ANOTHER SKIRMISHING PLOT.

South Canterbury Times, Issue 2743, 7 January 1882, Page 2

ANOTHER SKIRMISHING PLOT.

1 (“ Now York Times.") No sciontific person lias ns yet noticed the difference between the European and die American goat. The former never butts except under extreme provocation, and even then his blow is comparatively feeble. Wore Europe to bo stocked with the free goats of the

Western hemisphere, whose spirits have not been crushed by monarchical governments, and who have never been brought under the enervating influence of Roman Catholicism, the Europeans would find that they had something to learn about goats. Switzerland is full of mild European goats which furnish round eunnon-hall cheese, the hard shell of which is due to the fact that the Swiss goats drink water stronglj impregnated with lime. Nobody ever hears of any “ difficulties" between these goats and the thousands of tourists who annually visit Switzerland ; whereas, were Switzerland inhabited by American goats, the loss of life and trousers among the tourists would be appalling. In fact, the spectacle of Englishmen and Americans propelled through the air by blows in the rear inflicted by mountain goats would be a familiar one, and the dangers of mountain-climbing would be so great that the Matternhorn, with other eligible places for neck-breaking, would be deserted.

The blow of the ordinary European goat is so light that he seldom inflicts any serious injury. Indeed, ho scientific person has thought it worth while to calculate the force with which the average English or Continental goat butts. On the other hand, onr goat strikes 3vith terrific force. Assuming a full grown goat weighs 100 pounds, and that his velocity at the time of contact with a human being is thirty thousand feet per second, we find that the momentum with which 1 he strikes is the same as that of a cannon ball weighing one thousand pounds and moving with a velocity of three thousand feet per second. It is estimated by two wellknown mathematicians—one of whom was butted across a field in New Hampshire and the other across a county in Illinois —that the velocity of the goat in each case was rather over than under thirty thousand feet per second, and that the force of the blow delivered was at least ninety tons to the square inch. This gives us some little idea of the terrible character of the American goat and of his dynamic superiority to the European species. In the recent excitement in England caused by the thieats of American Fenians of the O’Donovan Rossa variety, the fact that unusually large quantities of American goats have lately beeq sent to England has escaped notice. What these shipments mean, and what the Fenian skirmishers are about to do, may perhaps be surmised from a little incident which has just occurred at Xenophon, Ohio. There is a vacant field near the village in question which for the last two years has been tenanted by a large goat of unusual powers. Last Monday a local negro —one Cicero Hampton—was induced by two Irishmen, whose names for the present are withheld, but who are understood to have been present as delegates at the Chicago Dynamite Convention, to cross this field at about half-past six in the evening. A boy—the 3 oungest son of Esquire Wickham—was watching a watermelon patch in the neighborhood, with a view, as it is feared, to a raid later in the evening, and saw the colored man when he was half way across the field. The goat was close behind him, with his head lowered for a charge. As he struck the unhappy Ciceio, a tremendous report was heard, and when the dust cleared away not the slightest trace of negro or goat was visible. None has yet been found, but one of the Irishmen, after swearing the editor of a local paper to profound secrecy, gave him for publication a statement-fn ti.» -f.-* (’..4 t a torpedo 1 forehead, ; - ■„ the colon ■: a, , u I.a -a . ■ r.f,: 1 that it w .a v.- -a a ■:? i . a skirmisher ••fi. Empire b" id.ing !-«:<■ ,>• England, .-wo-h-udu «,.«• .'.nn-tien!. with dyiv=;! : u, a a / JV) their hea ’ This si i ■ ai-'s fiendish a; '.U,<\.rr e'e' ; .-c; to Liver]; ■; : • vmo ,>ve; ment in 1 Tia- h. liable to j mere -a ■ • ren who n, b-; pea, -.b; ki ;•>. ;onf the stret• ;t Ee;; si; vr.'r while he •.< U dw»i-?v wv.Ws; -.•bom he may a',. icb be wiii b ■ 0r,.-:.--pletely d:oyt-J that 001 'V- -d la.; will be i b vs u Hse JW re- Y-v' ;h , detective f- Terrible osefowov. will occm -.a vi.ru,; pa; re ‘;v , and all th it the sou w.” hnev will ! that at tet*- •••.•.mre. jf •> ••xplonur British iltlb VwfS.uiiiid. i*. C Olii suspect an apparently inoffensive go; „ of being the instrument of these out rages. It will occasionally be noticed that a stray goat of unknown ownership has vanished at the same moment as the missing citizen, but in all cases the goat will be regarded as an innocent victim rather than the agent in i\ scheme of unequalled atrocity. The skirmishing Irishman from whom tho Xenophon editor derived his facts claims that three thousand goats, lv, blowiug at least three thousand Brith-b subjects into another world, will -c terrify the British Government th t Mr Gladstone will be glad to do anything to pacify Ireland, though neitho he nor any one else will suspect Irifd men or any connection with the go outrages.

It will hardly worth while for tL steamship owners to take measures t. guard against clock-work torpedoes Their chief care should bo to prevent the shipment of American goats. If it be true that that the Irish skirmishers are really determined to send dynamite goats to England, we shall soon know all about the scheme, for they will hold public meetings for the purpose of keeping it secrete There is only too good reason to believe that the British Empire is near its fall, and that a few goats could easily knock it entirely over.