NUMBER SIXTY-EIGHT.

Southland Times, Volume III, Issue 27, 8 January 1864, Page 2 (Supplement)

NUMBER SIXTY-EIGHT.

\(Fmta'All tho Year Bound.) The 9.30 p.m. train had left me on the platform of the Carlisle station ; I was on my way to Glasgow, ajid had resolved to break the journey by sleeping at the Railway Hotel, ' because it had. a convenient entrance from the platform. As I was seeing my luggage put on a truck, a middle-aged portly man, of gentleman-like manner, and with, a fhie full voice, came up to where I' stood, and commenced an elaborate search, aruoug the pile of baggage for a trunk he had lost— a black trunk. with white diamonds on it. He expressed himself vexed and distressed at' having lost it, and seemed quite unable to determine what course to pursue. I sympathised with him, and went /with him to the telegraph- office, where he telegraphed to Dover for the lost luggage. " What hotel do you go 10?" said the stranger, in a deep rich comfortable voice. I replied, "To the Railroad Hotel, as I leave by the 6.15 train in, the morning for Glasgow." "That is my train, and my destination,'' said the stranger ; "so I will go to the same hotel." He was a stout man, standing above five feet seven, neatly dressed in a dark frock-coat, lemon-colored Marsala waistcoat, and black neckcloth. He wore the sharp-sianding collars of the last fashion but one, and carried an umbrella, a telescope and an sir-cushion in one hand, while the fingers of the ©ther hand played with a heavy steel watch-chain. He was a man with large well-defined features, bushy eyebrows, and a rather coarse but humorous mouth. When he lifted his hat, I saw that he was rather bald, and had a scar high up on his left temple^ " Beds ?" said the lady at the hotel bar, running her finger up and down a large black multiplication-table, covered with white figures, with mysterious keys hanging below each of them, like fruit on the' stem. While she was pursuing this task with the air of conferriug a favor rather than of welcoming her guests, the stranger, who had nlready introduced himself to me as Mr Thistlewood, whispered in my ear : " Do the Custom-house officers take bribes ?" I saw, of course, that he meant this as a joke, and I laughed. "Of course not," I said. " They'll pass oui" luggage directly/ Mr Thistlewood was evidently a born humorist, for not the slightest return smile dimpled his face as he replied : "Well, so 1 thought; they'll search it more completely, I suppose, when we get to Tibet." Excellent satirist; he meant to •ridicule our absurd Custom-house restrictions, and to glance incidentally at the speed of modern travelling, a3 if Carlisle were only the first station on some great and perilous journey we were about to undertake. " Sixty-seven and sixty-eight, John," said the lady, handing the keys to the porter, who instantly shouldered my trunk and began to ascend the staircase. 41 Would you order dinner, sir," he said, as he let the portmanteau drop at the door of 67. " Dinner for two/ I answer, glancing at my new friend, '*' and as soon as possible.''' " What'llyou have, sir?" " Soup, a whiting or so, and 3. roast fowl." "Exactly," said my friend. " Sorr}*, sir," said the porter to Mr Thistlewood, "that there's no glass in your room, sir ; chambermaid broke it yesterday ; get you one directly, sir." " No, no, no, no," said my com paniou, rather irritably. " I never allow glass in my room. Bring a glass, and I leave the house/ As he said this, he smiled at me, as much as to say this is a joke of mine to startle the porter. " Oh, of course not, if you don't wish, sir/ said the porter, shutting me in 67, and leading Mr Thistlewood into No. 68. To wash, dress, and put on slippers after a long journey, is a great pleasure. My room, 6.7, had a side-door opening into 68, and as my washing-stand stood near it, I could not help hearing my eccentric friend talking to himself as he took off his boots. All that I could distinguish, however, were these remarkable words : — " The discrimination of logic by Jack Sheppard, as the homology of thought, from psychology, as the pheuomenonology of mind, as Dr. Johnson very truly said to Tippoo Sahib, will not hold, Shalabala.'' This shalabala was shouted so loud that I thought it right to answer the humorist, or actor, or ventriloquist, or professor, or whatever he might be ; I tapped at the door. " How about Tibet now V replied a voice ; and then there came a curious chuckling -laugh, and the question, " Do you understand conic fluxions V "Not a bit," I answered, "and, what's more, I never, even heard of them." "No more did Hegel," he replied, " till the Bampton Professor came and .proved by arithmetic that Moses was wrong about the height of the Pyramids." What inexhaustible fancy. There was a tap at my door. " Dinner's ready, sir/ "All right," I 'replied. "We'll be down directly." I was down first, and Thistlewood. was not long after me. The soup came in, and my companion superintended the tureen. - '"Soup?" said he. .^'X nodded in the affirmative. "Do you profess ontology or dentology.?" said he, " for as X took off my boots just now it seemed to me that you

were one- of those persons who would smile at the baseless dialectic of Plato, and deride the irrational logic of He gel. Waiter, you've forgotten the bread — stale ! Pardon me, sir, but I am an enthusiast, as you have perhaps already 1 , guessed." " A great humorist," I said, laugh- , ing, "and a man of science, lam Sure." " You're right, sir, you're right," said my friend, rather vociferou-Iy/' " Cayenne pepper, waiter 1 I have devoted years in my professors rooms in St Bees, to studying the solar spots, and the causes of the sun's heat. I have also only yesterday discovered a clve — to what do you think, sir ?J- Tell the cook, waiter, there is too much salt in this soup." : : ; " I really cannot guess. No, thank you, no more soup." , „. ■ "Perpetual motion, -that's all," said my eccentric friend, eooly, as he removed tie cover of the fish. •' ■>■' I'll explain it you in a moment with pieces of bread. This crust is t>, that is a rod fixed by one end to a beam supporter, while these bits of crumbs, A, B, and C (this big one's C), are three pair of levers, forming a parallelppidon ; this spoon is D ; the piston-rod attached to H, the salt-cellar ; this knife, E, is the hot-water pump connected with the parallel motion at F ; this fork — '' I suppose I looked rather wandering, for my new friend here took mercy on me. " I see," he said, "You don't follow my definitions. 1 will explain it better after diuner, with French plums and a •clear table — leg or wing? 1 ' My friend was a master-mind ; that was quite evident. How could I expect to followthe flights of such a mind. "Potato?" "Thank you." " If was I," he said, " who invented Papin's digester, Arnott's stove, and the Argand lamp ; but they've robbed me of them all. It was I who discovered the plan of water-tight bulkheads, the paddle-box life-boat, Eley's cartridges, and the percussion-cap; but they rob me, sir, of everything — glory. Three per Cents, real del Monte, Mexicans, everything. They'd burn me if they could, because I anticipated them with the sewing machine, the oyster supper, the screw boot-jack, and the apple pip crusher." " You're not the first inventor," I said, laughing at the eccentric variety of ray friend's studies, " who has been robbed of his due fame. Look at Galileo." "I knew him/ said Thistlewood; "he lived in St. Mary-axe, and sold stationery. He was of a green complexion. Some more fowl, sir V The naivete of this remark made me laugh in spite of myself. "if you please ; a drumstick will do. I presume, from that remark, you entertain some eccentric notions about transmigration ?" "Of course I do. I call all men who die, divers ; they return, but 1 know them again ,• different names and professions ; -but, Lord bless you ! the same faces and manners. Oh, I've got my eye on the divers ! There's a butcher lives opposite me., fat, square face, little eyes, like a prize pig, stands straddling at his door, with his hands on his waist. People call that man Jackson, of No. 33, Whitechapel-rOad. Who do you tbink he really is?" " Can't guess." I "Henry the Eighth; simply Henry \ the Eighth. Nero is a prizefighter, 1 Francis the First is on the Stock Exchange, Socrates keeps a cheese shop on Ludgate-hili, Tamerlane writes for a Sunday paper, Marlborougli is now an omnibus conductor. Oh, I've got my eye on them ! '' I nearly fell off my chair laughing. " llobespierr? cuts hair, Louis the Eleventh is a dissenting minister, and Bossuet edits Hood's works. Oh, I know them — I know their faces — they can't deceive me." Here the conversation dropped, for the waiter brought in some sherry we had ordered ; when we had helped ourselves, had nodded and sipped our wine, this extraordinary man asked, " Were you ever up in a balloon ? " "I never had that. pleasure." "A pleasure, indeed, said the enthusiast ; " but I once had a most remarkable escape. Some villian, jealous of my fame, substituted fulminating mercury for the sand usually used for ballast. Luckily, I was taken ill the night before. The man who went up in my place (by a Special Providence), when half a mile high, just over Lambeth, was blown to a cinder ; his watch fell in a garden near Norwood, and was given me as a keepsake. Here it is. . You observe the dent on the right-hand side? That's where ifc struck a milkman who was walking up to the back door at the time." "I don't see the dent," said I, looking closely, "but here is the name of the maker ; that's Dent." [ Mr Thistlewood exploded with laughter. "Oh, you sharp fellow," he said, 1 " you see in a moment when I'm drawing the long bow. Pass the I wine." That insatiable tongue began to tire. The'day's excitement and the fatigues of the journey began to tell.. We both grew silent and sipped contemplatively. .First I yawned, then my friend yawned and looked at;; the candies jon the side-board. Then .we lighted jap again about the Ainerican^.war^-^bb.u.t/ the wrongs of Poland, about Mexico/ about the cruel amusements now in vogue, about sensational books, and other matters.. Finally, .we jwent upstairs together, and shook hands at my bedroom door. I had %lown put. the lights and was ;jusVtumbling/;into: science smp^l^e,:^,f}) ad Uforgptten ito xv i n d 'u p tiny^a^tf i^U^^Ss tangly jbpeiied thy oedrbbm door; , jii^fe-lighted/ my candle at the .ijttiV blue jet' of gas

burning in the corridor ; then going back into my room and shutting the door, I took down iijv coat and searched my pockets for my' keys. I: dived, and brought up Bradshaw, a pocket-hand- !■ kerchief, and a rumpled ball of paper, which, being smoothed out, revealed itself as an ill-treated copy of the Times. As it lay before me on the drawers, just as I was bending down to blow out the candle, ray eye fell on an advertisement at the top of .the second column ; seeing the words " Caution to Hotel-keepers !" ,it remained rivetted there until I had devoured every syllable. The terrible advertisement, that seemed suddenly to turn my heart into a large lump of ice, ran thus:— ; " Caution to Hotelkeepers ! \ " An Insane Gentleman of middling stature, stout*, rather bald, black hair and bushy eyebrows, dressed in black frock-coat and Marsala waistcoat, carrying a few papers, an air-cushion, and an umbrella, is going about seeking 'accommodation with anybody who will trust him. He has no means, and is dangerous. Information as to his discovery, given to Mr Oxford, newsagent, Clerkenwell, shall be rewarded/ Good Heavens ! thought J, as the ! paper dropped from my hands, a danserous maniac in the room next to me ! Shall I alarm the house? No; that, on second consideration, I thought unadvisable, for should I be mistaken in my companion's identity, I should lay myself open to an action for defamation, false imprisonment, or some other horrible thing of that kind. Besides, madmen were only dangerous, I said to myself, under provocation, and on thfir special topics. He might fancy himself JKmperor of China, or a land turtle, a washing-basin, or a cucumber; but there was no great harm in that ; no, I would shake off these fears — perhaps, after all, utterly groundless — lock the doors, and sleep soundly until Boots called me for the early train. Once away in the train, I could easily crossexamine my companion in such a way as to elicit his insanity, if it really existed, and could then act accordingly. I determined, however, before going to bed, to reconnoitre ; so I stole quietly to ths door of communication between the two bedrooms in order to listen. I put my ear to a chink and could hear a drowsy voice, as of a man almost asleep, droning nonsense-verses and weights and measures. Thus : " If A is to B What D is to C, According to Bolm's deductions, Then F is to me I What O is to P ; That's my theory of conic fluxions." Then the voice stopped, like clockwork run out. A moment after it continued, more drowsily : "' Ten gold itekebos equal ten gold copangs, Fifteen mas equal one itchebo, One oban equal three copangs, One kodama equal fiteeu condorines, One managoga equal ten thousand ickmagoga, One tattamy equal " Here the voice stopped, and a tremendous sonorous snore followed. The man was mad, that was evident ; but he was harmless, and he was asleep. I felt in the darkness — for T had blown out the candle — for the key. There was none ; so I contented myself with quietly placing two chairs in such a way as that no one could open the door without moving them and awaking me. I then took out the key of my own bedroom door, placed it under my pillow, and jumped into bed. For some twenty minutes T sat up listening to the heavy snoring of Mr Thistlewood. I then lay down, fell asleep, and dreamed. Presently a low creaking noise awoke me, and I started up in bed. Yes, it was the maniac ! There were the chairs moving slowly back, and there was the door opening wider and wider. Well, he might be restless and curious and yet mean no harm ; he might be sleep-walking, and yet be amiable and tractable. My bed was far fr <m the door, so I turned my head towards the door, rolled it in the bedclothes, leaviug enly one eye clear, and lay as still as a mummy. I The door opened, aud Thistlewood entered oq tiptoe. He was in his long nightgown, but there was nothing else spectral about him. He had his boots on, his face was red, and his smile was as pleasant as ever. It was just daybreak, and the cold pure grey light showed him clearly to me as he pulled up the blinds and looked around with great curiosity but perfect composure. j He was talking to himself. | " Kepler," he said, " you invented the pendulum. Bacon, you discovered | turtle-soup. Humford, you invented ! the patent shaving-box. But you are all fools compared to me, for I discovered the egg-whipping machine, the oysteropener, the knife -cleaner, and Betts's brandy/ All of a sudden, the reflection of himself in my pier-glass caught his eye, and- the sight of it seemed to drive him to fury. He lifted his right foot and drove it through the glass, which shivered it into a. thousand pieces. Then in -a. moment he broke the legs off two chairs, and shattered the second glass over the fireplace. "I know you," he cried. "I know you ! You have been following me {about for' years ; you dog me every'where./A see you in the sunshine,; in the ;. moonlight,, on ; 4he(Vj"falls, on the ceiling, m>th^>^quariu.m/in the.shopwindovys, evefy where, and everywhere. I will- thus beat and smash you, hellborn image of myself !" ' As he said this, he pounded the fragments almost to dust, : danced on them, and-iaughed as they splashed round him. Then, seizing r a 7 huge hatchet-shaped fragtaent 'ot\ plafe-gjass, he cried, look- : ing,; towards hiy'bed :— " But where is that wretch who de-

nied last night that I invented perpetual motion? It was he who filled this room with images to vex and dog me. Stop; I'll go aud get my razor ; it'll do it cleaner." The moment he darted into, his own room, I leaped -out of bed, rushed into the corridor, and quietly locked my door on the outside. Then I tried the key in his, and finding it fitted, I locked lm door too. I heard him scream and howl, drag Sown the bed-curtains, and rush at the door, and -kick, and thump, and cut at the wood with his razor, as he cried : — " Forty days I have been in the .wilderness. Newton, let me out, arid bring me a 'boiled pelican ; Kepler, some brandy-and-water ; and tell the laud lord, Flamstead, there's a man run away here without paying for his bbd. Cut his throat, i tell you, for he says 1 can't discover perpetual motion ! '' I ran to the end of the corridor, where some twenty fyells r.ung. I beat on them all, till every person in tile hotel came to my help — landlord, waiters, chambermaids, ostlers, guests, everybody. I told them of my narrow escape, and of the madman, and we then arranged to secure him — -by flinging blankets over him when we opened the door and rushed iv. We did secure the man after a tremendous struggle, for Ilis strength was superhuman. We then tied his hands behind him, and sent Yor the police to put a strait-waistccat on him and take him into custody. Next day his keepers arrived, and took charge of him. It appeared that he was a professor of St. Bees; a scientific inventor, who had gone mad partly from over-study, but still more from being rejected by a lady. Ever since tnat rejection, he had taken it into his head that he was so superhumanly hideous that no one, male or female, Pcolild bear to look at him ; and he had in consequence taken a marked hatred to all mirrors and lookingglasses, which he made a rule of destroying wherever he found them.