JOSH BILLINGS ON BEER.

Samoa Times and South Sea Gazette, Volume 3, Issue 161, 28 August 1880, Page 3

JOSH BILLINGS ON BEER.

1 hnv finally cum tow the koncliision, that lager beer iz not iutoxicatin, I ha'v been told so hi a geriimn, who sed he had drank it aid nite long, just tew try the experiment, and was obliged tew go home entirely sober in the morning. I luvv seen this same man drink sixteen glasses, and if ho was drunk, he was drunk ill german.ainl iioboddy could understand it. It iz proper euuil' tew state, that this man kept a lager-beer saloon, and could have no object in stating what want strictly thus. I beleaved him tew the lull extent ov mi ability. I never drank but .'! glasses ov lager beer in mi life, and that made my bed untwist, as tilt) it was hung on the end ov a string, but i was told that it. was owing tow my bile being out of place, and I guess that it was so, for I never tiled over wusr, than i did when i got home that. nite. My wife was al'rado i was agoing tew die, audi was almost" afrado i shouldn't, for it did seem a/, tho ovrvlhing i had ever eaten in mi life, was coming lew the surface, and i do really Iwleavw, Lf mi wife hadn't pulled oph mi' boots, juvtflX nho did, they would have cum thundering up too. Oli, how sick i win I it was 11 years ago, and i kail it now. [ never had so much oxpovieuco in so short a tune. If onny man should toll me that lager beer was not intoxikating, i should beleave him ; but if he should (ell me I wnnt drunk that nite, but that my sinjnnmk was only out ov order, i

i should ask him tow state over, in a few words, how it man felt ami nku-d I when he was well set up. i I? i want chunk that nite, i hail sum jov the must natural sitnpUmis a man | ever had, ami keep sober. j 111 the fust place, it was ahout SO rodfrom wliare i drank tho lager, tew m\ house, ami i was over 2 hours on < the j road, and had a hole busted thru each | one of mi pantaloon knoess, and didn't I hav eniiy hat, and tried tew open the | door by tin- hell-pull, and hieUuppod i awfully, and saw evrylhing in the room , trying tew git round onto tho hack .side ! ov me, and in Betting down onto a chair, I i didn't wait quite lons emiff for it tew j git exactly under me, when it was going j round, and i sett down a little too soon", and missed the chair by ahout 12 inches, and couldn't git up quick enufl'tew take the next one when it cum, and that ain't aul ; mi wife sed I wax a./, drunk az a beast, and ax I sed before, 1 began tew spit up tilings freely.

If lager' beer i/. not intoxikating, it used me almigety mean, that I kuo. .Still i hardly' think lager beer \7. inJ toxikating, for'i hav been told so, and i am probably the only man living; who ever drunk cany when his bile want plumb. I don't want tow say ennything against a harmless temporal!*) bevri.lge, but if i ever drink enny more it will he with mi hands tied behind me. and mi mouth pried open. I don't think lager beer iz intoxikating. hut if i remember right, i think it tastes to me liko a glass with a handle on one side ov it, full ov soapsuds that a pickle had been put tew soak in.