SWIMMING NOTES.

Stratford Evening Post, Volume XXXII, Issue 84, 6 April 1912, Page 6

SWIMMING NOTES.

(By Amphi Bios.) One will probably have a good deal to, say, to-day., Several circumstances combine to strongly, corroborate the suggestion. First there is the fact that Thursday's race was a good one. Second, there is. the fact that Good Friday intervening gives, one an unusual opportunity to think up insulting remarks of ornamentality and practical utility about the competitors. ~' ISien there is the fact that, Good Fiaday being considerate enough to intervene, one is. in an excellent position to bid Dull Caro get his head read —to throw- convention and superfluous clothing-to the dogs and to write one's little tale under the red, white and blue canopy of Heaven, having the four (or live) winds of Heaven blow- . ing in'"on" him with a''pleasing irregularity of direction and velocity and getting the fluff blew off him, if one may say so without being thought too poetical. And" when one is a snuffy and musty dog, who habitually , inhabits snuffy and musty places in preference to getting out under aforesaid red, white and blue canopy and toying with bof orementioned four (or five) wiridsi this last-mentioned reason operates strongly. Fourth there is the fact that, the • writing, being-done on Good Friday, one is loaded well over the Plimsoll iWith, Hot Cross Buns and Christian Charity, either or both of which forms an. excellent agitatant of the physical juices which operate in favour of inspiration and,,a good prompter of that physical alertness which is indispensN able when executive operations have to be done quickly, quietly, punctually and precisely. ■Not that, as is said of an army, A.B. writes on his stomach. ''No,-No'. He has. a line sense of decency, while at. the same time declining to hide ; his .light under a waistcoat. He puts his writing in the "Post," where, ho who runs may read. It is actually on record that one man- stopped running, in order to read A.B.'a most recent diffusion. But the. police caught him in the act. ' . He is now domiciled at Porirua. Pore Bloke 1 Qne must make.some further reference to Hot Cross Buns and Christian Charity, which Avere hereinbefore juxtaposed (or, as. the Dictionary, not the most logical text-book .;, estaiii, . says, juxtaposited). • £ One, . however, not being described in the Flock Book as a theological export or a food-value expert, will wisely refrain from endeavouring to demonstrate QFreompaTe--their <■> respective sustentneiosity—a word, of which the bally old Dictionary knows nothing whatever. The most one can do is to suggest that the research indicated be undertaken, and it would.indeed he interesting to « see, exact data on the point as- to whether on the' e wboß Widay hereinbeforementioned the 'majority of- people relied for sustenance on Hot Cross Buns or on Christian. Charity. One can, however, voice a suspicion that an investigation, .would find that the ■ Hot. Cross Buns were in unmistakable evidence' while the Ch'ffstiari Charity was not lying around loose in large lumps. ',.■ - That's.enough of said to his wife. y But we cannot, preach one way and practice another. One has a very well denned quarrel with the Dictionary, and my Hot Cross Bun offer to the Dictionary is that if it-will recognise "juxtaposed" aiid "sustenaciosity" I will let bygones be bygones ahd never, never refer to'it as "not the most logical 'text-book extant." I can't*say fairer nor that. Arid to prove to the Dictionary and the Human, Race, both of which, being intelligent parties, though one sxlll harbours an 'uncharitable suspicion about the Dictionary, can bo safely presumed toread the. result when A.B. undergoes what an Eminent Writer : has described, as "an elliptical, seizure," that one's Good Friday sustention (another one in the vicinity of, the wind for the Dictionary) was not.wholly composed of Hot Crp.ss* Buns one. will repeat a pancj gy r ' c > savouring.somewhat of the fulsome,, which a chap wrote in a copy of the Dictionary he presented to his Best Girl. , "Which may account for a lot of things. ,i Here it. is: ",To. Mary witli"my best love, and the hope that by the aid of this work \ all doubtful words will be explained, the meaningless made plain, the uncouth made good to look upon, the graceless made graceful,' the difficult made easy, the oldest made new' and the newest made old; and, furthermore, that there shall be nothing in thp magnificent language of a versatile people, remaining inexplicable after consulting Noah Webster's Dictionary." Pore ole Noah! Pore Bloke! Not that A.B. has any quarrel with him or with his old buster of a Dictionary. ; Oh, no! Having now disposed of these weighty and important matters one may, perhaps, be permitted to make a veiled passing reference, to Thursday's race. The race was over 150yds—the last distanco for the Handicap Champion Cup. The Cup is at present on view in the window of the premises of the starter and timekeeper. The Cup is a good Cup. The Cup is leased for a year to Doughy. Give it to Dufty? ,

i Not much. He didn't wait—he took it. ! Once more becoming prosaic and precise, one proceeds to state thai the pellucid liquid in the bath was oi a temperature to make Fahrenheit blush and the air reminded one oi "the gentle breezes which of a summer evening blow among the treeses." Before the contest the points for the Cup stood: Masters 8 Kelly 7 Kivell ... ... 5 Bennett ... ... 5 Jebb 5 Kivell and Whittington did not get on the starting boaro. Whittington was probably piqued a A.B. having suspected his (C.C.'s) design of annexing the race. There was a very small attendance of the public. ' Punctually 120 seconds before Masters left the starting-board Jebb took the "water and made a dash for the South Pole, keeping the ball rolling to, such good effect that he had covered 150yds before the whole of his handicap had been consumed. ■This, a length every 20 seconds, must be considered excellent for Jebb, and his average over the eighteen lengths was just under 32sec. Jebb swam with good judgment throughout. . He used the side stroke with good effect in the middle part of the race. He did not swim as straight a course as he will next year. Masters developed symptoms of a desire to give him the time of day in the last length, but Jebb", with an utter disregard for the finer feelings of. Masters, politely declined to be overhauled. He won by a. touch after a spectacular finish. Must more be said of the race ? More must: and, alas, more cannot be said without pain. One's heart bleeds for Bennett. That, of itself, will profit him little." tie. Bennett, like Tom Horner, put in his thumb and pulled out 95 seconds, but made no more use of it than a member of Parliament would make of a-tail, if, he had one. He ran along nicely for nine lengths. Once he said to Jebb : "What o'clock is't?" Jebb replied: "It's ten to one you will not overhaul me." And Bennett ran along in second place. Once more Bennett, said to Jebb: "What o'clock is't?" Jebb replied: : "It is ten to one you •will not overhaul me." And Bennett kept on running along in second- place*, Finishing the ninth lap Bennett said to himself: "It is more like a hundred to one if I overhaul Jebb. The odds are more long than attractive; 5 1 will' retire." '..-!'•' He did. Pore Bloke! He never was so close to running into a place in his life. Next season he will finish all his its ii •jojjj i w in <■- !u<i -j i i •, *;.. races. ". ' One's heart bleeds for Kelly. That, of itself, will profit him liltlo. He set out (with a handy 55sec.) at the rate of about eighteen to the dozen and' a ' half and looked as if he intended to endeavour to put up new figures for 32J-yds. He did not. The. most he did was to get hopelessly overdrawn on his. wind account. ' Thereafter he' floundered along like a deflated indirigible balloon. He reached the dinner table two lengths after the guests had said, "Thank you—l've had ever so much too much" and departed. If a particle of sense should, by some unforeseen accident, happen to get into his napper the shock to his system would be such that his bright smiling face would become all sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought. Perhaps, even, it might cause his death. Which would little profit him. Or anybody else. Except the undertaker. The time of the race was 9m;n 47sec. The various aggregate times, therefore, are:— Masters 7.48 Jebb ... ... 9.47 Kelly , 9.52 Whichy gives' the following rough averages for a length:— 'Masters ... ... 26 Jebb 33 Kelly 33 The points for the Cup now stand : Masters lf> .Jebb 8 Kelly 8 Kivell 5^ Bennett 5 Curtis 0 Whittington ... 0 Jebb and Kelly will have to swim off for second place. It is hoped to have this done on the morning of Easter Monday.