A PULPIT TELEGRAPH.

Southern Cross, Volume 1, Issue 35, 25 November 1893, Page 4

A PULPIT TELEGRAPH.

Many plans have been formed by ingenious ministers to establish communication with the sexton. Ibe Rev. Mr Cam, a popular Presbyteiian minister, in one of the United States, invented a system of signaling his sexton which had very marked merits. He caused a wire to be run to the sexton’s jjcw where it was connected with a pair of leather-coated iron clamps, so constructed that when the wire was pulled the clamps would gently pinch the sexton’s leg. The wire ran underneath the flooring of the meeting-house, and the clamps were concealed under the sexton’s seat, so that no one except the minister and the sexton was aware of the existence of the sacred telegraph. It was found to work beautifully- When the ministei wanted water Ik jmlled the wire once. T. wo nulls meant that he wan+ed to speak to tlie sexton, and three pulls “ turn up the gas.” The congregation wondered how it happened that the service went on so smoothly, and that the sexton always did the light thing at the right time, but tuey were

destined to make a painful discovery of the true state of affairs. On the last Sunday in June of this year the sexton brought with him to the morning service his middle-aged maiden aunt, who wss paying him a brief visit, and whose heii he hoped to be. By some unexplained accident he forgot all about the signal wire, and showed the aunt into the seat which he ordinarily occupied, and was obliged to take another seat on the opposite side of the aisle. Directly behind the aunt sat Deacon Brown —one of the pillars of the congregration —an aged man of the most unblemished character.

The minister had begun his sermon, and had just finished the exordium, when he felt thirsty, and signalled for a glass of water. To his surprise there was no answer made to the signal. Probably the maiden aunt was more surprised than was the minister, for as soon as she felt the soft pressure of the clamps she started in great alarm, and, turning her head, the innocent deacon a look of indignant virtue. The latter betrayed no sign of guilt, hut continued to gaze steadily at the pulpit with a peaceful and happy expression of face.

Presently, the minister, thinking that the sexton must have failed to understand the signal, pulled the wire again. The maiden aunt, with her cheeks glowing with rage, turned once more to the placid, unsuspecting deacon, and whispered to him that “ he’d better behave himself, or she’d let him know.” The good man, thinking that a lunatic was in front of him, paid no attention to her remark, and in a few moments was wrapped in the sermon. By this time the minister, becoming extremely thirsty, gave the signal for the sexton to come up to the pulpit. What was his horror to see, instead of the sexton, an infuriated maiden aunt rise to her feet and fall upon Deacon Brown with her umbrella, with an evident purpose of exterminating that inoffensive man. Of course the sexton rushed to the rescue, and dragged his aunt away. Though the mystery of the clamps was subsequently explained to her, the explanation only turned her indignation from the deacon to the minister, who, she said, deserved to be tarred and feathered. The upshot of the matter was that the sacred telegraph was removed, and the minister now preaches without water, and is combletely cut off form his sexton during the service.