VARIETIES.

South Canterbury Times, Issue 2330, 4 September 1880, Page 3

VARIETIES.

Don’t judge a man by his failure in life, for many a man fails because he is too honest to succeed. The weight of a ton of ice depends upon how long it has been standing in the sun ; the weight of a ton of coal is governed somewhat hy the price. If a man whistles in the street as if lie were calling a dog, from three to seven men will stop suddenly and look about, Is Darwin right? It’s easier to tie a knot in a hull’s horn than to make your wife believe that every other night is a lodge night. Larater says, “ In ever make that man your friend who hates music or the laugh of a child.”

“ You promised to pay that bill yesterday,” said an angry creditor to a debtor. —“ Yes,” calmly replied the otherbut to err is human, to forget divine, and I forgot it.” “Ma, has aunty got bees in her mouth?”—No, my dear; why do you ask?” —“Cause Captain Dean said ho was going to take honey from her lips, and she said, “ Well, make haste.” Two ladies presented themselves at the door of a. fancy ball, and on being asked by the usher what characters •they impersonated, replied that they <were not in any special costume, where'll pon he bawled out, “ Two ladies without any character.’ Jane (under nine, to governess): “'‘Miss Blunt, when ’ma asks you to have some more wine to-day at dinner, do. please, say yes.”—“ Governess : “ Why, what do you wish me to take more wine for?”—“ Jane ; “Oh, I only want to see ’ma’s face.”

Observing little brother’s remark before a room full of company: “ I know what made that red marie on Mary’s nose ; it was the rim of John Parker’s hat, and there are girls who believe that little boy’s never go to heaven. A very erroneous idea is indulged in by many people in relation to the largest city in the world —many confidently asserting that London, or, as it is frequently termed, the Great Metropolis, is far superior both in size and number of inhabitants. But such, according to credible authorities, is not thc_ case. Jeddo, the capital of Japan, is without exception, the largest and most populous city in the world. It contains the vast number af 1,000,000 dwellings and 5,000,000 of human souls. Many of the streets are nineteen Japan serfs in length, which is equivalent to twentythree English miles. Those who admire brief sermons wtll perhaps think the following one by a quiet Quakeress worthy of approbation : .—“Dearfriends, there are three things which I very much wonder at. The first is that children should be so foolish as to throw stones, clubs, bricks, and sticks up into fruit trees to knock down fruit; if they would let it alone it would fall itself. The second is that men should be so foolish as to goto war and kill each other; if let alone they would die themselves. And the third and last thing that I wonder at, is that young jnen should he so foolish as to go after

’lie young women ; if ihoy would stay it home, the young wo non would come after them.

Arabella (on her toes in a chair, •hitching convul-ivcly at her skirts): Oh, Bridget! a m msc ! a mouse ! Oomeand catch it, quick!”—Bridget: ■‘Shiirc, mum, I here’s no hurry. If this one gets awa} r , I can catch plenty noro for yer, mum.”

A Justice of the Peace told a culprit that ho should have to “ bind him over o await the action of the grand jury ;’’ thereupon the culprit said, “ You icedn’t do that, Squire. I’ll wait their action without any binding, and they needn’t be in a hurry, cither, I’ll wait years for ’em-” Mother Shipton’s Prophecy,—There arc foolish people who are worrying themselves about “ Mother Shipton’s Prophecy.” This frequently published yarn, purports to have been written ■about 1418, and in it were foretold railroads, the admission to civil rights in England of the Jews, and of the end of the world in 1881. The whole poem or prophesy was written hy Charles Hindlev in IBG3, and was a pure invention of his own, composed to insure the success of a business venture, and afer all, but one or two of the things named in it have come to pass. It was simply an ingenious and successful advertising fraud.

At a meeting of some coloured brethren it was decided to take up a collection. The president concluded to pass the hat himself, and in order to encourage the others he put in a ten cent piece. At the end of the ceremony, during whicn every hand had been in the hat, the president approached the table, turned the hat upside down, and not even his own contribution dropped out. He opened his eyes with astonishment and exclaimed, “ Fo’ de Lord, hut I’ze eben lost ton cents I started wid?” There was consternation in the faces of the multitude. Who was the lucky man, that was the question. He could not blush or turn pale, for, all were as black as night. It was evidently a hopeless case, and was summed up by one brother, who rose in his place and said solemnly, “Dar pears to be great moral lesson roun’hcah somewhat*.”

Tennyson claims to be a groat poet, and yet he may fret and study and tear about fora week, and then can’t jmnk an ode to a sawmill, while the Sweet Singer of Michigan only gave two minutes to whacking up one hegining: “All hail to thco, most terrible invention, Which chews up trees to any wished dimension, And when something distracts a man’s attention, Will break him up so that a gov’ment pension Won’t do him any good. Oh, fierce devourer, thou of men and wood.”