VARIETIES.

Southland Times, Issue 1120, 8 March 1869, Page 3

VARIETIES.

Faraday produced films of 20H so thin that it would require 350,000,000 of them to make an inch in thickness. " Q-et you life insured for $ 10.000." said a zealous insurance-u-tent, " an I then, if you die tomorrow, the widow's heart will si.ig for joy. The young la ly who broke so ninny young rasa's hearts has been bound in the bands matrimony to keep the peace. A'niggai'd kept a surly dog; in his yard, so thai when the needy called for a bite they could get it out-si le the door. Why was Eve not afraid of the measles ? Bi-cnu-a sho'l A.d:ira. Ye avaricious ! remenbor that shrouds have no poukeU. The minister who 3aid he could preach best without notes owned that ho did not refer to greenbacks. To get money without earning it is a clias< that Icids i. lew to affluence, but many to the penitentiary. Alviee, like snow, the softer it falls, the longer it dwoila upon, and the deeper it sinks into, the mine!. «■ "Blood relations? Why, they ara near relative j, my son." — " Th-n, mother," replied the boy, after musing a while, "you must be the bloodiest relation. I've got. " (Jomo Bridget, get up! Hers ' t'u Monday morning, to-morrow'sTues lay, next day's Wednesdiy, — halt' the week' a gone, aud nothing done jet ! " 'Mow odd i f . is," said Pat, as he trudged alon^ o.i foot one hot sultry dar, " that a man never meets a cart going the same way he is! " Little girls believe in tuenian in the moon ; big girls believe in a man in the honeymoon. A cooper, seeing a dandy's lingers covero I with ring*, declared he mupt be a weak fellow, or he wouldn't require so many hoops. "My son,"said a tutor of doubtful morality, but severe aspect, putting his hanJ on the boy's shoulder, " I believe Satan has got a hold of you." '' 1 believe so too was the reply. lf Old dog tray " is so affectiugly played by some hand-organs, that troops of pupa will squat before the machine, and wipe tears from tneir eyes with their paws. What is taken iroin you before you get it? Tour photograph." Tight lacing shows the men how much squeezing tiitj ladies can bear. One cannot believe the kiss of a pretty girl is so delicious till he has it from her own lips. Swift said, " We see what Ghxl thinks of riches by the people he gives them to." At a dinner of great, merchants of Canton, the resedent agent of Dr. Ayer proposed the familar toast. — " lea ; the cup that cheers, but not inebriates." When this was translated, the chief Chinese officer present ro?e, much pleased, and responded in a short speech detailing the virtues oi some oi the medicines he had received from a missionary, and ended by proposing, — "Medicines of Ayer Doctor; medicines that do good, but not hurt. Welcome Flowery Kinguom! ' The outer edge of the outer ring of saturn revolves at the rate of fifty thousand miles an hour, or fourteen miles a second. A sick man who was making a hideous howl excused himself because the doctor had ordered him to take port wine and bark. ' The Breton mariner, on putting to sea, touchiugiy prays, " Keep me, my God ! my boat is so small, and thy oc ;an so wide." W/iat kiud of vice is it that even the most wicked s iuu ? Ad-vice. A certain docior used to cook into medicines all sort* of roots and herbs, and try them on Ids wile. If they didu't kill her, he was ready for his oilier patients. "How many children have I?" asked a woman of a spirit-rapper. " Four." — " And how many have IP" asked her husband. " Two." was the astonishing repiy. Mistake somewhovc. The merit is not in doing extraordinary actions, but iv doing ordinary actions extraordinarily well. Why is a bald head like heaven? Because there is no more parting or dyeing " Tite butes air a luxury, iuastnutch aZ they kause a man 2 forgit awl his other raizeries." Is it patriotism that makes young ladies turn thsir parents' premises into couct-hauses ? Why is the letter k like a pig's tail ? Because it is the cud of pork ? The pleasantest husbandry is the destroying of weeds. — widows weeds. We always respect old age, except when stuck with a pair ot tough chickens A young gentleman speaking of a young beauty's fashionable yellowish hair called it pure gold, it ought to be," quoth Me X—:"K — :" it looks like twenty-four carrots."