ACQUAINTANCES AND FRIENDS.

Southland Times, Volume III, Issue 49, 29 February 1864, Page 3

ACQUAINTANCES AND FRIENDS.

(From the Saturday j&evieio.) -- , ; There is a very common confusion of ideas between acquaintances and frienda, which not only gives false notions of society, but results in a good deal of conceit and harsh, judging. Some people are always -wondering and regretting that acquaintances do not turn into friends by a sort pf natural growth or transformation} -while others affect to despise aoquaintfinoos becaxiso they are ; not friends, and, therefore, not worth having. Itvtali and in theory, " move " noquaiat|«Tf"^i as they aye oalled, are disparaged. 065^}? is thought, a ivordlyiiih^^mnncieea ih&»& jb m> snv6v tisst; of •^ofldliness with a good many minds thitt'thftt persons should accept society fpu "wllai it is— -the intercourse of acquaintances ,r~and' find pleasure sin it. To know many people, and to know them mainly through v^jieir open and palpable qualities and gifts— tiD like their company, without curiously in- - ojuiring whether the existing- superficial sympkthy may be forced into .deeper and more i?itimate< "of feeling— is supposed to i^plf a frivolous, a cold, or a wordly temper. I'liis sentiment is embodied in so many representations of life— from that of the austere $>>ofessor who /denounces dinner parties ibeeause the guests are apt to take an airy" and Cursory view of things, and to abstain from ( probing • into - each 'other's "profounder convictions, - and . -who.-; would confine every social demonstration-, to tea-meetings' of a very few friends' of identical habits and feeling, down- to that of the, toper who sings, over his cups, /'only rgive him his friend and his glass, all the rest of the world may go hang"— that if may be called universal. That is, it is universal .; as a sentiment, for it is incapable of being really put in prac-' tice. Everybody lias acquaintances, could rill spare them, and' is really greatly indebted to thcmreven though there may be no choice of _ the relation ever changing into that of intimate friendship. Persons are not -worse than we are because entire symyafchy is incompatible between our natures and theirs. Yet, when people talk and write of acquaintances in contrast with- friends, there is generally a growl at the hollow world, as though the grumbler stood outside of it. No such thing. The* world may bo hollow, but this is not a necessary proof of it. It is no sign of its hollowness that men who meet one another on certain understood terms .of guarded approach do not get neai-er. Our friends may be- hollower, less sincere, than our acquaintances, and yet may suit us .better — may reach a different, deeper, more intimate part of us, adapt themselves with a nicer fit and adjustment to what is peculiar and characteristic in us, and be bound to us, and we to them, by a stronger, more exacting, and more sacred tie than acquaintances, however estimable. It is clearly necessary to establish the generic difference between friendship and ordinary social intercourse before we can settle the claims and duties of each. Once grant that mere aeqiiaintanchsliip is a good and irrofitable relation in itself, though developing into nothing closer and wanner, and we shall see that a great deal that has at all times been said on this subject is unjust as well as impracticable, through the neglect of proper distinctions. It is through our circle of acquaintance, so far as it is at once wellchosen and extensive, that we realize our duties as citizens, so to say — that we derive j our knowledge of mankind, and learn the j claims of our own class, and what we owe it — i that we acquire propriety of manner, and independence of thought. Acquaintance is, in fact, the medium through which we sec the world, by which we touch it and become cognisant of public opinion. If it were possible for men to have none but intimate friends between them and the vast system at work aroxmd them, they would degenerate into every form of crotchety eccentricity, overbearing tyranny, or enervating dependence. But it is quite clear that this external social connexion, to be of mutual service, must be under quite, different laws from those which regulate friendship ; and this is just the distinction which prosy moralists, or moralists when they are prosy, have refused to acknowledge. From our childhood we have read denunciations of society as heartless and ungrateful for letting its members slip through, and pass out of sight, under the touch of misfortune. The popular, picturesque illustration of this in story books used to be the easy, careless, amiable spendthrift, who, after lavishing his fortune upon his so-called friends, was, in the evil hour, deserted by them. Now friends are not the?, sort of people men ever do lavish fortunes upon. The spendthrift wished to make a figure or to enjoy himself, and collected about liim whoever would further this end. But it was really the fault *of the spender/ not of the world, that he,,< should drop through after his money was gone. The assumption was preposterous, that after his own means were wasted, his acquaintance should make all straight by giving hitn- theirs — which was the moral apparently pressed xipon our raw and perplexed judgment. Acquaintances are not called upon to advise one another on thc:v private affairs. They have not data to go upon, to judge of prudence or imprudence. Ou this point each man must take care of himself, and do his duty to society by- setting a wise example. It is not really heartless to refuse to share our possessions with every man with whom we have interchanged dinners ; aud altered fortunes may act as a separating influence without any just charge of coldness on the more fortunate party, because there has always been a tacit understanding that the intercourse is subject to certain conditions. Towards acquaintance men act in their corporate capacity as members of society ; while friendship is strictly a tie between two contracting parties, with which society has no right to interfere. Of course people act upon this view of: the difference between tho two relations; but if they act . under a coufused idea that there is something insincere and hear bless in, it all the while, they are likely to lie heartless and insincere. They shuffle, and shirk, and fail in the kindness and- tenderness which belong alike to every form of intercourse. In fact, people are often unfeeling, and even^ cruel, to old acquaintances, because they fear that sacrifices wliich are only due to friendship will be expected from them . If it were true that it is hard-hearted and hollow not \o hold by acquaintances through every turn of fortune, every change of circumstances, and every difficulty that tune throws in. the way, then the fewer of them we form the better; and some people, in argiiinent at least, arc quite ready to act upon this principle, and to confine their society to those whom, in an exact sense, they call friends. But in fact, in the true meaning of the word, : people cannot have many friends ; nor will ■ they have any more for rejecting acquaintances, nor "be any better morally ; while intellectually they will- miss a great freshening and polishing influence on human nature, which requires for its development popular and general intercourse, as well as j>articular intimacies. In defending society from the charge of being necessarily hollow, by showing that its ordinary intercourses are not founded on false pretences, we are not denying that they may be unsatisfactory. It is ': unsatisfactory that appearances do not go for all they seem to the unitiated, that reality eludes men's grasp, that all people who reflect . on their position find something illusoiy and infirm in their hold of tilings. Certain it is that .there is no complaint more universal than tho want "of a staff of real friends. People cannot understand how, friendship heing so human a thing, there should be so little of it. They perpetually attribute the defect in their own life to circumstances, and generally with a show of reason ; and all that can be said is that circumstances w.bieh seem so trivial, or so peculiar, or bo accidental,

appear to be in this matter a tmitersal agei^H Tho cry, after all, does not coins from^ «^H affections. ; It springs from the dteaifle to. bei^M jiving; acting^ necessary part' 1 of thVworl4§i^M which we find ourselves. Nobody really fee^^H himself to be substantially what he seem^H People who are called 'fin the world," and ar^M looked upon by their distant friends as in th^H turmoil 'arfVneart of things, feel themselvjs^B excluded* from the mystery and the seraet ofJ^H >aIIL The people they live arid act wi|h, anc^H •with .whom they; are identified as one, p'orhapl^M exoluaive, comniunity, show them only theij^B outside. They stand loose from thorn; thej^H never really toiich; they are conscious of illv^H sJon arid slipperiness, of a sort of impostorcj^H Thosfs who have never felt the excitement -of^B being part, of what they ; seer of owning. a-pla^^H in the afttive; social fabric, wonder ; hour, itt^B their sleepy circles, acquaintance does not g?oyfc^B into something -warmer through the mere laps^^B of years— how the solemn, dull, stated meet-^B ings should not, througli, mere friction and;^H contact, kindle into something genial. JHope-vfH less aspiration ! for there is no greater impos-S^B sibility'- than ; that a twenty years' guarded ■ acquaintanceship, should, under any conceiv-^H able circumstances, phange : into; friendship, oi*|H even into active unrestTained sociability. : •!;■ This impatience and repining is natural ia H the young, whose hopes are alive and their ?^| impatience all a3tir on every new acquaintance :: ;H out of whom imagination can ".construct *J> i;H castle or a vision."' XTntil experierice;has done .;H its work, there is something intolerable to ;»■ ardent temperaments in facing "the slight. .;■ tenure which'thcy really liave on all they see ? ■ — the little hold.they have, or are ever likely »■ to have, on what they take! society .to be. To 3 be attracted by people, to meet them^at stated a times, but always with some impediment tor v any effusion of .thought - and sentiment— to ~;i make, no way — to find the same friendly cor- j diality always; succeeded, when the occasion is"; -if past, by the same indifference— disgusts themy "/ ■and make's them rail, not. of course, at tin's ,j particular instance j but at the society which 3 permits such things,, and holds congenial souls ;| back from ,the thrilling , pleasures ■;o > f. : .a ; rcal^ encounter. They are apt to thini ttheirr r elders ;i cold, ; and 'spoilt hj the world, who resign X themselves to things as they find them, ; are less exacting from fate, and; expect ..nothing "^ ; from society but what it gives. They cannot 5 understand persons who can; enjoy an agree- ; able acquaiiiariee though the periodical meet-: ings go no further* and who learn'to be satis- " -^ fied with tho refreshment and variety as far as they go,' without expecting deeper satisfactions . ; from such intercourse or any fjindamental changes in their daily life—rwho can estimate pleasant people at their full value, yet reconcile themselves -to'- the" conviction that their choicer gifts an d warmer intimacies are not for them. Time shows us 'all that a' man may have much. ; in -him: which suits us and fits in with us -in matters of general inter-, est, yet be wanting on all points necessary for ( private satisfaction. ' These public qualities are good and worthy ones; and it is fan* that they should- have their arena and 'be/esteemed at their tr : ue value, though the; same "mind may have inferior, or, to , us,; iittcrly uncongenial elements. : Moreover, we learn by experience :that there are: real; substantial good qualities which yet :, fit j people rather for acquaintances than friends, %, because -these qualities are constantly clogged ■ with some ; alloy wliich tells xipon close intimacy. Thus brilliant conversational powers are inestimable in an acquaintance, buflhave certainly their drawback in a friend; and a good, grasp of general subjects, or wit,. or polish, or grace of manner are compatible with; particular intellectual wants and defective sympathies which might, and constantly do, detract ; from their charm and disqualify for friendship. Again, there is a diffusive benevolence and general good nature, incapable -of distinct preferences, -■ but quickened into activity by. cheerful scenes, which makes " nice " people . and desirable acquaintances, though, for our part, we should not look to them in the emergencies of .life. Indeed, a host of natural deficiencies nilay .be kept out : of -sight in : guarded intercourse, and we may be .only gainers by what general society fosters and brings to light. So far, there is no " hollowness" nor. . worldliness in those .who accept society for what it is : — a scene" where all are on their good behaviour, and in a position to * show their more agreeable qualities, and< to . keep the rest in the' backgi-ound. "When people, through habit and deadness to higher tilings, grow satisfied and content with acquaintances only, and have lost even the yearning for anything deeper or more intimate, then, of course, they become open to the charge of hollowness. But this , is . not the , occasion" to talk of club of BoncL: street loungers, dowagers, old stagers, men - about town; and professional diners out, who in one sense know hundreds, and'in. another have hot a friend in the world ; though many of these folks, whom itlie 'young, affluent in hope and in inherited friends, ■ contemn '• as heartless used-up worldlings, are. friendless, not from incapacity for friendship, but because none except acquaintances are left to thenr-at at a -time when friends are not to be had for, the wish. It is wonderful what one of these old fogies now and then turns into- 1 — I what heartiness he will develop when circumstances give him a chance : though we own the transformation is a rare one. : What we would say is, that, acquaintances, . and acquaintances only, can awaken certain feelings and do certain .things foiviis. Ip is precisely because we* do' : not Idiow^ them ihti- • mately, nor they .us, that this service is rendered. Society, as it "is conducted in highlycivilized and artificial Communities, requires great powers of reticence, selection, and selfcontrol in those who mix in it. Inexperienced persons, on finding themselves suddenly part of it, are almost certain, if: they throw themselves into the scene at all, to commit themselves by over-energy of expression, by too earnest a tone, by showing parts of themselves for which this is not the fitting sphere ; . and, ,\ on becoming conscious of this difference between themselves and those' around them, a sense of resentment is awakened against a state* of tilings which has made then.* sincerity and warmth appear outre, and perhaps ridiculous. But the necessary -„ repression of what it is delightful to impulsive natures to express, is really a check upon vanity and display. Every person accustomed to society feels that he must not obtrude even his most heartfelt convictions too forcibly, where it cannot be done without also obtruding himself. . The light, passing, superficial treatment of subjects, -even of' interest in r mixed circles, does not imply, as some suppose, that people have not profound convictions wliich, elsewhere, and on what seem to them fitting occasions, they can "express with both the force and warmth their importance demands. It is only that-expe-rience has taught them that the republic of society will not aud cannot stand dictators, and that the unrestrained liberty . of speech of one would be the subjection- arid \ suppression of the rest. People may fancy themselves - superior who will ■go nowhere where they may not speak their minds, and who shuu all' that are not of'their own way of thinking. But they miss a- discipline which might make them of service in then* generation ; and they also miss the taste of thatexhilafa'ting' yet . unselfish pleasure .which minds open to the influence of society can alone experience through the genial contact of numbers — • • "that- pleasure the mind seasoned withhumanity naturally feels in itself at the sight ■ of a multitude of people who seem pleasedwith one another, and partakers of the same common entertainment." • ■ •