WITS OF THE CHURCH.

Shannon News, 29 October 1924, Page 4

WITS OF THE CHURCH.

SWIFT AND HIS PEEKS. He who lias the gilt of humour possesses the golden key to the gates of other folks’ hearts and minds. Clergymen are not generally credited with appreciating the humorous side of life, but in the world of wits there have been many notable exceptions. And these 'have found that an honest humorous sense is a great help to holiness. What could be wittier than the retort of Archbishop Magee, or York, to Gladstone, who met him one day in Pall Mall, and remarked: “I hear, your Grace, that you do not quite approve of my dealing with the Irish question.” “Ah, no,” answered the Archbishop. . “It is not your dealings thkt I mind, Mr Gladstone —it is your shuffling that I object to.” The G.O.M. passed on without a word. The Archbishop was one of /the greatest orators of his time. In IS6B he was addressing a great meeting in St. James’s Hall to protest against the disestablishment of the Irish Church. An enthusiastic opponent, in the hope of distracting the speaker, kept interrupting with inopportune shouts of “Speak up!” “I am already speaking up,” came the Archbishop’s reply in his most dulcet always speak up, and I decline to speak down to the level of the illmahnered person in the gallery.” It was Archbishop Magee who was credited with the well-known saying, when a waiter dropped some hot soup down his neck: “Is there any layman present who will kindly express my feelings?” He will be remembered also as the coiner of the phrase, '“I would rather see England free than sober.” He was once the guest of a rich man, who apologised to him because there was nothing but water on the dining table, adding, however, an assurance that he would, find a little wine in his bedroom. Some time afterwards the rich man was invited to dine at the palace, when the Archbishop whispered apologetically: “Though there is only wine on the table I have arranged that you will find a little filtered water in your bedroom when you retire to rest.” It was this witty Archbishop who declared that there were three kinds of preachers — fi.rstly, the preacher you cannot listen to; secondly, the preacher you can listen to; thirdly, the preacher you cannot help listening to. When Sydney Smith was Canon of St. Paul’s in the thirties, the corporation of the city raised difficulties in regard to the cost on being petitioned to have the approach to the cathedral paved with wood-blocks to deaden the noise of the traffic. The witty divine replied: “Then the dean and canons have only to put their heads together and it will be done.” Sydney Smith said of marriage: '‘lt resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated, often moving in opposite directions, yet always pursuing any- 1 body who comes between them.” Sydney Smith once unexpectedly met his match. A messenger who was sent to deliver a gift of game to him performed the task in a very uncouth fashion. The Canon undertook to teach the boy manners, and, sitting him in his study, he proceeded himself to make the presentation. The urchin received the birds graciously, and in return tendered half-crown and walked slowly away, leaving the church dignitary to draw the obvious inference. ,

j Equally famous as a wit was Jonathan Swift, Dean of St. Patrick's, Dublin. He once preached a charity sermon, but the length of his discourse irritated many of his hearers. This came to 'his knowledge, and it falling to his lot soon after to preach another charity sermon, he took special care to avoid falling into the same error. His text was: “He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth unto the Lord, and that which he hath , given will He repay 'him again.” The Dean, after repeating the text in a more emphatic tone, added: “Now, my'beloved brethren, you hear the terms of the loan. If you like the security, down with the dust.” One Michaelmas Day Dean Swift had ordered a goose for dinner. He took the cover off the dish, and noticed that the bird had only one leg. Suspecting his butler of taking the other leg, he said: “Pat, how comes it that this goose has only one leg!” "But, sure, your reverence, geese have only one leg. There is nothing strange in that.” “Nonsense,” exclaimed the Dean. “But,” insisted Pat, “I will prove it next day we are out driving." Shortly after, in driving past a goose farm, the servant directed his master’s attention to a pond round which were many geese, each standing 'on one leg. , “There they are, with only one leg,” said Pat. “Ah, but wait,” said the Dean, clapping his hands, and thus bringing down the missing legs from under the sheltering wings. “What do you say now, Pat?” he asked. “Well, Mr Dean, why did you not clap your hands and shoo at dinner the other day, and that fellow no doubt, would have put down his other leg?” A clergyman once applied to Bishop Stubbs, of Oxford, for leave of absence for three months to enable, him to visit the Holy Land. The ißshop’s reply read: “My dear —, go to Jericho. —Yours ever, W. Oxon.” It was the morning after a banquet, and a solicitous friend, who sat-by Bishop Stubbs the evening before, happening [to meet him in the street, asked whether he. got home all right. The Bishop looked surprised at the question, but at.once replied: “Oh, yes, thank you; it was only my boots that were tight.” Travelling with a great many small parcels and books, Bishop Stubbs alighted from a train at Oxlord. Hailed by a porter with the remark: “How many articles, my lord?” the Bishop promptly retorted. “Thirtynine, of "course.” Spurgeon once asked a student for the ministry to preach an impromptu sermon on Zaccheus. The student .got into the pulpit, and proceeded:. “First, Zaccheus was a man of small stature; so am I. Second, Zaccheus was very much up a tree; so am I. Third Zac-