VARIETIES.

South Canterbury Times, Issue 2364, 14 October 1880, Page 3

VARIETIES.

For racing men—There’s many a slip twixt the cup and the “ tip.” Twelve French Canadian Catholics have embraced Protestantism, and have been received into the Baptist Church of Waterville, Me. “See here, Georgie,” said a fond mamma to her little son, as they walked on the beach, “ what a lot of nice little round stones.” “ Yes,” grumbled Georgie, as be cast a searching glance around, “and not a blessed thing to throw ’em at!” The English wheal crop is estimated at 3,000,000 to 4,000,000 quarters better than last year, though still perhaps 10 per cent below the average crop. Reports from Ireland are also favorable. The blight in the potato crop was arrested by fine weather, and the corn is ripened and the hay is saved. There are magnificent crops throughout Italy and South Germany, but very bad reports are received from Prussia and North Germany. At last the worm has turned. At Bega a man named C. Rasmussen sued a publican named Malden for £32 18s, amount of a cheque spent on a “ spree,” at Malden’s public-house at Panbula. Plaintiff said he gave his cheque to Maldon, and five days afterwards was told that there was only £1 left, for which he received two bottles of grog and 8s to go away. A set-off was put in by defendant for the full amount, part for refreshments and part for cash lent. The set-off was disallowed, only £4 being awarded defendant, for meals and horsefeed. A verdict was given for plaintiff for £2B 18s and heavy costs. The other morning at the Central Station Court a prisoner charged with drunkenness made such earnest denials that his Honor deemed it his duty to cross-examine the officer in the case. “ How do you know that the prisoner was drunk ?” he asked. “ Well he was trying to balance himself oh a picket fence while he made a speech,” was the reply. “ Hasn’t a citizen a right to stand on a picket fence if he prefers?” queried the prisoner. “I always make my speeches from the top of a fence —always.” “ Any other signs P asked thp Court. “He spoke about its being the glorious Fourth, your Honor.” “ Sposen I did ? Can’t a man be a few days off in his reckoning without being drunk ? I can’t lug an almanac around in my Ficket just to keep the run of the dates, presume I said the glorious 24th, but he maliciously misunderstood me. “ What else ?” When I went to collar him he said he was the great American eagle ? “ What if I did ?” retorted the man. “We are are all great Ameri* can eagles for that matter. Is it against any law of this land of liberty to be an American eagle?” His Honor hesitated; but finally asked the officer for any further sign. “Well, when I got him collared he said he wanted me to distinctly understand that he was a gentleman—a perfect gentleman—as much of a gentleman as any gentleman in town.” “,I can no longer doubt that he was drunk, and he is fined 5d01.” promptly remarked the Court, and the guilty man was ordered to fall back and make room for the next.

«if » as ted the late Professor Agassiz of his head student, “four quarts of whiskey will fill a demijohn, and four of those demijohns will fill four terriers what will the four terriers fill before the morning P” “ Four cells, sir, replied the ingenious youth. “Brother,” said the Dean ot Eastminstor to the Dean of Westminster, “ what does the prayer book mean by whirled [without end? Eternally, gyrated, I suppose” was the response « Antony,” said Cleopatra to her lover “ I attended Mrs Pharaoh’s kettledrum this afternoon. Now how do you think they started the wheel of conversation there?” “Some fellow spoke suggested Antony, as he placed ms on the mantel. “K. K.—kwite korrect, added Cleopatra.

Jones (an eligible bachelor, whispering tenderly) “ There’s too much music in this world, Miss Mary. I should have been married long ago if it hadn’t been for too much music! Whenever I’d screwed up my pluck to the pitch of popping the question, somebody always began to sing, and of course I had to——— —Chorus of Bystanders. “ Shshshshsh ! (Poor Jones is frustrated for the twelfth time !) iruncli.