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South Canterbury Times, Issue 2371, 22 October 1880, Page 4

Scientific Fact.—The iron horse has but one ear —the engineer. Why is a miser like a man with a short memory? —Because ho is always ■for-getting. Doubtless. —The fruit vendors say that there is always room at the top for the big strawberries. For Members of Shakespeare Societies. —If all the world’s a stage, and men women merely players, where are the audience and orchestra to come from ? A Little Jesuit. —Son and Heir : “Ma, I wish 3 r ou wouldn’t leave me alone with baby, ’cause I have to eat all the jam, oranges, an’ cakes an’ things to amuse her!” Fortunate Mistake. —He looked all over the newspapers on the news-stand and, not finding what he wanted, said to the plump, pretty girl clerk, “I want a ‘ Fireside Companion.’ ” “ What,, sir ?” she blushed. “I want a ‘Fireside Companion.’ ”he repeated. “0, yes, sir; I hear you now,” and she chewed the corner of her apron. “ Well —well —do you think I would do ?” It turned out very happily. An Explanation.— Papa,” said he as he was shown soraepictures in a book Santa Claus had left him. “ Papa,why does camels have such big bunches on their backs?” The information received not being very satisfactory, he at length solved the difficulty himself. “ Why I know, papa,” said he, “ its so they’ll be camels,” Which must be the reason. A singular race took place at the recent annual regatta at Shetland. Shet-

land women arc noted for their ability in managing a boat, and Sheriff and AdmirarThomas, who was in Lerwick at the time, offered to act as coxswains to three strapping Shetland damsels in a contest between them and a crew of men from the Revenue cutter Eagle. The match was keenly contested, but ultimately was easily won by the Shetlaud damsels by over four minutes on a half-mile course. The Shetlanders, who used two oars each, pulled very

gracefully, i A Bashful Young Man. —He was a quiet, bashful-looking young man who got on the train at Hawlcyville in the East. To the gentleman who occupied the scat by the stove he said—“ Will you let me sit there ? lam very cold.” Said the passenger —“There are hot pipes under all the scats.” Said the f young man, in a painful whisper, and blushing as he said it —“ But its my feet that’s cold ” The passenger got up and went out and stood on the platform until Newton was reached. A Delicate Question.—“ Stranger, I . want to ask your candid opinion about a matter.” All right—go ahead. “ Suppose that you were my wife.” “ Yes. ” “ And that I should come home looking just as Ido now ?” “Yes” “What would be j'our strongest impression ? [ Give me your honest opinion.” The . citizen thus appealed to tuimed the man ! around, looked into his eyes, and stood 1 back and said—“ Stranger, is your wife i a lunatic or a fool ?” “No, sir.” “Then ! you’d better wait at least 10 hours before • 3 r ou go home, for 3’ou’vc been on a three ! days drunk, and she’ll spot you in a * minute ; I’ve gone home looking fifty • per cent better than 3 T ou do, and had | whole handfuls of Uairjpulled out of my * head before I could get my overcoat off.”