A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume 1, Issue 21, 16 April 1927, Page 20 (Supplement)

A JEST OR TWO

The Way it Sounded.—Young Man: Can I have this dance, madame? Young Lady: No, I’m too danced out! Young Man: (A trifle deaf) You’re not, madame, you’re just pleasingly plump. * * * A Careless Son.—“ You’re charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of the window.” “I did it without thinking, sir.” “Yes, but don’t you see how dangerous it might have been for anyone passing by at the time?” Horse and Horse. —Judge: “It seems very strange to me that you could keep on robbing that enormous corporation for so long without being caught.” Prisoner. —“Well, the corporation was pretty busy itself.” * * * Not So Bad.—Mike: “I have a new position on the railways.” Ike: “What is it?” Mike: “You know the fellow that goes alongside the train and taps the axles to see if everything’s all right? Well, I help him listen.” Why Running?—For years he had been terribly henpecked. One morning at breakfast he said to his wife: “My dear, I had a queer dream last night. I thought I saw another man running off with you.” “Indeed,” said his wife. “And what did you say to him?” “Oh,” he answered, “I asked him why he was running.” Z’if That Matters.—“l know a girl ■who plays piaqo by ear.” “ ’Snothing—l know an old man who fiddles with his whiskers.” * * * He Certainly Would.—“l wonder,” said Mrs. Jenks to Mr. Jenks, “why we say ‘good evening’ when a visitor calls and ‘good night’ when he leaves?” “Force of habit, I presume,” said Mr. Jenks. “Evening and night are synonymous terms.” “Well,” continued Mrs. Jenks, “they may be synonymous, but I guess you’d rather have the society column report that I appeared in a tasteful evening gown instead of saying that I was clad in a tasteful nightgown.” ★ * * There He Is Again.—Once upon a time the absent-minded professor forgot to sign his name to some love letters and thereby beat a suit for damages, alienation of affections, and heart balm! * * * Striking an Average.—Mollie: “Mrs. Stokes is very sensible. She says she never believes half she hears.” Maisie: “I dare say not. I’ve noticed she hears quite twice as much as anyone else.”

Effective Eloquence.—“ Fare!” The passenger paid no attention to the conductor’s demand. “Fare, please!” Still the passenger was oblivious. “By the ejaculatory term ‘Fare!’” said the conductor, “I imply no reference to the state of the weather, nor even to the quality of the service vouchsafed by this philanthropic company. I merely alluded, in a manner perhaps lacking in delicacy, but not in conciseness, to the monetary obligation incurred by your presence in this car, and suggest that you liquidate.” And then the passenger woke up and produced the requisite amount.

Tact.—He (just introduced): “What a very homely person that gentleman near the piano is, Mrs. Black?” She: “Isn’t he? That is Mr. Black.” He: “How true it is, Mrs. Black, that the homely men always get the prettiest wives!” * * * • In Luff. —He thought it safer to write to the girl’s father, asking for her hand. He was an ardent lover, but a poor speller, and his note ran: “I want your daughter—the flour of your family.” “The flour of my family is good,” replied the old man. “Are you sure it isn’t my dough you’re after?” Certainly A Shock.—Teacher: Can anyone tell me the meaning of the word collision? No one knows? Well, it is when two things come together unexpectedly; now who can give me an example? “All right, Johnnie, what is it?” Johnnie: “Twins.” The Intruder. —In the dim half-light of the luxurious living room he crouched before a dark bulk. Carefully, with experienced fingers, he groped for the right combination. Slowly his long, thin hands ran over the dial, past 58, 59 to 60. He drew a long breath. He crouched lower. Not a sound could be heard. Suddenly the door behind him was opened wide and a beautiful woman switched on the lights and confronted the crouching figure in the corner. With a low start of consternation, he turned half about and growled: “For goodness sake, Mary, why did you disturb me just as I was tuning in to Vienna? Go back to bed!”