VARIETIES.

South Canterbury Times, Issue 2348, 25 September 1880, Page 3

VARIETIES.

It is wonderful what fools buys are. A charming widow of our city owns a. nioc boy, and a man of St Paul wants to bo appointed deputy father to the lad. It was only last Sunday that while the St. Paul man was strolling' down Chestnut street with the lad, he asked : “ 15ub, does your mamma bang her hair?” and that foolish boy answered, “0, no, but you ought to see her bang dad’s head. Guess the minister didn’t know everything when he told pa to die. Prepare! why, he was aching to die.” She was reading the newspaper and came upon one of those scientific articles about how to prevent sunstroke. She said : “ Professor Somebody here says that anybody who drinks whiskey is liable to drop dead ; it is so heating.” “ I know that, and to counteract the heat I always take some ice in mine.” “ Yes, but the Professor says that drinking - ice-water is still more dangerous than whiskey.” u I’ll have to be very

careful, then, always to suck it through a straw.”—“ Galveston New.-.’’

A Poser.—A distinguished ’phrenologist, while recently dining at one of our large hotels, remarked at the (able that he had formed an opinion of the character of each one present. An Irishman directly opposite said ho would propound a question, and that, if it was truthfully answered, he would for ever believe in phrenology. The phrenologist was satisfied, and told him to proceed. “ Thin” said the Irishman, 11 will ye be after fellin’ me am I married or single The late Mr Butt's ready wit often stood him in good stead. Going home late one night, he was aecostcdffiy a des-perate-looking ruffian in one of the suburbs of Dublin, and asked what he was going to stand. “ Well,” replied Mr Butt meekly, “ I’m very sorry that I can’t give you much my friend, but what I have we will share. Here,” he continued, drawing a revolver from his pocket, “is a weapon which has six chambers. I will give yon three, and himself alone.

When Naples was ruled by King Bomba, his Majesty one day paid a visit to the ship of an English Commodore lying in the bay. While the Commodore was receiving his royal visitor on the quarter-deck, a member of the Neapolitan suite wandering about amidships, misfook a windsail for a pillar, and, loaning against it, suddenly wont below, head foremost. The only witness of the accident an old tar, thereupon made for the quarter-deck, and, having sainted, said “I beg pardon Commodore but one of them ’ere kings has fallen down the hatchway!’’ Painting on kid is a favorite pastime with Parisian ladies, and bracelets, chatelaine bags, and belts of silks and white kid, paiuled with ilowers and classic heads and mounted wilh gold and silver, are very popular. A woman in Michigan has sued for a divorce on (he plea, of a breach of business contract. Her husband before marriage had promised to give her forty acres of land, and now he refuses to fulfil his promise. About right.—Clergyman to Sundayschool attendant—” And now. Mary Anne, how do yon think you will best show your gratitude to your parent in this life ?” Mary Anne, after some hesitation —“by getting myself a husband soon, sir!”

An Inquiring Mind.—A prominent English M.B. was not complimented during the elections when he was addressing his hiving constituents. He asserted that he was not an idle member of the House, and that during the last two years he had put “ no less than 182 questions to the Speaker and members.” “ What a hignorant old beggar yon must be !” cried a voice from the crowd.