VARIETIES.

South Canterbury Times, Issue 2360, 9 October 1880, Page 3

VARIETIES.

A classical man out in Venice, Illinois, has christened his cat “ Othello, the Mewer o£ Venice.” “In the bright complexion of my youth I’ll have no such word as ‘ pale;’ ” and with the complexion of an angel she reached for the rouge-box. Customer (in quest of a particular sort of cigar): “Are those these ?” Dealer (affably); “ Yes, sir, these are those.” “ I saw the picture of a woman who looks for all the world like you, in a down town photograph window to-day,” said a gentleman to his wife, recently. And before he had hardly got his breath she innocently inquired, “ who was it of —Mrs Langtry ?” When a Kentucky legislator appeals from the decision of the Speaker, ha never uses such ambiguous language as “ I most respectfully appeal from the ruling of the chair. ” No ;he remarks in the simple language of the south-west, “ Look hyar, yer pig-headed snide ! Wat I argers I ken back up. Draw yer weepins if yer ker to ; but if yer don’t back water on that e’er decision down yer go in yer tracks ! D’ye hear me? ”

Scene First-class bar in Glasgow, 9 a.m. ; enter party, who asks for and gets two gills of whisky in a bottle. Courteous attendant as he hands over the liquor: “This is a good mornin’.” Customer; Mind your own buisness so long as I pay for what I get: but at the same time, the mornin’s no’ a’ for masell.” —Bailie.

A man in Birmingham, a catgut manufacturer, has been found guilty of the practice of “ carrying dead whales about the streets, ” and thereby, as the Judge vigorously expressed it, “ stinking out the whole neighborhood. ” Daring a speech on the question of the education expenditure, the Hon Mr Waterhouse, M.L.C., referring to the army of teachers in the country, said, “We have 1773 teachers scattered throughout the community—people of intelligence and weight in the community in which they live. If they were united they would decide an election in the country. Parliament and government are at their mercy, and there is nothing to counterbalance them in the shape of private institutions. ” A man without arms was brought before the London magistrate recently for bigamy. The defence was that there could have been no putting on the ring by the husband (as enjoined in the Church Service), and also that he could not have given the wife his hand This was admitted, but the father of the first wife testified that she put the ring on her knuckle and that the bride-groom “ shoved it on with his teeth. ” “ That,” observedlthe judge, “ is not according to the "Rubric. ” The bigamist, however was acquitted on other grounds, the first wife having deserted him for seven years. A persevering “notions canvasser walked into a lawyer’s office in this city with a new kind of alarum clock. The man of quibbles was evidently interested, and heard him patiently to the end. When it came to his turn to get in a word, which in these cases is about once in an hour and a half, he spake muchly as in hereafter contained : —“ My friend I firmly believe that that alarm clock is worth seven dollars, as you state, and that you are foolish to offer it to me for two and a half; that it will go every half hour for sixteen months without winding up, and wake up an elephant at every pop. My heart tells me this is true, and I am simply aching to give you four times the price you demand. But when I inform you that I have an infant three months old at home, afflicted with perpetual colic, and a baby going on three, who insists on having a drink of water at regular intervals during the night, and never sleeps after 4 o’clock in the morning, do you not think that my investment in this beautiful invention which you are retailing might, in a measure, be characterised as extravagant ? ” That clock agent nodded, assented, picked up his hat, put up his alarum, and retired San Francisco News Letter.

Attention is called to a Government notice in our advertising columns re unemployed. Attention is directed to the announcement in another column of the Canterbury A. and P. Association having reference to the ensuing Christchurch Show. Anniversary services will be held in the Trinity Presbyterian Church to-morrow. A conversazione in connection with the Church will be held on Tuesday evening in the hall of the Mechanics’ Institute. Dan. McGuinness’ £SOOO sweep on the Canterbury Jockey Club Handicap will positively close on Oct. 30. Intending speculators should therefore lose no time in “ rolling up.” The services at the Wesleyan Church to-morrow will be conducted by the Rev. W. Keall of Ashburton, Collections will be made in aid of the Home Mission Society.