LETTERS FROM LITTLE BRITAIN.

Southland Times, Volume I, Issue 23, 23 July 1864, Page 5

LETTERS FROM LITTLE BRITAIN.

(By the Man in the Moon). XIV. Mr. Squeers, on becoming Prime Minister; proclaimed to the world that his watch- word would be "Hecoriomy," and that, were he to die that moment, the word "Orror" (of debt) "would be found engraven on his 'art." He at once proceeded to - , dismiss every officer he deemed superfluous,, commencing with the Inspector of Cattle. He proved the needlessness of these gentlemen by the following luminous and conclusive argument :-r" Ist. Pleuro-pneumonia is rapidly reducing the cattle of the Province ; beef will therefore rise iri:: price'; ' consequently less will be eaten ; thus the demand arid supply will remain equal. 2nd. consumption of diseased beef will reduce the' population ; therefore the price will decrease tb the ! former rate, and the demand and supply ■still remain equal. 3rd. It is thus clearly proved that it is not worth while to check the spread of pleuropneumonia, and the inspectors are, therefore, unnecessary expenses." The inspectors. ..were, however, graciously informed that they might continue to act as honorary inspectors ; but; by a singular obliquity of vision, they failed to perceive the personal advantages which woidd accrue from such patriotism, and accepted the alternative— the sack. The Provincial Physician was the next, dismissed, and Iris assistant, Dr. Lindley, installed (at half pay) in his place ; it being evident that he could perfectly well visit all the ships in harbor, sit on inqueßts, &c, without interefering with his constant attendance at the Hospital. Dr. Lindley is a promising youth of eighteen, of that estimable sort known as a " good young man." He performs his onerous duties to admiration, with the exception of one or two trifling ■ mistakes, such as accidentally amputating the wrong leg of one man, and inadvertently ordering another a warm bath at a temperature of 212° instead of 112°, (thereby causing the patient considerable cutaneous irritation) ; and who does not make some mistakes? (Exr-cpt Eosco). S till, in spite of these retrenchments, some revenue was needed to pay the few remaining officials. By some unfortunate and provoking accident, the expense of collecting the revenue amounted to double the revenue collected. This strange and unaccountable feature occasioned great anxiety on the part of the Ministers, and it was clear that some new plan must be adopted to avoid national bankruptcy. And now we conic to the idea. Mr. Cuthbert Cowhide having departed for his country seat, the only remaining members of the Cabinet were Mr. Squesrs and Mr. Blunder. The former gentleman one day called his colleague into his private room, and to him whispered his scheme which was tliis — Mr. Blunder was to start immediately for Dundreary, the capital of the neighboring Province of Omega. There he was to have a number of £5 notes printed in close imitation of bank notes, and get these ' " changed " at every possible opportunity, and as soon as he had acquired a considerable sum, to return to Little Britain. Mr. Blunder departed on his mission, and at first was most successful ; but Mr. Jewish Argus, the editor; of the Omega Daily Puff unluckily happened to discover the astute scheme, and an alarming uproar was the result. To use the words of the Little Britain Daily Exploder, "The Daily Puff denounced this Province as forgerers, swindlerers, and robberers ! ! !" Mr. Blunder . was re-called, and here my descriptive powers fail me. Ruin, insolvency, despair, and a number of similarly disagreeable things came in crowds. Drop we the veil of oblivion on the scene, and turn we to less lugubrious themes. As 7 soon as the new electoral roll was published, it was subjected to a close scrutiny by the em- , inent legal firm of Heavy and Steady (both M.P.'s), and those gentlemen discovered numerous inaccuracies in the various claims for registration. ■ One had omitted to state that his house had a wooden chimney ; another ignored the: fact : that; two rails" of his fence were broken; another coricealed the fact that he was married, and so on. Remembering that "the better part of .valor is discretion," they employed one of their clerks to sign those objections, judiciously omitting to tell him that he thus rendered liimself liable for the costs of the reyision: The , Exploder disapproved of this .course, amd threatened' Messrs. Heavy and Steady that they would devote a leader to their '■ castigation. Terrified, both members resigned "' 'precipitately, and Mr. Heavy was again returned. 7 In place of Mr. Steady, Mr.' Harry Weaklegs was returned .■ for Mufftown ; and, Messrs.. Blunder, ; Jackanapes, and John Muff, also resigning their places, were filled by Mr. Baby,, Mr. Snail, and * s Mr. Walker Parrot, the fbrriier member fbr Wap- : ping. ° I The difficulty of obtaining revenue remaining unsolved, Dr. Paustus proceeded to borrow a large ' sum of money, which was -lbrit- ori ; the express - * -condition that it should be placed in the hands of ; ! -the Collector of fEithes^Captain'Elhbws, and be paid ;*■ but as required, solely for the purpose of finishing ''■* the railway to Lake Wait-a-bit ; andthe completion ' -of this railway 'afforded 7 the only hope to the Little ■' of escaping starvation; the public loudly - f-clamoured forthe works to be recommenced. (They hkd been permanently stopped owing: to the absence of f^r.y]Fa*ustus differed from t^eirviewof thbca§e. MrVßumihy themud-stocker, hkd xinderjt*»kenj j the task of making a road through the rofetf^ immortalized hy the. clay

canal, tight-ropes, "' bundles r of straw,^ -and chevaux-de-frise. He decided on bridging the. mud. , The , bridge or rather causeway beirig only v tWb 'feet wide/it was objected that ft was rather too narrow for most carts— but Mr.: Dummy rephed i-that-^" It was designed for the "horses, not the carts, wliicli could travel 'outside' of/thbV'ciiuseway. It was .the carts. which caused,the,w.ear, and tear.".^.But the, mud .._ being deeper thai the, axlotrees, it was found that' the causeway became s ihjrired by contact 1 with the' axles, and; a. proclamation; fwas issued, forbidding , , the; rise of, any vehicle, but wheelbaebows. To ; continue this cbriceptibri bf . his pet* Stoker seeiried justly to Dr. Eaustus i of more^ importance. than finishing that paltry railway,; and r he. resolyedpto appropriate the' loan **&*> this purpose, but met with an .unexpected obstacle in'lCaptairi Elbows, who 'declared with frightful asseverations that — " He would be blowed*'if he ; wbuld T allow it ;! '" / Dr. Faustus was disgusted ; and .so is ,\ i . ; . : ,°, ., . .! eosco. ;l .