A JEST OR TWO

Sun (Auckland), Volume 1, Issue 16, 9 April 1927, Page 20

A JEST OR TWO

M ixing His Cues. —Yesterday we heard positively the last one on our friend, the absent-minded professor. He slammed his wife and kissed the door. Underwriting the Props. —A moving picture actress has had her legs insured for a million dollars. To the film star, of course, this is mere pin money. Immune to Torture. —A writer of popular songs is said to be deaf, it seems a very unfair advantage. * * * Superior First Aid. —Nell: If a man tried lo flirt with you, would you call a policeman? Bell: No, a minister. Badly Put.—So sorry to hear of your motoring accident. Oh. thanks, it’s nothing : Expect to live through many more! Oh, I hope not! Keeping Proverbs Up to Date.— “ls Clare much put out at being jilted by that young aviator?” “Oh, no. She says there are just as good birds in the air as ever were caught.” Mutual Regrets.— When a wife wishes she had gone in for a career instead of marriage, you can bet your bottom dollar she doesn’t wish it half as much as her husband does. Ask Your Ma.—“Pa,” said Clarence, “What is a peace offering?” “Anything from a box of candy to a fur coat, szm,” replied his dad. The Fashionable Remedy.— “Her countenance fell,” Writes an author gifted. No doubt she went And had it lifted. Quo Vadis? —“There are two sides to every question,” proclaimed the sage. “Yes,” said the fool, “and there are two sides to a sheet of fly-paper; but it makes a difference to the fly which side he chooses.” Sank the Harpoon. —Edith: I saw Helen yesterday and we had the loveliest confidential chat together. Ethel: I thought so; she wouldn’t speak to me to-day. Rainbow’s End. —“ You’re a lucky dog, Bings," said the fellow in the next chair. “They tell me you’re making three times as much money as you did last year.” “Yes,” Bings replied wearily, “but my women folks found it out.”

Pays the Grocer. —“ Hello, Smith, suppose a man marries his first wife’s step-sister’s aunt, what relation is he to her?” “First—wife—step—aunt—er let me see. Oh, I don’t know” “He’s her husband.” * # * The Acid Test. —“ Mr. Garvin,” a man asked his tailor, “how is it you have not called on me for my account?” “Oh, I never ask a gentleman for money.” “Indeed! How, then, do you get on if he doesn’t pay?” “Why,” replied the tailor, hesitating, “after a certain time I conclude he is not a gentleman and then I ask him.” Needed a Clue. —A well-known minister, famous for absent-mindedness, once met an old friend in the street and stopped to talk with him. When about to separate, the minister’s face suddenly assumed a puzzled expression. “Tom,” he said, “when we met was I going up or down the street?” “Down,” replied Tom. The minister’s face cleared. “It’s all right, then. I had been home to lunch.” The Young Idea. —Bona fide gems from examination papers: “The Saxons were a lazy and glutinous race.” “Wordsworth saw in the French Revolution a new error of happiness.” “The Magna Carta occurred in the reign of King John. The barons compelled him to sing it.” "Lack of indiscretion was Stephen's greatest personal enemy.” “Henry was not outwardly offended with Cromwell, after he had made him a baronet he sent him to the block for being a nuisance.” “Wolsey was a great, daring and bold warrior. Some of his chief victories were the capture of Quebec, the battle of Waterloo and the battle of Trafalgar Square.” (Student appears to have made the Cardinal a composition of Wolfe and Wellesley, with a dash of Nelson.) After telling of the clash between Henry VIII. and the Pope, one student conlcuded: “England was freed from the ecclesiastical jokes of the Pope”—the most amusing of which appear to have been bulls.”

Wrong Flavour. —Too much makeup is a sign of unrefinement. In fact, it leaves a bad taste in one’s mouth. Envy is the Life of Trade.—“ Sometimes a luxury becomes a necessity/* “Yes —immediately, if your neighbour has it.” Close Friends. —"What is your car, a five-passenger?” “Yes, but I can get eight in it if they are well acquainted.” One on Pa. —Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he was making his own living. Son: Yes, and when he was your age he was president. Farewell.—Friend (borrowing another book): You don’t have to blow the dust off that —I dont mind. Booklover (sadly): I’m not—l'm kissing it good-bye. Worse.—The baby swallowed a bottle of ink! Incredible! No. Indelible! Waste of Money.—Husband (balancing the household budget) : I don’t believe I’m made one extravagant expenditure so far, dear. Wife: But what about that tire extinguisher you bought a year ago? We’ve never used it once. Economy. Theatrical Manager (handing actor very tired-looking cigar): Here’s your “ property ” for the first scene. It’s a bit damp, so you ought to be able to make it last about 12 performances. Disrupting Element.—A girls’ school now gives instruction in spring cleaning. This is in vivid contract to the old style of school which taught that a girl’s first aim in life should be to be happily married. Preferred the Canary.—The circus acrobat found the clown in tears. “What are you eryngr about?” he asked. “The elephant died," wept the clown. “Weft, what of it? It didn’t belong to you.” "No, but the boss says I’ve g-got to d-dig his g-grave.” Right.—There is one word that is always pronounced wrong. What word is that? Wrong, of course. Doubtful.—Lady of the house (tearfully): Our Uncle George has left all his money for the benefit of feebleminded persons! Visitor (trying to say something sympathetic): Gracious! Does that mean you won’t get anything? A Great Advantage.—Peter, what do you want to be when you grow up? A coal man. Good gracious, why? Because people won’t notice then if I haven’t washed my face. Breaking it Gently.—Mother (as Margery concludes her prayer): You prayed God to bless mamma, papa and grandpa, why didn’t you ask Him to bless Aunt Jane also? Margery: I didn’t think it would be polite to ask for so much all at once. Playing Favourites.—A Scotchman, not feeling so well as usual, called on his family doctor, who looked him over and gave him some pills to be taken at bedtime. Whisky was also prescribed for his stomach’s sake, a small glass to be taken after each meal. Four days later Sandy again called on the doctor, stating he was feelingno better. “Have you taken the medicine exactly as I instructed?” the doctor inquired. “Weel, doctor,” replied the patient, “I may be a wee bit behint wi’ the pills, but. I’m six weeks ahead wi’ tha whusky.”