VARIETIES.

Southland Times, Volume III, Issue 273, 4 June 1866, Page 3

VARIETIES.

Knowledge "Wanted. — " We nivei had naw ventilashun when 1 lived wit' auld squire : nowt' o't sort," said an old servant to his master, " You must have had some ventilation, Tom," said the master, as he looked at the well-stuffed stable ; '■ yo~ar cattle could not have lived without it." — " Mabee ; but I niver seed it, nor naw sik e thing : and I knawed iverything that cooined in and oot at pleace." An ice Oar. — The master mechanic of the Peninsular Railroad of Wisconsin has in process of construction an ice car, which is expected to afford unusual facility for travel upon the frozen rivers in that region. It will be built like a common passenger car ; a pilot house will be put at the forward end of the car, and immediately hack of that will be two engines 6ftby 12 ft. Back of these will be a 10-foot boiler, 62 flues, and in the rear of that will be passengers depart ment. There will be two hob sleighs on which the car will rest — two at each end — with 15 ft space between the forward and rear hobs. In the centre of the car will be a wheel, something similar to a cog wheel, which will cut the ice and thus propel the machine. A wheel will be in the rear to steer it. A Maidens Speech. — Ask papa. The Aveapon that no enemy can parry is a bold and cheerful spirit. Those who speak without reflection often remember their own words with sorrow. The most delicate method of giving a lady a hey to your feeling is to send her a lock of your hair. The conjunction of four constitutes eight ; but the union of a couple is not always productive of .love. George the First, when he landed in j England, said to some of the crowd assembled, " I come for your goods ' ' (meaning for your welfare) ; and one of the crowd replied (alluding to the good things the Grermans would pick up)," Ay, and chattels too, I expect." It is not what we eat, but what we digest that makes us strong. It is not what we earn, but what we save that makes us rich. It is not what we read out, remember that makes us learned. It is not what we profess, but what we practice that makes us righteous. Progress in Patent Medicine. — The following articles are on sale at the fnstitute of quackery ;-Antibilious oyster sauce, cosmetic brandy, digestive hardbake cough champagne, gout andu rheumatic burgundy, pectoral jam, stomachic cigars, antiscorbutic Tourkshire pies. Warning to Amateur Gardeners. — A worthy householder called upon a seedsman in a neighbouring town and complined that the onion seed which he had purchased was worthless, not one of the expected plants having made theirappearance above ground. The merchant looked serious, and said -" Are you sure you did not sow them -wrong side up." There is this difference between hatred and pity pity is a thing often avowed, seldom felt ; hatred is a thing often felt, seldom avowed. The divisibility of copper is so great that a grain of it, dissolved in an alkali, wiil give a sensible colour to 500,000 times its weight in water. What is the difference between a couple of mermaids and summer and autumn ? The former are two sea-daughters and the latter are two sea-sous. If men would follow the advice which they bestow gratiously on others, what a reformation would be affected in their characters. One reason why the world is not reformed is, because every man is bent on reforming others, while but few think of reforming theirselves. Clever Anagram. — It is said that Napleon, when asked by Dr O'Meara, if he thought he could have invaded England at the time he threatened to do so, replied in the following anagram : — " Able was I ere I saw Elba." Whether this is true or not, we should like to a more ingenious or extended anagram, which, the reader will observe, reads the same backwards or forward. Gtive a man brains and riches, and he is a king ; give a man brains witnout riches, and he is a slave ; give a man riches without brains, he is a monkey. Who's the Fool. ? — Mr Serjent Parry, in illustration of a case, told the following anecdote : Some merchants Avent to an Eastern Soverign, and exhibited for sale several very fine horses. The king admired them, and bought them ; he, moreover, gave the merchants a lac of rupees to purchase more horses for him. The king one day, in a sportive humour, ordered the vizier to make out a list of all the fools in his dominions. Hed did so, and pnt his Majesty's name at the head of them. The king asked why. He replied, " Because you entrusted tne lac of rupees to the men you dout know, and who will never come back." \ Ay, but suppose they should come back ?" " Tnen I shall erase your name and insert theirs.'* Tit for Tat ! — A gentleman of Lewistown was engaging a housemaid the other day, who was very particular. Her cross examination would have done honour to the C.C.C. " Do you have small children?* she asked. "No." "Do you have your washing done out of the house?" " No." " Will my room be carpeted ?" " Yes." After going on awhile in in this manner, the gentleman turned the tide, and said he should like to ask her a few questions. " Can you play the .piano ?" he began. " Oh, do." "Can you speak French" "No." "Can you sing opera?" "No." " Can you dance the Lancers ?" " No." " Well then," he concluded, "if you can't do any of these, you won't suit," and off went " the astonished maiden, smelling mice. ■ • The duty of the happy ia to help the