucst shot in the mountings.” m Fellow Flayers. —Son: “What is a taxidermist?” Father: “He skins animals.” Son: “Well, what is a taxidriver?” Father: “He skins humans.”

Forestalled. —Young Newlywed: “I suppose we could go to live with your people if the worst came to the worst?” His Wife: “Impossible. They are living with their parents.” * * * Just Punishment.—Husband: “Good heavens! Your mother here to stay?” Wife: “Yes, dear; it serves you right. That letter you forgot to post was to put her off!”

The Woman Higher Up. —My biggest ambition, is t’ sneak into Mussolini’s house an’ hear him say, “All right, my dear, have it your own way.” * * * Professional Gloom .—Photograph er: “Could you smile a little? You look so mournful.” Client: “This photo is for my business advertisements.” Photographer: “But wouldn’t it help your business more if you looked bright and cheerful?” Client: “No. I’m an undertaker.” The Silent Drama. —A venerable woman who had, inf: ct, reached the stupendous age of one hundred years was taken to see her first movie show. She watched the screen intently for ten minutes, then said to her companion in a loud voice: “That’ll do. You can 4ake me home now.” “But,” protested the other, “surely you’ll stay to the end.” “What’s the good?” bellowed the centenarian, “I can’t hear a word they’re saying.” She Knew Him. —The Ochiltree farmer who turned up at a reunion dinner the other night in trousers which he claimed to have had in use for forty years would have found a kindred spirit in the late Prof. Samuel Haughton, of Trinity College, Dublin, of whom it was said that his reputation rested equally on his scientific attainments an dhis passion for sticking to old clothes. Once, says the “Manchester Guardian,” for some unfathomable reason, he bought a new pair of trousers, and next morning put them on, leaving the old pair hanging over the foot of the bed. No sooner had he left the house than a maid came rushing down to Mrs. Haughton with the cry: “Please, mum, the master’s gone out without his trousers!”

PASSING SHOTS A pawnbroker leads a loanly life. She is only a taxi driver’s daughter, but you ought to meter. It’s difficult to keep straight when you are trying to make both ends meet. There is a subtle difference between an artist and a business man. One has nerves and the other nerve. “The younger generation knocks at the door.” But as most of them have latchkeys, it seems unnecessary. “Women in the shops.” While their husbands act as buy-standers. ITow to remove paint: Sit down on it before it is dry. Although Cupid is always shooting, he is for ever making Mrs. It is not true that many people attended a recent picture sale out of more-bid curiosity. When an employer is asked for an increase he feels they want to take a rise out of him. Doctors say that London is a nice healthy spot to settle in, but of course it’s most unhealthy if you don’t settle. Silver can openers are said to be more and more in favour as wedding presents. They save ,the bride much embarrassment and the groom from complete starvation.

A lecturer said the other day that girls were not good gamblers. Nevertheless, they seem to enjoy having a little on. It is said that all good things spring from work. A punter who has not enjoyed the best of luck recently says that his good things didn’t spring at all. An English writer says that girls who play chess are usually of the type that scorns dalliance with the other sex. Naturally they are not anxious to be mated. An American’s verdict upon foot ball: “Well, I guess it was all right. Sometimes it was like a sprint, sometimes it was like a ballet, and sometimes it was like a scrap; say, what was that ball for?” A new umbrella contains a fountain pen in the handle. The idea is quite good, for the safest way to keep an umbrella is to clip it to the waistcoat pocket. A Los Angeles girl who was thought to have ceased breathing was found to be still alive by means of a mirror held before her face. She probably opened one eye and then reached for her powder puff.

Nize Baby.—Teacher: “Who can give me a sentence using the word ‘Avaunt' ?” Little Abie: “Avaunt what avaunt when avaunt it.” Static.—Neighbour: “That was a terrific explosion up in your neighbourhood, sir.” Smith: “Was it? To tell the truth, I was having- a little discussion with the wife at the time and didn’t notice

Hit and Run. —Friend: “I suppose you didn’t run across a fellow named Scrimshaw on your travels?’ Road Hog: “Dunno, old man—l never did stop to ask their names!” Power of Advertising.—Card in Florida paper: “Thursday I lost a gold watch which I valued very highly. Immediately I inserted an ad. in your lost and found column and waited. Yesterday I went home and found the watch in the packet of another suit. God bless your paper.” The Vacant Chair. —Little Betty (bursting in, all excited with the news): “Oh, Mamma!” Mother: “What is it, dear” Betty: “That new little boy’s mamma is divorced, but they’re going to adopt a new papa.” Somebody Blundered.—“l hear your girl got married the other day.” “Yeah.” “Tough Luck.” “\ r eah.” “Who did she marry?” “Me.”

He’s Already Called.—Oculist: “Yes, he had a curious affliction; everything he looked at he saw double.” Client: “Poor fellow; I suppose he found it hard to get a job?” Oculist; “Not at all. The gas company snapped him up, and now he’s reading meters.” Repressed Emotions. —Dispatches announce there is to be no more swearing in Italy. What is an Italian gentleman to do after missing a six-inch putt? And what does a lady say when she can’t find a match? Does II Duce expect to equip the mules with self-starters? And if the idea becomes general on the Continent, whatever will they call Uncle Sam? More Nigger Stuff.—A young man on leave from the Sudan was invited to a dance in London. As he entered the ballroom this guest was observed to embark suddenly upon a solo dance of such expertness that everyone stopped to watch and to applaud most heartily when it was over. “Bravo, old chap,” said the host heartily, “how on earth did you manage to pick up the charleston in the wilds of the Sudan?” “C-c-charleston ?” repeated the guest in bewilderment, “t-that wasn’t the charleston, old boy; that was the ague.” A Homer.—A young man, having received an invitation to hunt, hired a mettlesome-looking hack from the stables and was about to ride off when the proprietor said diffidently: “If you don’t mind, sir. I’d prefer to be paid in advance for the ’ire.” “Indeed,” quoth the sportsman, haughtily, “are you afraid I may return without the horse?” “Er —no, sir, not exactly; but I’m kinda skeered in case the hoss comes back without you.”

A TIRED WOMAN’S EPITAPH The tombstone stood in a neglected corner of a churchyard, overgrown witli nettles and long grasses, but its inscription was still legible: Here lies a poor woman who always was tired, Who lived in a house where help was not hired; Pier last words on earth were, “Dear friends, I am going Where washing ain’t done, nor sweeping nor sewing; But everything there is exact to my wishes, For where they don’t eat there’s no washing up dishes, I’ll be where loud anthems will always be ringing. But, having no voice, I’ll get clear of the singing, Don’t mourn for me now, don’t mourn for me never, I’m going to do nothing, for ever and ever.” A CHINESE PUZZLE “Dear Sirs, —1 am Wang. It is for my personal benefit that I write for a position in your honourable firm. I have a flexible brain 'that will adapt itself to your business, and in consequence bring good efforts to yourselves. My education was impressed on me in the Peking University, in which place I graduated Number One. [ can drive a typewriter with good noise, and my English is great. My references are of the good, and should you hope to see me they will be read by you with great pleasure. My last job ' has left itself from me, for the good reason that the large man has dead. It was on, account of no fault of mine. So honourable sirs, what about it. If it can be of big use to you, I will arrive on some date that you should guess.—Yours faithfully. ??” TACT I went to a party with Janet, And met with an awful mishap, For I awkwardly emptied a cupful Of chocolate into her lap. But Janet was cool —though it wasn’t — For none is so tactful as she, And, smiling with perfect composure, Said sweetly, “The drinks are on me!” A NINETEEN-POUNDER There lived on the banks of a famous Scottish salmon river an angler who was renowned far and near for his wonderful catches. Even the most expert salmon-fishers who came annually to try their prowess could not rival the local man’s feats. In due course there came to live in the vicinity a young married couple, and to them was born a fine plump son. The proud father, anxious to know the weight of the infant, wrapped it in blankets and made a dash for the. angler's cottage. The owner was out, so the young father, taking permission for granted, plumped the child down on the scales. The boy weighed 191 b.