MYSTERIES!

Southland Times, Volume 2, Issue 98, 7 October 1863, Page 5 (Supplement)

MYSTERIES!

WHAT I HEAR AND SEE IN JDUNEDIN WHAT I HEAR AND, Don't SEE, WITH OTHEB AIATTEES CONNECTED THEREWITH. (From the Dunedin Weekly Observer) The editor of this paper has, in the kindest and most liberal manner, given me permission to record ray opinion of things in general as regards this city, and my observations upon the people resident therein ; not omitting the suburbs, which, in my opinion, have been greatly neglected by the reporters. I could not tell the reason — I am particularly ignorant of my own peculiar idiosyncrasies — but I had long felt that I knew a thing or two, which thing or two ought to be generally diffused and made known to society. Two days ago, about high noon — or, as some of the community term it, '' beer time,"— and when I was expeperiencing all the pleasant sensations which arise from the effects of a glass of Bass's No. 3 New Brew upon an unvitiated palate, I came across the editor of this paper. We saluted, and my heart being full, I requested to know whether he Wanted "contributions" for the Observer, which without doubt, I added, would be the observed of all observers. I don't know what others may think, but I am of opinion that I said something here considerbly smart. At first he looked a positive negative, then his features appeared to relax, and he broke out into a smile as cheerful as a bunbeam falling on a full blown buttercup in a meadow. " Can you write ? " said the editor. " I should rather suy so," I replied — -"Stood the competitive examination in the old country. Good round hand, cross every 't,' and dot all the *iV" "Never mind your ' t's ' or your ' is, " said my friend (for I now venture to call him such,) " Can you — are you able — what 1 mean is, can you — you know — express ■" "Express my seutinaents ? " said I, finding the appropriate word for his meaning, "Yes, lean." "Then teil me," he said, " For I am fearfully and wonderfully puzzled to know, is there any harm in a glnss of ale at or after twelve o'clock in the day?" "None in life," i exclaimed emphatically. " Then why," he asked rather solemnly, "do men in Dunedin drink their beer behind a machine in some establishments comparable to a fire screen, in others to a Venetian bliud, in several an apparatus which combines both?" I was staggered. "Here, in this city," continued my interrognter, "the roughs take precedence in the parlors and snuggeries, but the 'smooths' drink at the counters, under the cover of .shelter-boards — why is it so? Speak?" I could offer no explanation. " Then," he replied sadly, " you may know a thing or two, but you do not" know this. Answer me now, did you when in the presence of a landlord, ever ask him what he would take to drink?" "Certainly I did; scores of times." "And did he drink?" "Certainly," I answered, with emphasis. " Undoubtedly ; in fact I generally ask a landlord to drink when lie's there and I'm drinking myself.'' There was a cloud upon the brow of the editor, but a smile played around his lips. " Did you,'' he said, " ever go into a butcher's shop for a joint or a chop ?" " More than once," 1 answered, quite puzzled at what he was driving, "In fact, numbers of times." " Did you," he said, and here the smile irradiated his whole countenance, " did you ever ask him if he would take a lamb's fry, or a sweetbread, a kidney, or any delicacy of a like nature?" "Never, I assure you, Why should I .'" "You have bought groceries, I presume V returned my inscrutable friend. "Yes — why?" " Because I desire to know if, while you were buying your sugar, whether you stood a fig to your grocer, or candied lemoo peel, or anything of that sort? Airain, did you ever, while ordering a tin of biscuits from your baker ask him to draw himself a roll ? You did not, you say ; theu account for such a mysterious system in the order of things, why we make so vast a distinction between the hotelkeepnr and the butcher, baker, aud grocer ? I pause for a reply." Of the " thing or two" I knew, these abstruse theories did not form a part, and I candidly admitted my ignorance. " I ouce," continued my Interlocutor, " stopped at an hotel in which the barman appeared j to be a remarkable favorite. He was ; always being asked what he would take, \ and his invariable answer was "rum shrub;" and he took it glass after glass, from morn to noon, from noon till dewy eve. "My young friend," I said to him one night, "you appear to be a great favorite with your customers, and most deservedly so, ] think : but how you stand so much rum shrub surpasses me to tell. You are never inebriated, but nevertheless I fear from your appearance you are becoming dropsical.'' "Dropsical, perhaps,'' he answered, "but inebriated, never. 1 ' " Ram shrub is a potent liquor, is it not?" I asked. "Three glasses will make you as drunk as a lord," was the answer I received. "How then," I said, "do you manage it V My young friend stared at me fixedly, then closing oi\e eye for the space of about two seconds, he gave it daylight, and closed the other. Afterwards he laughed a silent laugh, accompanied by a chuckle, when sideling close up to me, he put his mouth close fo my ear, and whispered " Toast and Water." He then immediately retired to the far end of the bar, and without uttering another syllable, commenced washing up tumblers. "You may know a thing or two," continued the editor, " but you can now add something to your stock of general information." And so we parted ; but I ; intend, notwithstanding, to Write upon a thing or two very shortly.