HUMOROUS STORIES.

Shannon News, 27 November 1925, Page 1

HUMOROUS STORIES.

A fond, if reckless, father gave his small daughter some cherry brandy after lunch. “Darling! Darling! I hope it hasn't made you feel ill?" cried the ( horrified mother. “No, mummy," I 'se very com'f 'able It's lovely. Just like central heating!'' answered the beaming child. The following story is told of a ceremony' at -which the King and Queen were present, and at which the local mayor and mayoress assisted. Their Majesties signed the register, first the King, then the mayor, and then the Queen, who, of course, signed “Mary R.'' The mayoress, who followed, evidently thought it would be a lack of respect to put her full name, for she signed “Ethel A.'' “Why, my dear man, already my poetry is being read by twice as many people as before. “Oh—l didn't know you were married. '' . “This is a Diplodocus, one of those primeval monsters which existed on the earth millions of years before the appearance of man." “Diplodocus? Well, if it existed so long before the appearance of man, how dp you know that that is its right name?'' A curator of a certain Zoological Garden was on holiday. He received a note from his assistant: “The chimpanzee is sick. He appears to pine for a companion. We don’t know what to do pending your return!'' 'The Sunday-school teacher was talking to her class about Solomon and his wisdom. - „ “When the Queen of Sheba came and laid jewels. and fine raiment before what did he say?" One small girl, who evidently was wise in'such matters, replied promptly: “Ow much d'yer want for the lot?" Cockney motorists, riding near a farm orchard, stopped the car, got out, climbed the wall, and gathered half a peck of apples. * To complete the “joke" they slowed down as they went by the farmhouse, and called out to the owner: “We helped ourselves to your apples. Thought we’d tell you." “Oh, that's all right," the farmer called out. “I helped myself to your tools while you were in the orchard." Pat and Mike went for a walk. Pat, who was the shorter of the two, could not keepuip with Mike's long strides, and after a while began to get very tired and out of breath. “Sure, Mike," he exclaimed, “do ye always walk as fast as this?" “Yes," replied Mike, “and faster than this*»when I'm by meself." “Indade!" exclaimed Pat. “Sure, and I wouldn't like to be walking with ye whin ye're by yerself, Mike." They were the only two occupants of the compartment, and one of them, a surly-looking man, had opened the window, despite the protests of the other.

At length the aggrieved one removed himself to the other side of the carriage and threw open the window. The surly man shivered in the blast. “Here," he sqid, “what's the game?" “This is ' replied the ■other, “and it's your move." - A Scotsman' visiting London was invited by a friend to have a game at cards. After playing several hands the Scotsman found himself the loser by some thirty shillings, and mournfully rose from his chair. “Don't ,go yet, old man," begged his host. “Stay on for have a spanking ham." .' ’ - “Nay, nay," replied ' the visitor, sadly. “I couldna eat thirty shillings' worth of ham." A mean man went to a well-known artist and asked the latter if he would paint his portrait for ten pounds —cash down I The artist complied with the request, but when the portrait was finished nothing was visible save the back of the sitter's head. “What does this mean?" said the man, indignantly. “Well," replied the artist, “I thought that a man who paid so little wouldn't care to show his face!". Jack had returned to his ship apparently the worse for drink, and the officer of the watch was testing his sobrietyIn order to do so, he told Jack to repeat after him “The Irish Constabulary extinguished the conflagration." Jack stood for a moment, and it seemed as if he were unable to cope with the task he was set. Then, with a smile of triumph, he blurted out: ‘ ‘The Irish coppers put the fire out!" ' The daughter of a country rector taught'the choir boys a new tune at a Monday evening's practice, to be sung on the following Sunday. “Well, Hobson," she said to one of them on the Sunday morning. “I hope you haven't forgotten the new tune, for wo depend much on you." “Naw, miss, not a bit! I've bin askeerin' the crows with it all the week!"