VARIETIES.

South Canterbury Times, Issue 2312, 14 August 1880, Page 3

VARIETIES.

Withdrawing an Amendment. —Taking out a false tooth. A man in Utah, who has only the legal number of wives, is spoken of as “ comparatively speaking, a bachelor," Why arc there more marriages in winter than in aummer? —Because then men seek comforters and ladies seek muffs.

The latest fashion now is for our golden youth to wear a small watch let into around knob on the toj) of their walking canes. It is not generally believed that David was an intemperate man, but, nevertheless, he called for a “ sling,’’ so the facts are against himThe man who said that the temperance party was going to rise like “ a giant refreshed with wine" was rather unfortunate in his choice of a simile,

The following was given to a Quaker as a reason for standing armies:— “ Wars come so thick in Europe that the soldiers don’t have a chance to sit down for a few moments’ rest, and hence the necessity for keeping standing armies,” You can’t fool a Chicago girl. "When her escort rises from his scat in the theatre between the acts and says: I’ll bo back in a moment," she dazzles him with one of her most reliable smiles, and pulling him back with the remark, “ I brought some with me,’’ coyly slips into his hand a pinch of cloves or roasted coffee, She had quarrelled with her old bald-headed lover, and, in dismissing him, said : “ What is delightful about you, my friend, is that I have not the trouble of sending you back any locks of your hair.” His reply was .“ Had you given mo a lock of your own, you would not have known whose hair you were sending." An attorney recently took strong exception to the ruling of the Court that certain evidence was inadmissible. ~ I know’ your honor,” said ho warmly, “that it is proper evidence. Here I have been practising at t he bar for forty years, ami now I want to know if I am a fool ?” “That,”- quietly replied the Court, “ is a question of fact and not of, law, and so I shall not pass upon it but let the jury decide.” A pompous lawyer said to the keeper of au old apple stand : Your business cares seem to bo too much for you. You should go into something which is not so trying to the brain. “ Oh, ’taint business," replied the apple seller, “ it’s lyin’ awake nights, tryiu’ to decide whether to leave my fortune to an orphan asylum, or to a home for played out lawyers, as is killin’ me." A correspondent of the “ Ladies Floral Cabinet” tells how she succeeded in having a beautiful ornament and a plentiful supply of strawberries in a small yard attached to her house. She took a common Hour barrel and planted it six inches in the ground, having previously bored about fifty inch holes around tire sides. She put good rich earth in the barrel, set the roots with the stalks out through the holes, filling up with earth as she proceeded until the barrel was full. This Spring her barrel was completely covered with fruit, and makes as pretty an ornament as one could desire.

The Fifteen Puzzle. —when you see a man come down town nowadays -with an expression of sublime ecstac3 r on his countenance, a glance of disdainful triumph in his eye, and a smile of selfconscious superiority over his fellow men, as displayed by some recentlyachieved victory, playing about the corners of his mouth ; when he draws a handful of glistening twenties from his pocket, and, unasked, chucks them over to you with the remark, “ Pay me when you like when he writes you out unsolieted orders for a new suit or hat; when he inquires affectionately how you’d like to go to Europe, if ho puts up the coin ; when, in fact’ he has the general air of an Alexander, a Hannibal a Caesar, or Napoleon flushed with victory so great as to make all mundane things seem pigmies to his giant intellect’ do not think he has made a sudden million in stocks, has discovered a diamond mine in his back yard, or won a law suit of ten years’ standing, that his wife has just presented him with twins, that some distant relative lias just died, leaving him a bank account at llothchild’s ; do not think that 'any of the great occurrences in life,usally supposed to bring untold joy to the heart of man, has happened to him. You will be wrong if you do. “ What, then, can it be ?” you will ask. Step aside and we will tell you. He has done the 15 puzzle. The Home correspondent of the 1 Australasian’ writes : —" The proprietor of the ‘ Sporting Life’ offered a prize of £25 to those who could succeed in placing the lirst three in the Derby ; the guesses ,u;ere to be written on a coupon issued in the ‘ Sporting Life Companion,’ a weekly guide to the turf after the style of ‘ Puff.’ Well, over 40,000 coupons were sent in, and of these 054 succeeded in placing Bend Orr 1, Ilobert the Devil 2, and Mask 3. The amount to be divided being so small, it was decided to increase tho stake to £4O, or give it to be divided amongst the 354, who now have to guess the first three of the Ascot Stakes. I saw the room in which the envelopes were opened which contained those coupons, and it was simply knee-deep in empty envelopes. It cost £lO in extra labor to get them all opened.” It is also mentioned that the Duke of Westminster, the owner of Bend Orr, gave Robert Peek, the trainer, £I,OUO, and Archer, the rider, £SOO. It has always been the custom to give the rider of the winner of the bine ribbon of the turf £I,OOO,