Storyteller.

Southern Cross, Volume 1, Issue 38, 16 December 1893, Page 13

Storyteller.

“TWO GENTLEMEN OF YERONA. <l Did you know Ed Harmon and Clarence Farquharson down there at Hie university ? Well, I want to hnow. Why, they are the best boys an Verony, and for a little place Yerony will show up more fine fellers than any town I know of. ‘‘Fine-lookin’ fellers, ain’t they.? ** Don’t know which is the bestlookin’. Some fellers think Ed is, smd some think Clarence is. I presume Ed’s folks think he is the bestlookin’, and Clarence’s folks think lie is. “ Both of ’em are fine speakers. .Don’t know which is the best. Mebbe ]Ed is the best and mebbe Clarence is. Z presume Ed could speak ‘ Marco JBozzaris ’ better than Clarence, and -that Clarence could lay out Ed givin’ * Spartacus to the Carthaginians.’ ‘ Both of e’m are good hunters. Don’t know which is the best. Ed is good; so is Clarence. I presume that on his father’s farm out in Minmesoty Clarence would kill more rabbits than Ed could, but up round Yerony Ed would git more pa’tridges than Clarence would. On a bear, one of the common black kind we liave up ’round Yerony, I presume CUarence would be the best, though mebbe he wouldn’t; but if one of ’em Z>ig cinnamon-bears took after’m, Ed would be the boy to fix him, I think, though mebbe he wouldn’t.

“ Great fellers to smoke. Don’t know which smokes the most. Mehbe Ed does; mehbe Clarence does. I presume that up to Farquharson’s on Sunday afternoons Clarence would smoke more with his meerschaum; hut out campin’, with lots of ’sketers jround, you can bet Ed would use up tobacco with his old briar. “ Great fellars for athletics. Great wrastlers. Don’t know which is the best. Mehbe Ed is ; mehbe Clarence J presume If Ed got Clarence foul with an under-holt, and Clarence was kinder unprepared, he would put him on his back ; but if Clarence should jump on Ed when he warn’t lookin’, git his arms round him before he knew it and sort of twist him over 3£ke, probably Ed would go down.

“ Both, of ’em are dressy fellers. IB very night at seven o’clock they put on their Prince Albert coats and ?go np town. But it ain’t to see girls. They swore off on that, and I will tell yon why. “ It is several years ago now that 3! went to work for old man Dyapringer in his general store; Dy■springer & JBookins is the firm since 3 went into partnership; but Dyspringer run it all alone then, and I was only a clerk. I lived at his 3ion.se with him. He kept a pet bulldog at the store nights, and had me sit the house. He said there warn’t nothin’ a desperate character would try to get down to bis store, the most valuable things bein’ six-dollar pants, while up to bis house was all 3iis cash and silver-plated ware, and lie wouldn’t risk the bull-dog’s life guardin’ them valuables against the kind of villanous and determined men that would come after ’em. He liad a daughter, old Dyspringer had, a, good-lookin’ sensible girl, and Clarence and Ed were both after her. I had always known Clarence and 35d, so I wished ’em good luck, Because whichever one got her would git a good wife, and fall heir to a large and varied stock of clothing, hardware, soap, hair-ile, and everything else the inhabitants of a town like Veron3 r would likely to buy.

“ I watched the courtin’ and sometimes I thought Ed was ahead, and sometimes I thought Clarence was. One day Mary—that was her name — asked me which one I considered was the most suitable for matrimony. I told her I couldn’t tell, as two more evenly matched I‘ellars in the virtues and vices I never see. The only way I could think of decidin’ would be to .have seme sort of trial, she to be the prize. She asked me to name the kind of trial, but 1 was so unsettled in my mind about it that I couldn’t

name one. I couldn’t think of any kind of trial in which either of ’em was best, and one of ’em had to beat, you know. “ ‘ Have ’em shoot at a mark,’ said Mary.

“ ‘ That might do,’ said I. ‘Ed is a fine shot with the rifle, and Clarence ain’t; but Clarence is such a blamed lucky fellar that he generally beats Ed.’ “ ‘ Have a shootin’ match,’ said she. “ Course we had to do it, and 1 put up a dry-goods box with a black bull’s-eye on it out in Saunder’s cow pasture. Ed hauled oft' and shot, and there was his bullet-hole right in the bull’s-eye. Clarence aimed ; his gun wobbled every which way, but what did he do but send his bullet right through the same place Ed shot. Never see the beat of that feller’s luck. Ed started out to claim that Clarence never hit the box at all, but I knew he did. His gun used a smaller bullet than Ed’s, and it went right through the hole without touchin’ the sides. Gosh! but Clarence was lucky ! “ Well, everybody in town heard about the trial, and old man Dyspringer did too. He said he warn’t goin’ to have his daughter made ridiculous, and he ordered Clarence and Ed to keep away, and tried to marry Mary off to. the Presbyterian minister. Mary told me she wanted another trial.

“ ‘ I love them boys, and I don’t know which one I love the most,’ said she. ‘ Clarence is such a good, true feller, and Ed can tell such interestin’ lies. I kinder think Clarence likes me best.’

“ • Jest because he sent you a twenty-five cent valentine. 1 know how much it cost, because he got it out of the store. Who kept sendin’ you candy hearts with “ I love you.” “ Dear, sweet as this candy,” “ Fair charmer.” and such things on ’em in red letters ?’

“‘Well, Clai’ence takes me out drivin’, and asks me if I don’t wan’t to drive, and Ed only goes horseback ridin.’

“ ‘ Well, Ed ain’t got any suitable carriage to ride—nothin’ but that old buggy lopped ’way down on the left side, where his grandfather Biggars, the fat man, used to ride home from town with a couple of kegs of beer on the seat beside him, gradually transferring the contents of the kegs and disturbin’ the balance of the buggy springs.’ “I’ve got it all fixed. Pa don’t allow them boys to come here now. I want you to git, old Judge Beasly to come here at ten o’clock to-morrow night, prepared to marry me to Clarence or Ed. At quarter of ten I want you to tell Clarence and Ed. to come here, and that I’ll marry him. The first feller that gits here gits me. I don’t want either of them to know that the other has been asked, and I’ll know that the one who comes first likes me best. Pa goes to bed at nine. I’ll stand in the winder lookin’ out of the hallway upstairs. You can put a ladder up to the winder for Clarence or Ed. to climb up on. You can put a ladder up to the piazzy roof. Beasly can git pretty near the winder on the piazzy roof and perform the ceremonies from there. I want you to come right back here after notify in’ the boys, to assist me in calmin’ pa if he wakes up.’ “ Early next day I notified the judge to be on hand ready to marry somebody. He was willing to do it, business bein’ slack, and got me to advance him a dollar on the marriage fee, and I knew that’by ten that night lie would have drunk all the liquor a dollar would buy. At a quarter of ten I found Clarence and Ed. playing dominoes at Jackson’s store, and I took each one aside and told him to come on out and get married. “ ‘ I must go home and put on my Prince Albert and shave first,’ whispered Clarence, and he skipped for home.

‘ I must g’o home and put on my Prince Albert and shine my shoes,’ •whispered Ed., and off he scooted. “ I went back to Dyspringer’s and

told Mary I had obeyed her orders. Heasly was there, asleep on the piazzy root, and I was afraid he would fall off and spoil things. Mary was mad about the fellers not rushin’ right out out to her house. t“ he said they cared more lor Prince Alberts and show than they did for her. After a whi e I see one of 'em come into the yard and stand at the foot of the ladder, but 1 couldri’ tell which it was.

“ ‘ Who is it P’ asked Mary of me. *1 want to know who I’m marryin.’ “ ‘ Mebbe it’s Clarence, and mebbe it’s Ed. Looks kinder like Clarence and kinder like Ed.’ “ ‘ Can you tell from the clothes ?' “ ‘ Clarence wears a Prince Albert; so dees Ed. That straw hat with a black ribbon looks like Clarence’s, but the ribbon on Ed.’s hat is dark blue, and that would look like bhek «,t night.’ “ ‘ Who is it ?’ whispered Mary to the feller. “ ‘Me,’ he whispered back. “ ‘ Can’t you tell from the voice ?” asked Mary of me. ' 1 don’t want to ask if it’s Clarence or Ed., because I want whoever it is to think I never thought of marryin’ anybody but him.’ “1 ain't heard either of ’em whisper since we went to school. It kinder sounds like the tones in which Clarence used to whisper “Now’s your chance,” when we used to throw pertaters at Jim Osgood, sittin’ in the front row, when teacher warn’t lookin’, but it also reminds me of Ed’s hushed voice when we used to rob your pa’s melon patch.’ “ Qh dear, what am I goin’ to do ?” groaned May, aloud. That w r oke old Beasly up, and he said, sharp like, ‘Join hands,’ and Mary was so startled she slipped her hand in mine. “‘ I pronounce you two man and wife,’ said Beasly, ‘in virtue of the authority vested in me,’ and he lighted a match. ‘Why, it’s you, Bookins. You are the feller. Wdl, I’ll make out the papers, and they’ll be at the office.’ “ Well, I was married, and I didn’t care. Mary didn’t care either. She said she was tired of foolin’ ’round dryin’ to decide between two fellers. Old Dyspringer didn’t care either. He said he was glad Mary manned a sensible feller like me, instid of a couple of blamed dudes like Clarence and Ed. I never knew which of them boys was the maddest. Sometimes I think Clarence was ; sometimes I think Ed was.” —Harper’s Weekly.