MISCELLANEA.

Southland Times, Volume III, Issue 223, 2 March 1866, Page 3

MISCELLANEA.

When is a clock like a discontented workman ? — When he strikes. G-uaiio scattered o/er ant-hilla will effectively destroy the insects. Black stockings of all colors were advertised the other day by a country dealer. What key is that which will never fit any lock ? — A monkey. : • ., What were the first words Adam said to Eve ?— Nobody knows. When is a man " likejiny other man ?" — When he corresponds with him. Which is the largest room in the world ? — The room for improvement. Be deaf to the quarrelsome, blind to the scorner, and dumb to those who are mischievously inquisitive. Why had Boaz a right to be offended with Ruth? — Because she pulled Ms ears, and trod on his com. What is the difference between a Purseyite and a Baptist ? — The one burns wax, and the other dips. Why does a salmon die before it livet ? — Because its existence is ova before it comes to life. Where are we sure to find contentment ? — ln the dictionary. A.romantic young woman says that a woman's heart is like the moon — it changes continually, but always has a man in it. An author, ridiculing the idea of ghosts, asks how a dead man can get into a locked room. Probably with a skeleton-key. Why are books the best friends ? — Because, when they bore you, you can always shut them up without offence. It is one of the evils of old age that, as your time is come, you think every little illness the beginning of the end. When a man expects to be arrested every knock at the door is an alarm. — Sydney Smith. Among the sinecures at Court who receive pay without play are the State musicians during the four years' mourning. Their pay would support a National Academy of Music without troubling Mr. Q-ladstone for additional aid. Talleyrand was worried for his autograph, and to one of his persecutors he thus wrote : — " Will you oblige s me with your company to dinner on Wednesday next, at eight o'clock? I have invited a number of exceedingly clever persons, and do not like to be the only fool among them. "I'm going to ride at the country," said [a Frenchman, whose English was not very perfect, to a friend in town. " You should say ride in the country," remarked the friend. " Ah ! yes — very good," responded the Frenchman ; " and when I come back I will knock in your door." Many of our " slang " sayings have a classica derivation. When one calls hss comrade a " brick' he is only paying a compliment uttered a thousand years ago .- — An Eastern Prince, on being asked, " Where are the fortifications of your city ?" replied, pointing to his soldiers, " every man you see is a brick." Diversity op Taste with begabd to Biebs. The infant delights in crows, but hates the thrush ; some lunatics are raven' mad ; gluttons are fond of swallows ; gamblers like pigeons and gulls ; thieves go in for a robbing ; fast men glory in a lark; and every good husband loves his little duck of a wife. The Schoolmaster's Toast. — The fair daughters of England : May they add virtue to beauty, subtract envy from friendship, multiply amiable accomplishments by sweetness of temper, divide time by sociality and economy, and reduce scandal to its lowest denomination by a modest Christian deportment. The Dorset Chronicle states that, at Wareham in Dorsetshire, which contains 2000 inhabitants, there are at present ten persons living whose' united ages are 858 years, averaging nearly 86 years each. At Taunton, in Somerset, an old man, named Sully, has just died, aged 105 years. The modern fashion of naming florists flowers must be held responsible for the very dubious paragraph we extract from a gardening paper: — " Mrs Legge will be looked after ; she may not be so certain as some, but she was nevertheless very fine in the early part of the season. Lady Popham is useful, one of the old-fashioned build, not quite round in the outline, but makes up well." In King Williams, time a Mr. Tredenham was taken before the Earl of Nottingham on sucpicion of having treasonable papers in his possession. "I am only a poet," said the captive, " and those papers are my roughly-sketched play." The Earl, however, examined the papers, and then returned them, saying, " I have heard your statement, and read your play, amd, as I can find no traces of a plot in either, you may go free." Rather a curious story is told of an American medium who pretended to conjure up spirits. At one of bis seances a simple-looking Quaker asked if he could have a spirit. "By all means," was the obliging reply. " Who will you have ?" — " Moses, if you please, sir." After a little preliminary spiritualism, the medium exclaimed, " He is here ! what would you have ?" But just at that moment the lights grew dim, and, amidst a dead silence, the side door opened, and a venerable figure, with long beard, pale visage, sunken eyes, and long, flowing, ancient Jewish garb, tottered slowly into the room, and, sinking into a chair, exclaimed in deep accents, " Here." Moved with horror at seeing that he was sold, the medium had precipitately taken flight, and it took some time to reassure the horror-stricken spectators that it was the actor Susini who was before them, and that the simple Quaker was his confederate.