SPARKS.

Shannon News, 26 September 1924, Page 1

SPARKS.

"It is wonderful now Nature , provides for the needs of mankind."

"I quite agree with you. What, for insta'ace, could be more (Convenient than ears to hook one spectacles over?"

She: "That wretch next door tnlw a stone through the window while I was playing the piano!" He: "Foolish fellow! Now te will hear you all the plainer!" Fare: "lona House, in Wellington Square.""*

Driver: "Do yer, sir—and what might be its'name?" Teacher: "What supports the sun i,. the sky?" Bright Boy: "Its beams,, of course!" Visitor: "But surely you are not going to allow your daughter to maTry that man ? You know he has done four years' hard labour!" Father: "The scou'adrel! He told me it was only two!" Interviewer: "What is your wife's favourite dish?" Husband of Ce-le- | brity: "In the magazines it is peachbloom fudge-cake with orange-wisp salad, but at home it is tripe and onions." A Scotsman said to his friend after a merry evening: "Do ye ken whaur Andy Graham lives the noo?" 'Whist!" said his friend, "Ye'ue I Andy Graham yersel." "I'm no' asking ye if ye ken Andy Graham," was the reply, "I'm askin' ' if ye ken whaur h e liyes." ' i Jinks: "Odd how one's clothes react on one mentality. Noav* when I'm wearing a business suit I'm all busi- i 'tiess; when I'm in evening dress, social matters occupy my attention, and when I'm in golf togs I don't think of anything but the game," Jenks: "And I suppose when you take a bath your mind's an utter blank." '

A bishop was present at a social gathering, and was surprised to be accosted during the proceedings by, a man, who exclaimed, excitedly: "My Lord, there is a .man going about wearing a college hood to which I am certain he is not entitled.'? The bishop suggested that it was not worth bothering about at- the moment. '

"Oh, yes," replied the man. "He is going about with a lie on his back. " "Would it not be enough to call 'it a falsehood?" said the bishop. The Arm of Golomon and O'Gullivu'a had plots" for sale in a hewly-plamu.d suburban district. .

O'Gullivan—young, enthusiastic, - and Irish—was writing the advertisement, the national eloquence flowing from his pen. He urged impending purchasers to seize the passing moment. "Napoleon," he wrote, "not o'nly mot opportunity, he created it!"

Mr. Golomon read this line in the advertisement slowly and carefully.

"This fellow Napoleon," .he said—"vat's the use of advertising him vith our money?"

Alice: "I hear Jack has broken off his engagement with Gladys. How did ,she take it?"

Virginia: "Oh, it completely-un-manned her."

Speeches at public dinners in Japan are made before dinner commences. Now we know what is meant by the Wise Men of the East.

A: 'ls the new movie star so very beautiful?"

B: "Not so very. She's about halfway between what she thinks she ,is and what her rivals say she is." ~' Kind Old Lady: "Poor man! You look as if you had seen better days." Willie Deadtired: "T have, madam. Once I dwelt in granite halls." "And how did yr>u lose such a home?" "My sentence expired." "Did you give the man the third degree?" asked the police officer. "Yes. We browbeat and badgered him with every question we could think of." "What did he do?" ' < ' "He dozed off, and merely said now and then, 'Yes my dear, you are perfectly right.' " A civil servant, who did not want his wife to know how much'money he had, hit upon a bright idea. He put his wad of treasury-notes in a'n official envelope and addressed it to a high official.

Even if his wife did find the envelope in his pockets, he argued, she would not think of opening it. One day he missed the envelope, and asked his wife if she had seen it. "Yes, dear," she replied, "I came across it in jfpur old coat. I've just posted it." '

A Yorkshire workman had been suffering severe pains in the body for several days, and eventually was sent by his wife to see a doctor, who diagnosed the case as threatened appendicitis. The man went home and called upstairs to tell his wife the result. "Ah'm bahn to hev an appendicitis," he said. "Tha'rt not," was the stern reply; "tha'rt bahn to hev nowt till Ah've got my new hat." ' . An old gentleman was recently tra- ( veiling by rail, and opposite him sat a I youth with remarkably long legs, . which he was very particular about digging into the other person's knees. On the arrival of the train at a big station tho long-legged youth observed to his neighbour:— "I thrnk I shall get out and stretch my.legs a little." "For guidness sake, man, dinna do

I that," said the old gentleman, "for . = I'm sure they're ower lang by a great :."* deal a'ready." ' ' ' ; Betty: Bobby Smith tried to kiss ? I me - 'r,* Mother: And what happened? .'= ". "He kissed me." " .'•': A certain lady had a lord for a *"/? guest. At dinner she was very atten- ,r« tive to him. Almost every sentence ■? was my lord, may I help you to," etc. "'. -'M , h Her little son, observing the lord 3« trying to get a pickle, shouted, "Ma, CdM lo God wants a pickle." ■