VARIETIES.

South Canterbury Times, Issue 2289, 19 July 1880, Page 3

VARIETIES.

♦ Californian Advertising - . —"Tlic Monroe doctrine !" exclaimed an excited cockney the other day ;" w'y, blow rnc bloomin' heyes, wot d'yer s'pose hold ITengland cares for that ? She rules ther seas, yer know, and as fur her foreign trade, w'y right 'ere.on Sutter streot,above Kearny, there's ashop that she exported a reg'lar muffin man to." J lis friend (also an Englishman) wouldn't believe him ; but the fact is that upon adjourning to The Orignal Swain's Bakery, they found the muffins just as they " 'ad 'em at 'oinc."—" San Francisco News Letter." Ruling- Manias.—" In every walk of life," an American paper observes, " the present mania has taken a, deep—a dangerously deep—root. Some ladies on the South side have undertaken to make 2,000 calls in 2,000 quarter hours. A boy on the West side was rescued from the pantry where he was trying to cat . ! ],OOO pies in ;5,000 quarters. His mother showed him no quarter and he got no sympathy from his sisters, and his cousins, and his aunts." A school of poor children, having road in the Bible the denunciations against hypocrites who " strain at a gnat and swallow a camel," were afterwards examined by a benevolent patroness as to their recollections of the chapter. " What, in particular, was the sin of the Pharisees, children ?" said the lady. "Aiting camels, my lady," was the prompt reply. A few years ago the State's Attorney in a northern county in Vermont, although a man of great legal ability, was very fond of the bottle. On one occasion an important criminal case was called on by the clerk, but the attorney, with owl-like gravity, kept his chair. " Mr Attorney, is the State ready to proceed ?" said the judge " Yes—hie—no —Your Honor," stammered the lawyer ; " the State is not—in a state to try this case to-day ; the State, Your Honor, is —drunk." A clever cartoon is being largely sold in London. It shows Her Majesty reluctantly giving her hand to be kissed by Mr Gladstone, who is on his knee, while Lord Beaconslield appears in the background with a very hurt look on his face. The likenesses arc good, and the situation is further elucidated by the poet's Oh, 'tis 'ard to give the 'and Where the 'art can nivvah be ! "Atlas," in the "World," says:— " The neatest thing iu connection with the elections which ho has heard was said by Lady Mandivellic, who canvassing energetically for her husband at Huntingdon! was told by a rough that 'they didn't come here to hear girls talk.' • Nothing abashed, Lady Maudcville replied, Come, come, give us a chance ! This is leap-year ; and if wo don't talk now, we never shall again!"