THE RELIGIOUS IMPOSTOR.

Samoa Times and South Sea Gazette, Volume 2, Issue 56, 26 October 1878, Page 4

THE RELIGIOUS IMPOSTOR.

Tho Religious Impostor shall sketch himself; all the more faithfully if i help liiin out where his own account might not be quite full or candid : “ I am nn impostor by profession, and nothing else, and have teen so ever since I was struck oil - tho list of attorneys n quarter of a century ago. 1 do* not stick to any particular line of deception, hut vary ray parts according to (Ip* requirements of time and place. Speaking several languages, having special acquaintance with much of the three kingdoms, being a good mimic of local accent—in addition to .possessing a tolerable person, a fluent tongue, a subtle brain, and perfect indifference for what simpletons call principle—nobody could l>o hotter than myself for carrying on imposture succesolully. 1 became an impostor because I was fitted for the business; and could do nothing else at the time;! remain an impostor because habit, and, liking, too, have fettered me to tho character. I am as little tied lo locality as to any par-1

thular species of deception, 1 traverse' n the kingdom, regularly, and when t younger I used to make voyages in Amo-1 1 lies. 1 t

“ The religious impostor is a part that!! pays as wall as any. There is so much i ( variety in it that a man might give him- ; j self up to it exclusively, if he wore so i ( minded, and possessed the necessary talents I without any fear of overdoing it. J my- i sell practice a good deal of it. An excellent dodge—or rather a series of . dodges—in this way is the Irish convert I ( from Roman Catholicism. It is partieu- i larly good in Lancashire and there away ! —where the large settlement of bigoted I Irish Catholics keeps English Protestant- | ism warm. I have appeared in it from time to time as ex-priest, broken farmer,

simple peasant, and discarded son, and as coming from every one of the provinces in turn. Here, as in all other characters, I never rush headlong on to the stage, hut make due preparation for my appearance therein beforehand. The first thing is to renew my acquaintance with the particular brogue which I wish to assume; for (though neither actors nor novelists seem to know it) each of the Irish provinces has a brogue peculiar to itself in intonation and form of expression. This I do by finding out a pub-lic-house frequented by Irish from the right quarter. The tiling is not difficult; for the London slums abound in Irish, and Irish families from the same country always settle together in knots. Here, there will ho a court full of Kildare folk, and next to it one tem.nte i by emigrants from Cork ; while the people of the alley joining the two may he exclusively Ironr Dublin, livery , f tnesc i knots has its own tavern, . i at lea'-t its laveuute tap-room Having iixul on my | drinking house, I frequent it to: half a dozen nights, until my tongue is tiled down to the brogue which I have deeided to adopt. This done, I provide the garb —broad cloth or frieze, and lay or clerical—and the necessary t'-stimo-nials. The last is one of the easiest things in the world. I must have a story to tell also. It is a common one, something to this effect: 1 was always earnestly religious, a conscientious Catholic to begin with , therefore a persecutor of all Protestants. 1 continue thus until some semimiracle or other —a Bible which 1 threw into the fire, but could not burn, for instance — opens my eyes to the wickedness of ray ways. I became a Bible-reader in my turn, receive certain necessary iuj stiueU gts ill Protestnnu an in an out-of-i the-wav manner, amt t c me a bold and I ti insistent " witne.-s i the truth,” in pio.eevte s.ui.g. I i.i course I go through tin- usual trials and persecutions, an, uciilc.-iiiatiz* i from tre altar and eas oil by my friends, tootled at and malueated, and soon, until 1 am compelled ro lly the country. I conic to Lngland, partly for safety, hut chiefly to raise the means of transporting myself to America. Thus primed, it would astonish you to scf how I make wav. The chances are that were I what I pretend to be—a conscientious coward —I should make no way at all. But glib and facile as I am, and adapting myself to the peculiarities everybody, there is no resisting me. 1 am especially successful with ancient females of both sexes who devote themselves to proselytizing. 1 am potted and shown about; ray pockets are properly lined: and I have all soils of inducements to remain in the country offered. Some of them I long to accept; but prudence forbids, and ,1 obey. 1 realise ns much money as I can and as quickly as I can ; for in these casts there is uo guessing * how soon detection may put in an appearance. 1 rarely carry on the game for more than a month or six weeks. Then 1 make my how and vanish. ” Next time summer having opened, and the practice being seasonable, 1 turn street-preacher. 1 must have two chums at least —follows of sedate appearance, fittingly draped n black, with a set of prayers that serve for all occasions, learned by rote, and deliver the said prayers with propriety and energy. Wo have confederates, too, of another class—pickpockets, in short, who form the nucleus of our congregations, and who reward us for providing them with facilities for practicing their profession. You may witness the whole thing from beginning to end any fine Sunday evening during the season, at the cast of London, say. But we choose corners all over the city, and visit them in turn. Here I announce myself as a missionary engaged in some benevolent work, gather a crowd, and do my best to interest them with novel doctrines and numerous nnecdolos. Then : round goes the hat. Whenever wc can, and this is often, wc improve upon this Wc take a school or conceit room ad- , .jnocut to a much-frequented thorough 1 fare, and go out into the street in front. ’ Here wo sing and hold forth until we ' collect a sufficient throng of idlers, whom wo invite to follow us into the room. 1 The invitation is generally accepted, and ■ the place quickly filled. Then wo have i an hour and a half of singing, praying, and ranting. We wind up with an appeal to . tho congregation for aid towards expenses. ■ Then wo place ourselves, pinto in hand, at the outlet, which wc narrow as much ■ at possible—if there he folding doors wc , always close one. Here we have a way of looking at people and thrusting our plates before their faces, which shames the most backward into giving something. 1 lie thing would not pay well/ if this were all; but there is more. (Jo were we will we are sure to meet with crackbrains who persuade themselves | that wo an; doing all the good in the world, and who cannot resist tho imj ntilso to empty their purses into our ; hands. It is a fact that once upon a ■ time uu enthusiastic tailor waited upon

Hi!- at IheeioM of the Bwtfce, and wJuateered to mr\ko me a fu|l suit of superfine Mack fur nothing [he kopt his word, too "in return for the eonsolati my eloquence had brought to his yearning spirit" It was a capital suit, and fitted first-rate. The chapel business is best when wo can afford I tise in the neighbourhood three or four days before, putting in the names of country-celebrities and announcing one or two sinners of the worst class to tdvo their experiences. in this case we charge for admission, just as the theatres do; and earn the money, too; for there is no end of trouble in preparing the experiences and in teaching the converts to deliver them in proper style. " Another lucrative variety of tho religious dodgo is collecting for church or chapel building, lluro nothing is requisite but n good story, a number of cleverly-forged testimonials, a persuasive tongue and proper get-up, and n select ion of suitable names and addresses, of which we "et the former from religious publications, and the hitter from tho directories. Merchants, I must remark, we prefer to catch at their offices; there they are easier dealt with, have no time to waste, are glad to get rid of us quietly, and have cash at hand. We make but one call. If the party gives at once, well and good if not, we do not call again. In this case investigation is sure to be mad'. l by somebody or other, so wo continue the game for weeks, or limit it to days, according to the length of time necessary for bringing a reply to any letters of inquiry. If the place wo hail from he. within the kingdom tour or five days is about the utmost that we cm practise the trick with safety; uud hero 1 like ;. l.e perfectly sat' \ for one detection a serious thing, as bringing us under the r-ot'ee of the police. lint if we announce ourselves pilgrims com Canada, ur from tho United States, especially from the mor. isuiut settlements, we may prolong tin roguery for weeks. Here we utilize nil likely accidents, as fire making, for instance, a good thing of the Chicago fire. " Now and then 1 go down to a country town—well be-spectacled and test intoninlled—as a pastor in had health from one of the colonies, who has no end of stirring experiences in wild lands to relate. lam prepared to lecture on these experiences, introduce myself to a leading clergvman, obtain the use of his schoolroom if he hoof the Established church, or of his chapel if he bo a bissenter, and get my lecture announced by the pulpit. Admission is always by ticket; and I gen-rally manage to sell .some hundreds. Sometimes 1 lecture, sometimes 1 don't—just as I may feel and as the land lies. Should it please mo to speak. I do very well, thanks to a fertile fancy and to the exceeding gullibility of such an audience. The crowd of eager credulous faces that I see before ■ me takes mo amazingly, and stimulates ■ my powers of lying up to any pitch required. But Ido not always feel in the • mind to lecture. There is a loathsome , thing known to mechanics as " working ■ for a dead horse ;" and so sometimes, having pocketed the money for my tickets, I take myself off, leaving my friend the clergyman to excuse my absence as best . he may. This ho generally does, for re- ' ligioua people mortally dislike to have it i known that there is such a thing in the i world as religious imposture, much less i that they themselves have been duped i by it. Therefore, unless they detect the ; cheat on the spot, tho cheats seldom hear ■ moro of it, ami tho world at large not at ' all."—Pall Mall Gazette.