LETTERS FROM LITTLE BRITAIN. XIII.

Southland Times, Volume I, Issue 21, 19 July 1864, Page 3

LETTERS FROM LITTLE BRITAIN. XIII.

After an interval, hiterminable to a' bereaved, nation, of eight months' dm-ation m the eye ,of a dispassionate chronicler, — the beloved, the adored name ofFosco once more gladdens the heart 'of an admiring world, and the veracious pen of Fosco is.' once more employed in the history of his adopted r land. Had, indeed, prosperity for ever attended the fortunes of Little Britain, that mighty pen had -been for ever at rest ; but misfortune has fallen on '.'the, land and' all turn 'for aid' to Fbsco — to ME| L - The sihfulcauseof ihylohg silence has fled, and ther voice of: humanity:—- the- voice of mercy —the' voice of duty— alike_entrcat, - " Fosco ! Return ! Punish not the innocent with the guilty ! " Was Fosco ever deaf, to the call of duty? No! Breathes there a Little Briton ignorant of the reason of Fosco' a absence ? Surely not. Old, young, and certain-aged all know that a benighted sinner had the inconceivable folly to use the signature of Fosco to a , column .of painful balderdash, wliich he . blasphemously termed — " Letters from Little Britain, No. 13"!!!!! Who shall describe: my terrible Indignation on beholding the miserable abortion ? . The united efforts of Miss Braddon, Mr. William Shakespere, Mr. Wilkie Collins, and Bishop Cblenso, were powerless to depict it ! My words struck a chill into every heart — -" I leave Little Britain for ever," and, regardless of tears and 'prayer?, I went. But retribution swiftly followed the faithless one. He fled from public execration, but remorse still pursued. "Letter, Number 13," ever haunted him. The Heavens seemed to frown " Number 13 ; " the Sun to glare " Number 13 ; " the Moon to grin " Number 13 ; " the Stars to wink " Number 13 ; " the-lion to roar " Number 13." Driven to desperation, he was regarding his razor with fixed and vacant stare, when he was interrupted in his fell purpose by a truly pious dissenting -J preacher of the " real gospel," by whom he was converted from the errors of his ways and into a true believer. Fired witli his new zeal, he soon afterwards went to labor as a missionary among the naked savages inhabiting the fertile valleys at the South Pole. There he is still working; his ministrations have been attended with wonderful success, having, already induced the natives to wear clothes once a week, and to practise cannibalism only every other day. My last letter, No. 12, contained the proceedings of the Vestry Parhament, in their session of October, 1863. The first subsequent event, of importance was the disagreement between Dr. Faustus and his Cabinet, which arose as follows : — -It will be remembered that tlie Provincial Stoker was personally odious to His Super-illustriousness, from liis having been at one time suspected of the authprsliip of these veracious letters, and the Doctor began to . mentally devise the best method of ousting this objectionable functionary. This he managed skilfully : — He decided to abolish the office of Provincial Stoker, and institute instead two new stokerships, viz. — the Stoker of Public Amusements (to be held by the late Provincial Stoker), and' ih& Stoker of Mud. Tlie alteration being duly gazetted, it was suddenly discovered that the Stokership of Public Amusements was a sinecure; it was struck 1 off ; forthwith, and the unfortunate Stoker turned out. But, alas ! this little personal gratification proved an expensive luxury to Dr. Faustus; from that point date his Ministerial troubles. Now came tlie grand question — With whom rested the ,- patronage ?. His ...Supeivillng-;. ti-iousness was at no loss for an answer. " With ME." But, unluckily, each' bf-.the three. Ministers made the same reply, and, behold a promising subject of discussion ! Prerogative ! ' Charles I. and the Parhament, de.no.vaJ-. , Mr., Dummy, the Consulting Stoker — wlibse duties "(at £2,000 per annum), consisted of a- r two -mile j ride once a' month — had nine younger sons employed on the Government staff, at average salaries of, £500 a year, and expected the immediate arrival of his first-bom. In this gbritleman'Dr. 'Faustus perr ceived the fittest man for the post of Mud Stoker, as his salary of £1,500 would" "raise"the joint, income of the Dummyjlamilyi to,] the/round sum of £8,000 a year, avoiding these tiresome fractions. Dr. Faustus accordingly: bbservejl^bfhis Ministry, •j'lt would appear that Mr. Dummy would make the best Mud Stoker, -arid'! intend "tb Appoint him." This tho Ministers frantically, opposed, and declared, with loud clamor,-'' -'that " the appointment was theirs, and they wouldbave whom they chose" His Super-iuusti-ipusjiess,/ who was leaving on a Continental-tou^^nulebl v graciously, and replied, " It would appear, that you are in the wroflg ; but,be it as. you please. r Haye ,Ihe^good,--ie'ss' 'to fi: gi%' ,f 'Mß''ietter 'fe'Mß^D^my/'bii^'his arrival.*?!; ?;; QDelightedJ :atu,this7:: easyrfvictorypithe., aniong. themselyes r ; but I griovo to say, there appearec!' alamehtable differehce'bf^bpinibhaixtbng* I theso estimable gentlemen, and it is whisperej.;

that; several severe pugilistic encounters ensued^ f befbre.cth&3^biht;waslsettle'd;t, i f&fe::bx^ leayhig-the-Council- chamber all more or less -dila- - pidated. Mr.-Dunrmy ..a^riybd;,- /The, tnp^e was handed to hiiriV^He opeiietl it."" '"Ah! thank you, my appointment, ,l. seel '"7 , . A piercing i and unearthly sniielc' 'burst; * from ''the 'sfrohg'-tnefL- in :&e*ir agony! They wei-e - deceived, bubbled, beiopLED, SOLD j-,r s Mry Daniel Grammers^furiopsly twh-led hfs L ibng m Ms ? tacKe,-wliile ! hiscoHfeagues'— Mr. Cowhide/and Mr. William Steady, not being blessed by nature)with|phnilaiv adornments, gazed 'at Mm with envying eyesV and were reduced tothe common-place expedient of tearmg.their luxui-iant. ( locks^ J ■Pobr MrfSumhiy, iefrinbd&tthehvfrahtic i ■gestures, and homfied; to'haye. 'fiillent among such '(furies, made a hasty 'exit,' "and jvlfen outside the ,dobr knelt down and said a'devbut Aye Maria, for^ r -liis el^peTlCTiMs'Wiblebhsul'tih'gl' gtbker7ahdihis faijaily were secured^hehv^SjOOO^a-ybar, iv spite of factious opposition. rVS On'-tlie a^tm^ofst[i)r^•EW^stus; ! the'Ministers•all , ' "rushed into his presence, and vehemently declared hejhad,grossly,insulted r '.theni, ; and anustigiye: tp s each/the/ "'satisfactibn. of a, gehtleman,":,tlie r chbice] j of j weapons/ beiu^,,. of cbprse, left t9 .bhn,.a's^ the. ■ chaliesged'/.. The Dbctbr/chose an.' unexpepte^. one,, , , asf\^ii "jjejs'een. -. Striidng//liis^&t;,^ (witli* such force; thai/'a,himiber of ', ments iumped up .^aiid' ' llew put , pf . ,tp/e , , . wlieii 'they were lminediatele" apprppi-iatod/ by .the, : ,smaU boys outside,) His ' Super-LTustribushess ' roared, ; V, And is. not this a : greater , jnsult ? .; .. jl> epart,'traitors; orivNTh. summon tlie,headsman, and you'.le^yp^thisi'ppmjfpr-.th^ bipckJ,"? Wholly unprepared tojiear the 'axe ;as the,-,- weapon, ■ the ,Cabmeteb.egan.r to., waver,- and, became BobAcreish, the/smahremaiu§, pf.th^ir courage rapidly : " oozing, put^ of,,,thehv : iiiigerSv .ends." ,, Eh-st one slipped 4 "; away, then - . .another, "and finally His Suppr-lßustripusnessj was left, in iindisputed pos- ! session of .the garrison:- .;■ „,;,,,.- ,-,.; Ministers resigned. - ; The Vestry Parhament assembled, and devoted/a jfchree -inonflas' session to the discussion of tMs^U^mpprtant,,point-r-patrona^^ formation pf a new Ministry at first seemed idiiiicidt, all : tlie 'member's "' \ having, ' : diiruig" "Dr. ; 'Eaustus' absence, pledged -themselves not to acIcept office undcivliim ;• butoh his return,. cvbiiy one hastened to. explain .7' h) was. only as . a f , mafctei- ' of lorm,' yb'u' Iriiow I"' and 'displayed the usual r alacrity in 'scrambhrig for " places/ His^ ■' Super-lUustribusness : first "sent' for" ■■ Mr."-G6wh'ide, ! who was "Prime Minister for the space 'of"one : hbm' and five minutes, when he ' became nervous and resigned, bringing forward the folio wirig important Bill :— '"'Dr.' Faustus,' ,: " '" Little Britain, 1861 — "TbC. Cowhide: - ' "Tb labor done; as' Chancellor of the £ s. d. Exchequer, for one libur and five I minutes, at £500 per annum, ... 0, 2 4 i Who could ; doubt the proper man tb succeed him? '/Who could so' worthily fill the place, as the Illustrious Usher of the Birch' Rod, the great Squeers. Mr. Squeers became '_ Premier, and although, in the absence of Fosco and his restrain- . ing power, the speeches were distressingly prolix, .andjthe session ;,pamfully protracted, it at length '(terminated, and the new Ministry — Messrs. Squeers, . Cowhide, and Samuel. Blunder — commenced operations. Tb'c 'bti'dget'' showing a deficiency of a mhlion sterling, — another million was unani- , mpusly. ... voted, -,^one^. senator justly, observing i ," The time to spend money is when we have got hone.-' Ifvve-had'gbt any cash we should have to pay the bibs, but having got none, we can't be expected to pay what we haven't got." Accord- • ingly all the salaries were raised, and several -new bqrlhs appointed. The trivial question of revenue was overlooked by the Vestri>y Parhament, in their cojnstaut arguments on the far more weighty matter bf the patronage. The latter was admirably arranged. The Ministers were to.seZectf tho officials,! - and Dr. Faustus to be responsible for them. Was ;nbt this brilliant stroke worth a thousand such trifles as finance? Surely, y es. The Ministers, however, being perpetually dunned for " small' accounts," were driven to consider the best means of obtaining the. filthy lucre; and, after much cogitation, a grand idea suddenly illumined the . gigantic brain of the immortal Squeers, resulting in the master-stroke of genius to be described in my next letter. All .these details would be tedious and prosy, Were they not written by * fosco.