Page 4 Advertisements Column 3

South Canterbury Times, Issue 2515, 12 April 1881, Page 4

Latest Things in Boots. —Holes. Sound Investment.—A telephone. ■ Rifle Clubs.—Ga'gsof pickpockets Foot-and-mouth Disease. —Gout from gluttony. A wheat-field is the place to cereal prosperity. When iron has been exposed to fogs it is apt to be mist-rusted. The driver who lost his balance was supposed to have got out of his weigh. He sued for her hand before marriage, and her hands sewed for him afterwards. In back counties they are still labelling their verse productions “Poetry.” They have to do it, lest the natives mistake it for hogcholera recipes. The thrifty man will always put something away for a rainy day, even if it is nothing but a stolen umbrella. Evident.—Rider (on a very lean horse) : “ Some very good points, eh ?" Friend—- “ Seems made of ’em,” Conclusive. Customer: “ Waiter, this fillet of turbot is not as good as that of last Sunday,” Waiter: “ Oh, sir, excuse me, you arc mistaken. It is off the very same fish.” Opportunism.—Beau Brumraell used to say—“ I pay off a debt of gratitude when 1 can’t help myself, but I pay off a grudge when the other fellow can’t help himself." A manufacturer of glass eyes says that his products are now so skilfully made as to defy detection, Even the wearers of the glass eyes can’t see through the deception. Cheerful, Very.—Artist (to a porter)— “You carried my picture to the Academy and handed it over to the committee?” Porter —“ Yes, and it pleased’em mightly. It would have done you good to see ’em laugh.” A western quack advertises to “ treat patients by letter.” If the patient is afemalc, letter B would be the best letter for her—unless she is blind ; then we should suggest letter 0. A girl in Dublin struck her croquet partner on the head with her mallet j brain fever set in, and the young man nearly died. The girl was kept under arrest until his recovery, and when he did get well she married him, and now he’s sorry he didn't die. Overheard recently at a Continental Seaside Resort.—“ Charles, I hate this horrid surf ; it makes me keep my mouth shut.” Charles, sarcastically: “Take some of it home with you, my dear.” Master Tom’s Net Receipts.—Tommy went fishing the other day without permission from his mother. The next morning a neighbour’s son met him* asw-u----•Did you catch anything yesterday, Tommy ?” “ Not till I got home,” was the rather sad and significant response.