RIDE IN A "FAST" TRAIN.

Stratford Evening Post, Volume XXV, Issue 4, 6 January 1915, Page 3

RIDE IN A "FAST" TRAIN.

AN AMUSING SKIT. The following amusing skit, which betrays an American origin, appears in thei New Year's "issue of the "Loco Record" : Of course we all know that the Midland Branch has some fast trains, but did you ever ride from Rolleston .to the end of that branch on one of those "Arthur's Pass Specials*'. It is what they call a "mixed train" —and' it's well mixed. ..... • ~... It. stops at every station—a few in between—and tli.en some besides. And along the line the places are so near together that the train hap to begin ito stop .before it commences to. start. It just seems to be one continual case of coal up—puff up—pull up—and back up. I didn't even get a chance to smoke up. Every time they would start.or stop I'd nod to something—until my neck got as limber as a piece of asparagus—l finished up by bowing to cows out th' ear window.

And on a down grade, you know, the engine has to cut loose froni the train, go ahead to the next station—and then let the train come along and run intp it. So they can all stop at the same place at tbe same time. Otherwise the whole bunch, might slide past four or five places—and they' wouldn't know which one to back up; to first, they are all so near together. The first one of those down-grade surprise parties caught me standing on the back of the last car. When the train struck the back of the engine—the door struck the back of my head. Then my hat flew off, the door flew open, and I flew in so fast, that I passed the guard in the aisle. The guard' says: "Getting off?" I says: "No—going through." He says: "How does your ticket read?" I says: "One continuous trip." Just then I tripped over a valise. He says: "Well, you're getting it, aren't you?" I says: "I should say I am —I am getting one continuous trip over everything, from the back door to th' front."

"Well," he says, "you can have it from th' front to th' back, if you'd rather; your ticket is good either way."

Just then I came to a valise that l| couldn't step "over—and when I asked th'' guard* for a '.'stop-over'—he gave me a push-over. I started head. first for th' floor. Tliat was th' nearest way to th' floor with th''start' he gave me; but T saved my haftds by striking on my face. The guard looked at me. He says: "That's it, now get your back up." I says: "I can't see, but I think it's up as far as it'will go." And, do you know, we nearly starved to death on that "Arthur's Pass Special." Isays :"Guard, I'm getting hungry." He says: "The brakesman will shout live minutes for lunch pretty quick.'' "Well," I says, "I can't live, on shouts." And when we arrived at th' place where they have th' lunch it was a case of catch-as-catch-can; fill yourself with regret, and repent erLroute. > ■ • V (( .I I py l ?ri,,,tb'. .materia.! on. th' counter. "1$ thjs all you've got to eat here?" He "says-: "J haven't got to eat it. .I,work here.",, Then I. noticed a fried chicken on the end of th' counter,

From where I stood, th' chicken looked like a test' case "to me.' I-'says: "Mister, when ' was that chicken cooked?"

He says: "This .morning—it's cooked fresh every day." I says:' iV T don't doubt that; but when was it killed?"

He says: "We don't give dates with chicken here—only bread." ''Then," I says; "if it's not eaten to-day it will be cooked over again tomorrow ?"

says: "I couldn't say for sure; some days the.v only boil it." I finally flagged a shaving mug full of coffee. ,

•Tjiat coffee!' Oh!. "Jl t ou cpuldn't stir it.. I .broke the spoon off in mine, and after that. I just poked it.

I had "to tie my latch-key on to a lump of sugar to make it sink. I just took one swallow of, that coffee —then I put the rest in my fountain pen—and wrote home for a sandwich right' away.