Page 4 Advertisements Column 4

South Canterbury Times, Issue 2509, 5 April 1881, Page 4

“ Guard, why didn't you wake me up as I asked you ? Here I am, miles j beyond my station I”—Guard—“ I did try, sir, but all I could get you to say | was, ‘All right, Maria ; get the children their breakfast, and I’ll be down in a minute !’ ” Board schoolmaster (desiring to explain the word “ conceited,” which had occurred in the course of a reading lesson) —“Now, boys, suppose that I was always boasting of my learning—that I knew a good deal o’Latin, for instance, or that my personal appearance was—that I was very good-looking y’ know—what should you say I was ?” Straight-forward boy (who had “caught the speaker’s eye”)—“ I sh’ say you was a liar, sir." In a provincial theatre, where Macbeth was being recently played by a clever man, who was also a great favourite with the audience, in the banquet scene he had delivered his words to the ghost of Banquo, “ Hence 1 hence ! hence !” when he dropped on his knee, covering his face with his robe, and shuddering convulsively. Just as the applause was over, ayosth in the gallery, carried away with the intensity of the acting, cried out, “ It’s all right now, Smith ; Jio\s ffonc,” Captain Jones (alluding to acquaintance who had just passed) Seems a nice sort o’ fellow, that Brown. You says that he is the riding master of the 120th Hussars?” Lieutenant Krutch : “No ; the veterinary surgeon.” Captain Jones: “Are you sure?” Lieutenant Krutch : “ Oh, yes. He’s got V.C. after his name, and I know he hasn’t got the Victoria Cross!” Many remarkable incidents took place at the last English elections, but probably no more extraordinarj’’ item occurred in any election agent’s account than in one furnished when Sir Francis Burdett stood for Middlesex : “ To extraordinary mental anxiety on your account, 2,500d015.” “I never argay agin a success,” said the late Artemus Ward. “When I see a rattlesnaix’s head sticking out of a hole, I bear off to the left, and say to myself, ‘That hole belongs to that snaix.’” “ I shouldn’t like to be an oarsman,” said Jones. “ Why not ?” asked Green. “ Because an oarsman has so many pull backs,” replied Jones: and then the two youths shook hands and went out to buy something. A fashionable young man has acquired considerable fame as a musical bore on the violin. One night at a social gathering he announced that he was going to send for a violin and draw a few of Beethoven’s immortal symphonies out of it, as it were. To his amazement nil the gentlemen present volunteered to go for the fiddle, and up to date none of them have got back with it.

Damson and Doldrum were bosom friends, they belonged to the same Melbourne club, shared mutual con fidences, and as each of their names commenced with a “ big big D,” their letters were put into the same rack. The one and only point in which they differed from each other was this, Doldrum was married and Damson was still a wild and reckless bachelor. One fine day a letter in a female hand addressed to Doldrum, was put into the joint rack. There had been many before, and as it was marked “immediate” and as Doldrum had not been at the club for some days, Damson in a moment of forgetfulness, redi rected it, and posted it to Doldruui’s private bouse. Mrs Doldrum received the letter from the postman, and as it was in a female hand, why her curiosity got the better of her, and she did as ninety-nine women would have done under similar circumstances —opened it. It was a case of Joseph Surface over again, the note came from a “ little French milliner.” When Doldrum arrived home in the evening and found the screen down—why—but you know how it is yourself ? A terrible fate has overtaken the son of a cordial manufacturer at a place called Urarnit, in Switzerland. He was seized with a howling mania which caused him to bark and howl like a dog. At last he became such a nuisance to the neighborhood that several citizens, watching their opportunity early one morning, secured a dog collar round his neck. Then, leading him by a chain, they dipped him in the sea several times, when he began to howl in earnest. Not content with this, they conveyed him to the dog pond, which was filled with hungrv mongrels, and tossed him in. When his father heard of the affair about an hour afterwards, and went to release him, all that could be found was a lemonade bottle, a tuft of hair, and a few bones, over which two mastiffs were quarrelling. So harrowing was the spectacle that the father immediately became a howling lunatic, and he is now under treatment for hydrophobia,